2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A classic childish sentence, and sometimes a directive from parents to children: "I … I … I am the last letter of the alphabet!"
Yes, this was said to almost all of us, but it was more reflected in the girls. Maybe because in the patriarchal world, it is much harder for the female "I" to live. Or because the mechanism of self-giving is more embedded in the female nature.
You ask a woman to arrange her life priorities in order of priority and you get - children, family, parents, partner, friends, work, relatives, health and so on in different orders. It’s also good if something like “husband and me” or “children and me” sounds in the range from the first to the third point. And it happens that this very last letter does not pop up at all in a conversation. Well, here's a list of life values and priorities, your priorities … And where are you yourself on this list? And you are not. If other people, their interests, requests, expectations and your responsibility. And you yourself are not. Because "I" is the last letter of the alphabet. And that's it.
Then it sounds: "Well, I told the family - I also go there!" or "I cannot separate myself from the children." And why?
After all, in a family, everyone is not obliged to obey, for example, the desire of one person to listen to classical music. Because everyone has different tastes and at least one family - but everyone has their own opinion. And if you associate yourself with your family, where is your opinion here? Or children - they are individuals with their own needs and sooner or later they will have to start living separately - and then what will remain of you if you remove them from this equation?
At this moment comes the second stupor - well, let "I" be separate … well, there in second place. On the second. Who comes first? Husband? Children? Parents? Work?
We begin to understand. The husband comes first, and you come second? Selfless and all-encompassing dedication? To give something, you have to have it. Partnership relations are like connected vessels - water is poured here and there, but the level remains unchanged, common. And you poured all the water into your husband's vessel. If you give and give all the time, the moment will come when there will be nothing to give. And then the question will arise - what is wrong? After all, he was in the first place and did not appreciate. Ungrateful? Maybe. But what does he see? Looks at you - but you are not. There is it, reflected in you in different variations. How much do you value your mirror?
Or children. When on the plane they warn about possible complications and oxygen masks - what do they say about children? If you are flying with a child, you must first put on a mask on yourself, and then on the child. Why? Because if, putting on a mask on him, you yourself lose consciousness - how can you help him? In the war years of famine, it was not the families where the mother gave everything to the children that survived, but those where the mother took the best pieces of food for herself. Well, as a last resort, I divided it equally. Because she still had the strength to get this very food and pull out the children! And those who selflessly gave “all the best to children” simply perished themselves. And the children remained helpless. If you do not have yourself, what do you pass on to your children, except for the destructive strategy of behavior "I owe everyone"? And who told you that by putting them in the first place, you do THEM better? It’s like giving a person a big loan that he didn’t ask for. And there were no special plans for money, and ideas where to invest. And since they have already fallen on my head - I spent where I had to. And then a moment comes - and the loan must be repaid. And you want to live, enjoy, plan - but you can't! He takes a loan with interest all his free time. And the (wine) collector under the door day and night. So here too - you denied yourself everything, devoted yourself to your children, and they took it and grew up / And they wanted to live their own life, they wanted to separate. If there were YOU, then a new stage of adult relationships with children would come and more time for your own plans and hobbies. And if YOU are not there, then the separation will go live, with blood and pain. And what will be left of you again after that? And from them?
Healthy selfishness has never harmed anyone.
Only by being healthy psychologically, filled, self-realized and interesting to yourself and those around you can you give children and everyone around you the maximum they deserve. You cannot pour anything from an empty jug. But you can give an example to follow that you want to follow! An example of a happy, self-sufficient and self-realized woman.
"I" may be the last letter in the alphabet, but in life it should be the first and only the first!
Think - when was the last time you did something for yourself? Only for myself. No, going to a beautician to grow eyelashes does not count. Why? Didn't you like yours? Did you like it? Why did you decide to build it up? To make a guy like it? So who did you go there for? What are you doing for yourself and only for yourself?
What brings you pleasure? Maybe patchwork, carting, target shooting, massage? When was the last time you allowed yourself to prioritize "want" over "must." You owe something to everyone around you. Do you owe yourself something?
When was the last time you praised yourself?
Just go to the mirror, look at yourself and say out loud - “You are great! You are beautiful, smart. You're the best! I love you!"
You may or may not believe in God, but even in the scriptures there are wonderful words: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Note - not more than yourself, not instead of yourself, but ALSO. Until you love yourself - how can you give love to others? What are you giving them? Is it really love?
Maybe you should let go of the child's teaser and rearrange the "I" in its own alphabet in the correct place.
Be yourself. All other seats are already taken. ~ Oscar Wilde
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