If You Still Haven't Looked Away From Your Mom

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

- Lera consults with her mother in everything! - complains friend Edward. - When we were going to get married, I already knew that her mother's opinion meant a lot to her. And first of all he tried to please her mother. But now I sometimes have the feeling that I am married not to Lera, but to her suspicious mother. And this leads to the fact that I either get angry with Leroux and try to shake it up, make me think on my own. And of course we fight. Or I shut up and withdraw into myself, as I feel that I cannot change anything. But it's all scary enrages! What to do?

In general, the relationship between mothers and daughters is a very difficult epic. Mothers see their daughters as a continuation of themselves and impose on them what they themselves once could not realize. On the one hand, mothers want their daughter to be happier, more successful, and so on. On the other hand, there is some competition, they say, how can it be, isn't it too easy for my daughter to live in our time? And that's why mom often sausages in this paradigm. Mama's daughter is the one who worries about her mother more than about her own life, love, family, career. And he puts mom's opinion higher than his own. Or rather, he replaces his own opinion with his mother's. Moreover, it cannot be said that their relationship, these two native women, is so cloudless. Nothing like this!

Here is how one aspect of such a relationship was viewed by the English Ph. D. and psychologist Rosalind S. Barnett:

- The desire to seek the approval of the mother in everything can cause problems. The desire to earn this approval leads to continuous opposition. There is an increasing number of young women who are under pressure from their mothers to see their daughters succeed even though they have never been. Whether the daughter obeys or rebel, in such a situation, you cannot win. This rarely leads to a satisfying relationship. Daughters are not always able to distinguish between what they do of their own choice, and what pleases their mothers. In any case, difficult relationships with mothers can darken and distort the successes or failures of daughters.

Well, sometimes it is even beneficial for the daughters themselves to shift all responsibility to their mother, it almost did not work out, my mother suggested incorrectly, she is to blame.

But why do mothers and daughters have these contradictory relationships? After all, they directly affect the relationship with the daughter's personal life. These are the most common types of unhealthy scenarios.

Situation 1. Daughter replaces mother to her mother

- Initially, my mother did not have her own childhood, she received less tenderness and love from her mother. And the child always subconsciously feels the mother's pain and wants to replace her mother. And it turns out that at some point the daughter replaces the mother with her parent. This creates the basis for an unhealthy relationship, when the daughter, in order not to upset her mother, is ready to obey her in everything.

This is manifested in the fact that the interests of the mother are always more important for the daughter. Barely, at the first call, she runs to help her mother, not thinking about herself and her needs. If mom needs it, she forgets that she also has a husband and children. At the same time, in her opinion, everyone should understand that mother is the most important person, almost a saint and her desires are the law. In this case, the mother turns into a capricious child and often abuses her power over her daughter. The family is gradually falling apart, in it everyone is distant from each other, it exists purely formally. By the way, such a mother often uses her daughter as a personal psychologist, weeps into her vest, and involves the heiress in the vicissitudes of her personal life. A daughter, for example, turns into a judge of her own father, and transfers the scenario of mom and dad quarrels to her family.

- In fact, my children under 8 did not have a mother, and my husband did not have a wife. - Somehow a friend told sadly.- I was all absorbed in taking care of my mother, did not even suspect how my own family missed me. But when everything began to collapse, my husband simply told me to make a choice - my family or my mother. I went to a psychotherapist and after a while realized my mistakes. Now my relationship with my mother has changed. They are still warm. But I keep reminding myself that she is my mother, not my daughter. And I always put my family's interests first, and then my mother's.

Situation 2. Daughter of a hyper-responsible mother.

In this case, the mother herself is so hyper-responsible, so afraid for her daughter that she does not allow her to grow up. By the way, when a child is not allowed to make his mistakes, is not allowed to grow up, this is considered a form of violence and also traumatizes the psyche. The mother's hyperresponsibility replaces her with a feeling of love and deep normal tenderness. She cannot give this to her daughter, because she herself did not have it. It is difficult for her to just hug, to have a heart-to-heart talk with her daughter. And she replaces the mother's affection with super-care. My friend lives like this. Once my mother knew innumerable all her gentlemen and made a choice for her whom to marry. She put her in an institute, looked for a job for her, promoted her up the career ladder with the help of her connections and in every possible way did not believe that her daughter was able to take even a step herself. Well, my daughter, of course, in her words, "got off her feet, sat on her neck and dangled her legs." And now, according to the same scheme, he is building relations with the whole world. It seems to her that everyone should decide everything for her. She divorced her husband in the third year of her life. She blames her mother for this, who did not see in advance what a "bastard character Andrey has". She is now over forty, although she behaves like she is 8. Relationships with men do not go well, and she either blames her mother for this, throws her fists at her, then cries and goes to the next meeting with the next groom, whom her mother picks up for her. But the vicious circle can only be broken with a radical restructuring of their relationship.

