2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I don’t want to love you
When talking about psychotherapy, there are many thoughts about accepting yourself and others. And you may get the impression that when you are in this process, you accept yourself and everyone around you. But this is not the case.
Psychotherapy is about increasing sensitivity to yourself, to your needs, tastes, to what you like and what you don't like. And on the one hand, you feel better what you like and it is logical that on the other hand you are also more sensitive to what you do not like.
In Gestalt therapy, psychic mechanisms are explained a lot through physiology. And just like in food we may not like something; something can turn away, also our psyche can turn away something in the world around us, in people.
And today I want, firstly, to dispel the myth that if you are a psychologically developed person, then you like all people. Nothing about them bothers you. You know how budding psychologists banter each other, saying that if something annoys you in another, it means that there is something in you, they say, turn to yourself. And when you figure it out, then the relationship will improve.
Yes, you need to turn to yourself and highlight what exactly you don't like there, but this does not mean at all that after the analysis you will fall in love with a still unpleasant person.
Although it seems that everything is exactly like that.
No.
Sometimes, no matter how much you try to love your neighbor, it only gets worse. Worse because, as usual, feelings are suppressed. Feelings of dislike, rejection.
Life is diverse, sometimes you find yourself in circumstances where you need to establish contact with someone who is unpleasant.
Sometimes a work contract is held together, and sometimes it is someone from relatives or something else.
And sometimes you don't like a person and that's it. And in the head of the idea that it is important to establish a friendly contact, it is even a shame that a person seems to be good (he, by the way, can also try), but still don’t like it.
And if you have already tried different things - and talk and look for common interests, but acceptance lasts for three days, then you know what can help to establish contact with a person?
It's paradoxical.
Letting yourself not love him can help. Not to accept.
No, you don't need to say something directly, this is an inner permission to yourself.
Admit it honestly to yourself. I don't want to love him. If it were my absolute will, I would not communicate with him. (And sometimes we are committed.)
And this will be the point where you stop pulling on reality that which is not there. Where you give up the idea that you can always build warm relationships with everyone. No. Not with everyone and not always.
And it will be acceptance of such a reality.
And precisely because you allow yourself not to love another, irritation to him can decrease. Some of the tension in a relationship can go away.
Because when you force yourself to eat something you don't like, you hate it even more. Because it MUST.
No. Should not. Something else functional that is part of your obligations should, but not love.
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