Fear Pain And Loneliness

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"They say it will snow tomorrow."

Once upon a time there was a man and he had his own interesting story with which he asked for help. The story was confusing and a bit mystical, deep and wounding.

Travels and periods of stagnation, deep thoughts and superficial judgment, the beauty of daylight and admiring the darkness of the night, everything was intertwined in the life of our hero, everything had its place in his life.

Once he was sitting in a cafe and thinking about why he is so lonely, and why he is tormented so much by this very loneliness, what is there in him that keeps his attention on him, why it is so hard to come to terms with loneliness and understand that we end up nowhere we will not get away from him. Caravans of cars sailed outside the window and the pudding on the plate ran out, the coffee had cooled down long ago. There were many thoughts and they all boiled down to the same thing. To the anxiety that inexorably engulfs him, in those moments when he does not see an opportunity to share his longing and sadness with the world. "What worries me so much?" he asked himself. Sitting in a cafe and staring at one point on the wall, he thought, tried to transfer himself to the moment when it all began, when he recently again felt the cold breath of emptiness on him, sucking the icy air into him. Mentally rewinding back the events of the past days, he was transported to the moment of the beginning, when, under the impulse of anger and passion, he struggled in moral doubts. Fear enveloped his soul and his mind surrendered to anger. The inability to complete the task, or rather, the unwillingness to complete it and a great desire to receive the reward due to him. What prevails over him, "I want" or "I must." These two titans dug his whole soul with their wars in the last days. They are fighting in the arena of his life, and no one wants to give in, and an angry patrician demands the death of one of them, only he does not want to decide who it will be. And so anxiety is generated, anxiety from the fear of making a choice, because our hero does not want to make a choice.

Anxiety. She had booked a room at his comfortable hotel long ago. This is not a suite, anxiety is too afraid of publicity, it occupies a cozy room overlooking the wall of a neighboring house. He had long wanted to evict her, but she again returned to the hotel under a different guise and always settled in the same room, in the very middle of his soul.

Unfinished job. What is his great strength over our hero. Why does this fact of impracticability have so much power over him?

He still sits in a cafe. People around slowly look at each other and have casual conversations. He dissolves in this hubbub, he is not with them, he is now very far away. Thoughts carry him to similar situations, when he was faced with a choice, and not even a choice, but a new frontier, new horizons, and he had to go to them. “Need?” He cut off his thoughts. "Who needs it?" Who needs to overcome this new and new milestone, where does he go after each such milestone, and what happens to him then? It turns out that, having reached a certain stage, our hero faces another line, similar to the previous ones, just a little higher, and it is on it that he freezes. Freezes in horror that he will not be able to overcome it. Many times he saw a picture from the Olympic Games. Competition of horse riders in overcoming barriers and every time there was an unlucky jockey, who was thrown off the horse, and she ran away. Away from the arena, further from the new barriers, apparently because she, the horse, doesn't really need it. So he stopped in front of another barrier, and a thought pierced his brain. "I can not!" A very rational thought, behind which lies an irrational explanation - "Why do I need it?" And then fear, anxiety, panic.

And as a result, loneliness and a feeling of emptiness.

How can you connect the feeling of emptiness and panic from the next frontier? Apparently at the moment of feeling either its powerlessness or the meaninglessness of everything that happens, when the rational falls to its knees in front of the unconscious truth of the individual, when everything secret becomes apparent and the program "Voice of the Unconscious" breaks through into our conscious radio air, the announcer, with which in a familiar voice calmly tells him that This is not at all what he wanted, when, clinging to the radio, our hero nods his head approvingly, then he suddenly realizes that he is again at that initial point where there is nothing. In the beginning, he is alone, and he again needs to take a step forward, and again he is alone with the choice of the direction of movement. And again he is alone, and no one will help him.

The radio gradually fades away, and he again listens to the hubbub in the cafe. People want so much to be heard.

It's scary to be a horse that overcomes obstacles and barriers for no reason. It's scary to realize that you really don't need it. It is sad to realize that the gold medal will go to the jockey, not the horse.

What is behind the problem of making a choice and recognizing your true values and needs is a matter of the times ahead. Now, our hero will sit for a while in a cafe looking at one point on the wall, then get up and leave. What will he take with him? A little sadness and sadness, a little loneliness and anxiety, a little pudding and coffee. Everything is in itself, everything is in itself.