Shame And Its Impact On Human Behavior

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Today I want to share my experience in relation to such an emotion as shame. This emotion is formed in society and only people have it. It is needed in order to make it easier to control society and instill certain rules of behavior and is aimed at making the opinion of the majority more significant for a person than his own feelings and desires.

Shame is one of the most popular parenting tools that parents use. "Look at yourself, are you not ashamed?", "What will people say?"

In my childhood, my mother constantly told me that real ladies don't behave like that, they don't say such words, they don't walk in the evenings, they don't express their feelings, and in general they sit at home and work on themselves. Thanks to my mother's sensitive care and upbringing based on the principles of noble girls, I was very insecure, it was difficult for me to express my thoughts and feelings. As a teenager, I would call myself a "girl in a case." Moreover, the case that others saw was very correct, arrogant, touchy, he never rejoiced and constantly poured smart quotes, and the girl inside him was very weak, she lacked the approval of others, listening, joy, and she believed that when will work out another flaw and master a new skill, happiness will come.

Having matured and attended leadership training, I became much braver. After several exercises in which it was suggested to walk down the street in a stupid outfit, or deliberately commit ridiculous acts, I realized that this is not scary and sometimes people feel more awkward than me. So I decided that I am not ashamed. I stopped being afraid to attract attention, but when I started visiting my psychotherapist, it turned out that the feeling of shame did not disappear anywhere, it remained with me, but was pushed into the subconscious and manifested itself in this way:

- I could not admit mistakes, I always found excuses and all kinds of arguments, just to be right;

- I wanted all the best - the best man, the best project, the best apartment, I refused everything that did not correspond to this, and because of this I "stood still";

- if I doubted that I could do something perfectly, then I preferred not to do anything;

- as a result, I thought a lot about the fact that at my age I had not achieved anything yet and felt like a failure.

Through therapy, I began to feel my shame. It turned out that earlier, as soon as there were hints of this feeling, I immediately built an armored wall - I began to speak in abstruse language, or attacked and nagged at the interlocutor, or left and did not return. When I realized how shame controls my reactions, I started working with it.

I will tell you how to do this using an example of one situation

I was looked after by a nice guy. I liked him and matched the image of the prince whom I wanted to see next to me. It turned out that we had a common hobby - running, only I ran in the morning, and he ran marathons on weekends. Once he came to visit me, and when I saw him off, while putting on his shoes in the hallway, he paid attention to the sneakers and asked which ones I was running in. Then I lived with a friend, and she is a terrible rag and she has a lot of things, some sneakers, 4 excellent pairs, and they were standing in the corridor. I honestly showed him mine. They turned out to be cheap Chinese mesh sneakers. He carefully examined them and said that one should not run in these, they do not fit. And the next second I wanted to sink into the ground. I felt my cheeks burning, and I immediately wanted to say something nasty to him, but he had already opened the door, kissed me on the cheek and left. And I was sitting in the corridor on the nightstand alone with my shame and was ready to delete his number forever, my whole body was literally on fire, I did not know what to do, but after a couple of minutes the vivid emotions and sensations left my body, and I decided that it was normal the man will not part with the girl because of the sneakers, but - will give new ("correct"), but if he is not normal and does not want to see me after that, I’m better. I must say the next date went great.)

Accepting shame turned out to be an important step towards accepting yourself)) Accepting your real self helps to build warm and sincere relationships with others.

Exercise to work through shame

Stages of work:

1. Understand that you are ashamed now.

2. Feel this emotion in the body. What's this ? These are burning cheeks. Heart sinking, etc.?

3. Allow yourself to be ashamed - to live it.

4. Think about why you are ashamed? Where are you not living up to your ideal? How does the one in front of whom you are ashamed indicate this to you?

5. Accept the fact that you are not perfect, I can be wrong. There are no ideal people in the world, such a person has not yet been born.

As a rule, after going through these stages, shame disappears without a trace, like a puddle of water dries up, and the situation that caused these feelings is easily perceived!))