Midlife Crisis And How To Deal With It

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-15 16:05

Middle age crisis … The concept of SWR - middle age crisis »From the media sounds more and more often. It usually sounds scary, almost like a sentence. The impression is that soon they will frighten children. At the same time, the concepts of “midlife crisis”, male hormonal surge after forty years “gray hair in a beard - a devil in a rib”, menopause and usual depression are often frightened and replaced. Which creates even more chaos and panic in people's heads. And panic, as you know, is never useful. For fear has large eyes, and panic horror interferes with concentration on a successful solution to the problem.

Let's understand the essence of the issue. I will give my personal definition: “ Middle age crisis (CWS) is a temporary unpreparedness of a person's consciousness for setting new goals and tasks of life after reaching about forty - forty-five years, when the main set of biological and social tasks has either already been successfully completed, or it becomes obvious that it will definitely not be fulfilled."

Now I will decipher. The statements now walking on the Internet that the human body is designed for a hundred or even one hundred and fifty years of operation do not correspond to reality. The human biological resource is calculated, on average, for about forty years. These are the lifespan of large primates (such as chimpanzees) in harsh wildlife. According to the design of nature, by this time, females and males will already be able to fully fulfill their task of procreation and raising a new generation. After that, they may die or die from old age and disease.

Life in the conditions of human Civilization has become completely different. Comfortable dwellings, long, safe sleep, clothing, well-fed and varied food, sanitary and hygienic standards, medical assistance (etc.) have made it possible to almost double the life span of a modern person, especially an urban person. But we must not forget that only a hundred or two hundred years ago only a few lived to a ripe old age, most people died before they were fifty.

So, without having harmful addictions (alcoholism, drug addiction, etc.) or serious diseases, now we have every chance to live up to seventy years. In the most developed countries of the world - already up to eighty and ninety years old. But the problem is that the biological and social tasks of a person, at the same time, have not changed yet! Men and women, husbands and wives, are still:

• - strive to create families and give birth to children under the age of thirty-thirty-five, in order to introduce sons and daughters into adulthood by about forty-forty-five years, having successfully completed their parenting cycle;
• - up to thirty years old, up to a maximum of forty-forty-five years to become the owners of their own living space (apartment + dacha or house) in order to guarantee oneself a quiet old age in decent conditions;
• - make a career up to forty years: become bosses or organize your own business;
• - by the age of forty-five, create an annuity for living in old age: earn a decent pension, create an impressive deposit in a bank, develop a business, buy shares, or buy several apartments for rent.

And much more, based on the characteristics of personal life plans.

And all this, I repeat, to forty - forty-five years. A person seems to be internally preparing all the time for the fact that everything is about to end - health, external attractiveness, money, prospects, career, etc., and you need to be ready for this.

→ Plus, circumstances put pressure on a person: By about our forty years old, elderly parents and other relatives, some acquaintances of the same age, begin to leave life. A plus, children move out to their own homes, begin to communicate less with their parents. A plus, the level of sexual activity can begin to decrease (mainly in women with an earlier menopause), which can lead to a cooling of the husband-wife relationship in the family.

As a result, at about forty - forty-five years old, more or less successful men and women, in principle, are satisfied with themselves: the fact that they have coped with their main biological and social tasks, "have lived no worse than others." But, at the same time, they may not really understand: "How, why and for what to live on?" (middle age crisis)

This is how a dangerous imbalance arises between the fact that thanks to Progress we doubled the life of our biological bodies, and the fact that our consciousness was simply not ready to properly live these additional twenty-thirty-forty years with maximum benefit - competently, efficiently and positively! Nobody teaches us this: neither parents, nor teachers at school, nor television experts. For the most part, they themselves are not ready for this.

→ Most often, around we see either ambitious and actively rowing young people up to forty years old, or successful fifty-year-olds luxuriously burning their lives, or drunken losers of any age, or already decrepit respected grandparents deeply over seventy. We practically do not see examples of a planned, uniformly accelerated, progressive, well-thought-out targeted movement of "average" people of forty to sixty years! An ordinary person simply has nothing to be equal to! Hence, a certain confusion and internal disharmony, imbalance. Hectic chaotic pursuit of momentary trends, with no practical result, with disappointment at the end.

To the credit of the beautiful half of humanity, this problem is less relevant for women who are genetically programmed to give priority to children and grandchildren, regardless of the fact that the children themselves are already thirty-forty-fifty-sixty years old. Women usually live for SOMEONE, and this SOMEONE is always visual / non-visual and specific: For husband, parents, children, grandchildren, etc. Therefore, women always have someone to live for. Including, from here, ten years (on average) a greater reserve of longevity for women compared to men.

