2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Friends, in this article I want to emphasize the need to determine the key messages from which each person forms his own ideas about himself and creates his own scenario of life.
Key messages are various repetitive messages from parents to their child about what to do and what not to do, how and in what way. Key messages from parents influence the child's formation of his beliefs about himself ("I am good", "I am bad") and others ("friends", "enemies"). On the basis of these convictions, the child makes life decisions and forms a personal attitude: “everything is all right with me”; "Not everything is all right with me"; "he is okay"; "Not all right with him."
For example:
Installation "Everything is fine with me" + "everything is fine with him" speaks about the formation of the position of a leader, for whom success is the norm of life, based on partnership, respect and trust in the world.
Installation "I'm okay" + "he's not okay with him" will talk about arrogance, discontent, claims, disrespect, neglect.
Installation "I'm not okay" + "he's okay" will indicate depression, humiliation, weakness, insecurity.
Installation " not all right with me "+" not all right with him " speaks of hopelessness, of hopelessness, of despair.
Key messages from parents tell the child what he needs to do in order to survive in this world. Parents pass on to their child everything that they have learned themselves, helping to form in the child a repetition of their life scenario, or a counter-scenario (the child must implement what the parents did not succeed in).
Example:
- Repetition and transmission of the parent's script “I had no support, I achieved everything myself, therefore, you must also achieve everything yourself, I don’t owe you anything ».
- Parent handing over the counter script “I had no support, I achieved everything myself, and I gave everything to you so that you have everything, you must be successful ».
When both scenarios are implemented, the parent considers himself entitled to demand retribution from the child. In the first case, the basis is the "parent's right" (I am your father, I am your mother), in the second case - the invested funds and efforts.
Parental key messages lay the foundation for a child's personality development. Eric Berne identifies three types of life scenarios (three personality types): Winner, Loser or Undefeated:
- « Winner - this is a person who has achieved success in what he was going to do."
Key messages: “You are great!”, “You are smart”, “You are beautiful,” “You are good,” “You are strong," "," You will be successful "," You will be a great artist "," You can make a career "," You can win "," You can love "," You will have a wonderful family "," You can change and do everything well ".
- « Jonah - the one who could not do what he was going to”.
Key messages: "Do not go where they are not asked", "What are you stupid", "Yes, what will come of you", "How much can you?", "Who are you, to have your own opinion?" "," Better, shut up "," Do not stick your head out "," Bite your tongue "," Stop suffering with nonsense "," The same smart guy found me "," Brainless fool "," Why is this punishment to me? "," You have what, hands from one place?"
- « Undefeated - this is not completely defeated, whose scenario instructs him to work hard, but not to win, but in order to play a draw."
Key messages: "That's when you get married", "After you have a baby." “You can do even better”, “Keep your mouth shut”, “Trust no one”, “Try harder”.
In adulthood, key messages will encourage a person to reproduce the same behavior in any situation. Awareness of the key messages of parents provides an opportunity to unlock your life script and change your life for the better.
Each of us has our own scenario of life, which is a well-tested, proven, reliable security system that guarantees survival. Any attempt to change the scenario, even with the aim of improving the quality of human life, is perceived as a threat to his life, since it destroys the usual system of interaction with the environment. The effectiveness of the psychologist's work depends on the client's level of readiness for such changes.
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