Situation 3. Return of "debts"

The prerequisite for this type of unhealthy mother-daughter relationship is that the mother once gave herself up in many ways for the sake of her children. And she constantly does not get tired of reminding the children of what she sacrificed in order to keep them fed and shod. And it is automatically implied that now grown-up children must repay their mother's debt and take care of her, meet her expectations. The situation is especially aggravated when the mother is left alone, the father either dies or leaves. Moreover, this type of mother is usually quite energetic. These are such tough, despotic ladies who believe that now everyone owes them for the great feat of giving birth and raising children. And the first, of course, the burden of this debt is felt by the offspring themselves. For example, at the presentation of my first book, "How to Live Happily Ever After," the reader said that her mother was just like that. My sister somehow managed to flee away from under my mother's wing and control in time, got married and left very far, to Siberia. But when my mother was left alone, she decided to move to the reader's house. And a terrible life began, because my mother believed that she owed her not only the daughter herself, but also her husband, her husband's parents and everything, everything, everything. However, the girl herself considered herself to be indebted to her mother, she voluntarily carried this burden. Therefore, when her husband had the opportunity to go to work and live in Germany, he said: "I don't need your mother, but I would like to take you and the children!" She made a choice in favor of her mother. And she parted with her husband. After that, she had two more stories, both with the same ending. It was then that it dawned on her that she was returning the "debt" to her mother with her own family happiness.

What to do for mommy's daughter:

Refusing mom and deleting it from your life altogether is another extreme. Which, too, does not lead to anything good in life. A relationship with a mother is the very first relationship in a person's life, which lays the foundation for relationships with other people. Ideally, they should be worked out separately with good psychologists. But there is not always time, money, energy and desire for this. Therefore, at least one must internally thank mom for her life. And then ask mentally, if not really, permission to live your life. Psychologists still have such a phrase - a spell. It must be pronounced, mentally imagining the image of mom: "Mom, look at me kindly, if I will be a little happier than you in love and in my career." It is needed in order to act on your inner subconscious attitudes.

Relationships with toxic moms are best worked out in group therapy. Unfortunately, we cannot get away from the fact that mom is a very important person for everyone's life. Whatever it is. Mom influences our consciousness and subconsciousness, we often do not even track how we go and do something unreasonable, because Mom told me to do so. And we understand that we have done something stupid, only in hindsight. We play scenes from our relationship with our mother with our soul mates, and these are the most painful and traumatic stories. This is because our psyche is trying to overcome the trauma, and … re-creates a similar traumatic situation in order to win at least this time. But he does not win, and so on in a circle.

Until the childish pain comes out in the safest possible environment, and someone does not regret the little you who had to go through it. Someone who will appreciate your efforts to survive and thereby restore you to your lost human dignity. Who is containing your pain. It can be a professional, good psychologist, but it can be an older family member, or just a good friend, or a priest, or a well-met fellow traveler on the road. People inflict wounds on us, but people also heal them.

What to do for husbands of mama's daughters:

Usually men, when they find themselves in such a situation, turn into despots and tyrants. This is if you look from the outside. They scream, get angry, rage. Some may even go as far as assault, just to draw their wife's attention to themselves and their families. This gives wives another reason to talk to their mother about what kind of bastards men are, cry, and only strengthens their unhealthy context of relationships.

The best way is to have a heart-to-heart talk with my wife, that my dear, they say, I appreciate our family, I love you, but I married you, not your mother. In some cases, the threat of divorce helps, although this is a very dangerous manipulation. It is better not to abuse it. In general, it often happens that there is something in the man himself, why he chose this particular girl as his wife. That is, it would be nice for him to take care of himself too. For example, in one family, a wife was in a merger with her mother, while her husband had no contact with his father. Their family began to collapse. And at this stage, someone advised him to go to group therapy to investigate his family dynamics, to see what was really going on. From there he came out as a different man, one who reconciled with his father and gained through this an inner core, strength, courage. First of all, this affected his work, and the second is that he was able to find the right words for his wife, and their family was reunited. And the quality of their relationship has become completely different. The third was born recently.