2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I have a page on one of the social networks. And I sometimes wrote something there, thoughts, reflections, small such posts. And once one of these posts was published by a group with several thousand subscribers, and then another one of the psychological sites. And I got responses. People wrote me words of recognition and gratitude
This was very unexpected for me, and, undoubtedly, this was my achievement - after all, before, when I read posts and articles of other authors on the network, I considered them very smart, knowledgeable, wise and respected. And I wanted to share this achievement of mine with a therapeutic group that I was visiting as a client at that time.
And oh my God! I couldn't do it! I just couldn't get a word out of myself! It was a very painful experience, an internal struggle between the need to share your joy, your success, and the internal prohibition of “don't brag,” “don't stick your head out”. Ban has won, but at what cost! The next day I got a sore throat and lost my voice. I spoke in a whisper for two weeks. Asking out, but unspoken literally stuck in my throat and I lost my voice altogether.
And then I realized what power this previously unconscious prohibition has over me, and how I follow it.
I think this prohibition is familiar to very many, although it differs a little in itself. In our culture, it is not customary to be proud of oneself and very few can carry their achievements with calm confidence and dignity and present them to the world.
Parents are afraid to over praise, spoil the child, his successes go almost unnoticed, are taken for granted. It means that a child must and must know and know a lot, and there is nothing special about it.
And if we take into account that a child comes into this life, knowing practically nothing, and he has to learn everything, to master many skills and knowledge? And if you imagine how hard he works for all this? After all, he needs to learn even to walk! Then hold a spoon on your own, ask to go to the toilet on time, draw, sculpt from plasticine, clean up toys, then write, add numbers, read. The tasks get harder as you grow. But I am sure that the amount of work invested in solving these problems is the same. Learning to walk a year, and learning to solve logarithmic equations at the age of 15 - both require a lot of effort and diligence. And all these are achievements, successes! But do we find many words or phrases with the help of which we can mark these achievements, encourage this work? But to reproach for the fact that something does not work out, to point out an error, some kind of inability - here we have whole tirades prepared …
It also happens that parents openly expect success and achievements from the child, and on a hidden non-verbal level they broadcast a ban on this. A mother who has failed to make a professional career can be very jealous of her daughter's success. Dad can compete with his son and win all the time in their common, childhood games, because in other areas of his life he does not know how to win. My dad was an engineer with pronounced mathematical abilities, and I had a complete blockage with algebra, and for my dad it was unbearable, he kept poking my nose at my two grades in mathematical and physical sciences, and my undoubted successes in the humanities were not noticed or depreciated.
Children grow up and turn into adults who cannot see and realize their abilities and talents. These adults cannot then apply someone's praise to themselves, rejoice for themselves when they succeed in doing something, do not know how to let in the sincere admiration of others, do not know how to fit it inside themselves and what to do with it next. They do not give themselves the right to success, they achieve, but do not see and do not recognize their achievements, they consider them to be something insignificant, not worthy of attention and healthy pride. A high assessment of their abilities by someone else from the outside simply does not penetrate them. They stop striving, wanting, wanting, content with little. Begin to be afraid of new beginnings. They are not confident in their abilities, in their knowledge and professionalism, and often do not what they want to do.
In our paradigm of upbringing, it is believed that it is necessary to point out the child to mistakes, to focus on what he does not succeed in, as if this stimulates him to prove the opposite. We hire tutors to pull up a child in those subjects in which he is clearly lagging behind, and after he works hard and really pulls himself up, we forget to praise him. We do not seem to notice his work, we do not understand what efforts it cost him instead of the "two" to bring in the diary "three". Yes Yes! Instead of “two”, “three” may be a small success in our opinion, but for a child it is undoubtedly a step forward. This is his achievement! We may not notice this achievement, devalue it, or we may arrange a holiday for the "troika". The joy shared with loved ones from the fact that you have succeeded is a good fuel for moving forward.
After all, how sincerely and sincerely we will rejoice in the success of our child, how much he will learn to let them into his life.
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