2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
One of my clients, Lenochka, for some reason understands freedom only as uselessness and loneliness. I ground it every time and focus on a different view of this concept. We reason and she hears me. That freedom is autonomy, this is freedom of choice, this is independence ….. But as soon as there is a risk of being lonely, she is quietly twisted by melancholy, grief and even embarrassment and shame. These last two moments have always seemed interesting to me.
It has a logical chain that extinguishes it.
"If I am alone, then I am nobody's, then I am not needed by anyone!" There is not an ounce of logic in this extraordinary logical chain. Immediately I remember the joke about "auntie, did you ask everyone?" We periodically disassemble this mental constructor, then we assemble a new design from the existing elements of life experience and beliefs. The client feels calmer and more confident. But this procedure must be repeated periodically.
She and I know the cause of such crises. Emotional trauma happened in early childhood. Helen's dad, a very cheerful, active and interesting man, the soul of any company - died when the girl was 6 years old. She does not remember him at all. And this is amazing. Age is quite conscious, usually from this period children can remember a lot. Lena doesn't remember.
Her mom told her that her dad was at work all the time. And after work he stayed with his colleagues - there was a billiard table at work, the men played and drank in the same place. Business trips were also frequent. In general, her dad was rarely at home. The girl often stayed in a round-the-clock group in the garden, if her mother's friend did not pick her up from the kindergarten to her for the night. Mom worked in shifts.
There, as a child, Lenochka's mother made a mistake. It was hard for her, she was exhausted by everyday problems and a difficult relationship with her husband. And she told her daughter that papa is bad: “Crack it up, not papa! Instead of rushing home to his daughter, he plays billiards and drinks! He doesn't need a daughter! He didn't care where you were and what was wrong with you!"
And the girl learned that her dad doesn't need her. And now it sounds like this - I am not needed and not interesting to a man!
Therefore, to be alone = to be unnecessary! And here Lena has cataclysms, she is ready to do many things for the sake of maintaining the relationship, even if the relationship is "crooked" !!!
And now a little about mom! It's her husband who drinks. It’s her husband who doesn’t come home. It is her husband who does not help around the house and with her daughter. This is her problem with her husband !!
Daughter has nothing to do with it! Necessity / uselessness for everyone! You can do it your way, but love your daughter! That's how he can, and he loves! Where do these interpretations "do not care and do not need" !?
Mom, please, avoid such statements about your "real and former" with children! Let the girl know that daddy loved her! Daddy's feelings for his daughter were and are! And they rightfully belong to every girl on this earth!
Believe me, this way you will at least save on psychotherapy for your child))). All words have consequences. Help children and dads find each other). Remember, your adult problems concern only you and your partner! Child and parent have their own separate relationship!
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