→ With men it is more difficult. Males in nature are not involved in the upbringing of the younger generation. Hence, it was genetically transmitted that for most men, parenting (as well as the family as a whole) is a useful activity, but not paramount; important, but still, of the second or third order. Men usually live for WHAT, and this is WHAT is usually abstract: for career, status, pride, money, science, people, country, state, higher powers and missions, some abstract family, etc.; who, what will come up with. But the trouble is that the first order of business is a career, by the age of forty or forty-five it can already be formed as a whole. And for employees of power and law enforcement structures, state and municipal services, as well as where a man is required to have improved physical qualities, a career may already end. It is in this psychological vacuum - when a person considers himself still generally young and healthy, but his career (sometimes work activity) is over, the children have grown up and moved out, the main material and everyday issues have already been resolved, intimacy and communication in the family have decreased, in a logical way and comes the so-called middle age crisis ».

A midlife crisis is especially pronounced if a person thinks that he or she has not succeeded in doing something or much. The apartment is small, the children are not as successful as dreamed, the income is low, the position is below abilities; generally underestimated by life and bosses, and due to age there is no chance to make up for everything planned or missed …

♦ When that classical formula arises, which I personally define mathematically as “The probability of a midlife crisis = age + achievements in life - (minus) what was dreamed of, but did not come true and was not received.” ♦

As you can see from the formula, there are not so many options:

• - less age and less achievements = there is optimism, since everything is still ahead;
• - less age and more achievements = even more optimism, as there is hope to get even more
• - older age and a lot of achievements = there is optimism, since there is almost nothing to dream about: everything is fine, but there are still chances to move on;
• - the age is older and there are some average achievements, but the probability of new heights and victories is already low (this is just a mass person) = less optimism and SWR is already right there.
• - older age and low level of achievements (housing from parents, career did not go, money is not enough) = there is no optimism at all and the CWS is already close.

If a person does not know how to correctly respond to the last three options, then he may be seized with confusion: “How and for what purpose to live on ?! What examples and standards should you be guided by? Who or what will help me ?! These are the first symptoms of a midlife crisis. As I say:

"Live, live or survive ?!"

- the main rhetorical question of age 40+

Then the person falls under the influence of their hormones.

Here we have five basic midlife crisis scenarios:

Scenario 1. Depression and menopause, often with alcoholism

If the level of production of male / female sex hormones begins to noticeably decrease after forty years, then quite often the level of serotonin, the basic hormone of stability, comfort and development, begins to decrease. If a person does not find a way to increase serotonin (does not provide himself with sports, sex, pleasant communication, the sun, etc.), he will be depressed. A woman begins to consider herself useless to anyone, cry, moves towards menopause and an even greater development of depression. And there it is already close to a psychologist, and then a psychotherapist / psychiatrist. An adult man, as a rule, does not trust anyone, does not address anyone. He just gets drunk. Thus, further depriving themselves of life prospects. Then - death from strokes, heart attacks, pancreatitis, diabetes, cirrhosis, oncology, etc.

Scenario 2. Long-term mistresses / lovers, family problems

If the level of production of male / female sex hormones after reaching forty years of age either remained at a high level, or even increased (more often in men), then the scheme "Gray in the beard - devil in the rib" may start. The man begins to pick up the missing serotonin on the side, male sex hormones drive him to his mistress. So, instead of (as once upon a time, in his twenty or thirty years) create a new twenty-year plan for his activities within the existing family, set new goals in his career, income, social, political, sports, creative, etc. etc. activity, a man either ineptly spends the remnants of his activity in other people's beds, or has illegitimate children, or first creates a secret (second civil), and then a new family. Of course, quite successful alliances also happen, when in a new marriage a man receives a new positive impulse and cheerfully moves on. But much more often, everything ends with an aging man throwing himself between his wife and his mistress, a loss of respect for him on the part of children and others, a noticeable deterioration in health, depression and a delayed exit to scenario number 1.

In general, at first everything is fun, then sad.

For women in this scenario, everything is about the same.

Scenario 3. New multi-year plan for purely personal development

If the hormonal background is stable, then a man or woman nevertheless creates a long-term plan for their own individual development, without taking into account how at this time they will live and what their closest people - wife / husband, children - will do. This is pure selfishness. A person, as it were, wants to "jump into the last carriage" of his career, to catch up and overtake those who managed to take place earlier and more successfully. Usually - this is the active development of an administrative or business career, ranging from government, serious business and ending with network marketing. Or science, politics, social activities, sports, creativity, hobbies, etc. Regardless of the type of activity, everything is focused on the success of one given person, everything is subordinated to this.

Quite often, it is at the age of 40+ that a person finds his success in life, everyone is very happy for him. But here's the trouble: his close people, at this time, are doing what. Someone - by their own individual development in a similar way, someone quietly burns out in themselves. The family becomes a formality, a union of people who simply do not want to share their wealth. Outwardly - a bright tinsel of success, inside - a gray emptiness and life by inertia.

It can end in different ways. Any of the scenarios described.

I want to emphasize: as a psychologist, I am always happy with great success at the age of 40 and I support this very much. Only, I still recommend the following scheme.

Scenario 4. A new ten to twenty year plan with a balance of personal and family development

Regardless of the level of their hormones, the husband and wife together discuss common common perspectives, pronounce them, accept clear goals. Which (and this is the main thing!) Are comfortable for both partners at once. (Equally comfortable, or to someone more or less, but all the same - they are interesting). It could be a career or a business; breakthrough in the profession and recognition; moving to another city, region or country; cardinal change of profession; the birth of more children; stake on the education, development, career or business of existing children; gaining prominence; emphasis on religion or politics; self-knowledge and self-development; health and longevity, etc.

Then an extremely specific, step-by-step plan for achieving goals is created, designed for many years. The implementation of the now common goals begins. Against this background, the psychological climate in the family improves, intimacy and general leisure are activated. The advantage of this scenario is the achievement of new life successes for a man and a woman without losing the existing family.

Scenario 5. Mix-jumps in several scenarios

Usually, according to the scenario scheme "3 - 2 - 1", or "4 - 3 - 2 - 1", or "2 - 3 - 1", or "2 - 3", or "2 - 3 - 1). But practice shows that chaotic throwing in different directions is not very effective, it is still better to concentrate on some of the more targeted schemes, such as No. 3 and No. 4.

Let me emphasize again:As a psychologist with nearly thirty years of experience, I have had the opportunity to observe many couples and individual men and women for ten to fifteen years. From here, make clear conclusions. Of course, there are good results in scenarios # 2 and # 3. However, the most optimal option is still scenario # 4: a new long-term dynamic period in the life of a man and a woman without destroying the existing family, without losing children, reputation, money, property and health.

A frequent difficulty in the implementation of scenario 4 is the lack of ideas between men and women. As a matter of fact, often husbands and wives give birth to mistresses / lovers in order to get a set of new ideas and support in their implementation with the passivity of the existing "family half".

To avoid the need for this, I highly recommend the following scheme, which my grateful clients have long called "Zberovsky + 100 friends." Developed back in the 1990s.

Scheme "Zberovsky + 100 friends"is simple: If a husband and wife cannot themselves come up with general joint directions of their development at the age of 40+ (50+, 60+), then each of them (or one of the couple, the most active), for a period of six months (i.e. i.e. half a year), are obliged to hold a personal meeting (in extreme cases - a long conversation via video communication or telephone) with all their acquaintances and friends. Not even necessarily successful. We just take all contacts from a mobile phone, find all classmates, classmates and acquaintances from social networks, write and call them, invite them to dinner. As Sherlock Holmes used to say, “elementary”!

There must be at least 100 meeting-conversations! That is, with a hundred people.

On average 3-5 meetings per week. 10-15 meetings a month. 100 meetings in six months.

Any format of communication: business breakfast, business lunch, dinner, restaurant, barbecue or guests at the weekend.

Meetings are needed in one-to-one format. As a last resort, married couples.

The meetings are not collective! Not birthdays and other mass celebrations. On them, except for jokes and toasts, there will be no result. And we need it!

During a conversation, a person frankly shares his doubts and thoughts about his future. Asks his friend, acquaintance, relative, colleague, etc. advice on the topic: “How can I live and what to do for the next decade, or even twenty? Maybe you have some ideas? Or specific suggestions? Or an example of your own experience? Or an example of someone else's experience? Or criticism of your own ideas expressed? Or are there projects, ideas and organizations where there is an opportunity to work together? And so on and so forth.

So that you do not hear from a person, you should not take it to heart, and even more so immediately rush into the implementation of the proposed and prompted (of course, except for the sweetest options). It is necessary to patiently conduct all new meetings - "creative brainstorming", discussing all this at a family council: with a wife / husband, with the participation of adult children, relatives and friends.

♦ What do we get as a result? ♦

• Firstly, we get your volumetric, as you can now say "3D model". Your collective image with an analysis of your strengths and weaknesses. With an understanding of what can and should be improved in you and how.
• Secondly, a set of interesting ideas for career / business development or proposals (for changing profession, region, etc.). Which will provide a couple with interesting activities for many years, giving additional chances for success in life.
• Thirdly, rejection of some options from those who were proposed by others.
• Fourth, those allies that can offer you or go to work for them, or create a common business, or implement some idea.
• Fifth, an increase in the circle of friends and a variety of leisure activities (after all, communication with some of the friends will become more frequent and systemic).
• At sixth, strengthening the family through active communication between husband and wife.

We have a plan for an interesting life, not for living out, and no lovers / mistresses are needed anymore. Isn't it great ?! Of course it's great!

I emphasize: This scheme for finding the optimal scheme for revitalizing life at the age of 40+ (with the preservation of the family) does not just work, it even works!

I highly recommend it. It is easy to implement and not very expensive. I am sure that five to ten thousand rubles a month for business lunches, which will give you an impulse for five to ten active years ahead, will pay off hundreds of times. And even in the millions!

And most importantly, the midlife crisis, and with it depression, will be removed as if by hand

That's all! I just advise you to comprehend the text of the article and start implementing the most successful scenario # 4 either through discussions in the family, or through the "Zberovsky + one hundred friends" scheme. It may not be necessary to hold all hundred meetings: a bright and interesting idea will visit you already at the tenth or twentieth lunches! Which is what I wish you.

If you are overtaken by a "midlife crisis", depression, "gray hair in a beard - a devil in a rib" syndrome, you will need the help of a psychologist - call me at 89266335200

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