2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Svetlana walked along the alleys of the park. She wondered why it was so difficult for her to do what she wanted.
Six months ago, she decided to go abroad. When it came time to collect documents and pay for the trip, she felt that she did not want to do this. Now, if someone did it … Svetlana would be happy to move to the designated places, but she did not want to engage in the arrangement of visiting them.
The same thing happened with work. Having her own business, which requires spending time on advertising, Svetlana tried to persuade herself that she could not do this. That she does not have the strength and intelligence for such a task, but she did not replenish her knowledge. And the question of hiring a specialist who knows how to promote the business was not even considered. There was no money for this.
At such moments, she turned into a little girl in an adult guise. She hardly admitted to herself that she was becoming a child who could not do anything. I was upset and struck in search of someone who would do this.
Deep down, she understood that she could deal with advertising and recreation on her own, but she just didn’t want to. She had a hard time admitting her unwillingness to start her own business. She was afraid of responsibility. However, she understood that no one else would be the creator of her business and leisure.
Sometimes she asked herself questions: who wants good income, who wants travel, who wants a stable relationship? It turned out that this was what she wanted. Overcoming resistance, she had the impression that she was pushing herself forward towards the goal. Finding herself in such a situation in relation to herself, she already wished not to want anything. She is so accustomed to living in such a way that another is alien to her and not feasible. As someone said, "Strong neural connections have been formed." But in order for new connections to form, it is advisable to do something else. Then you have to force yourself, no matter what it costs her.
"Why should what is desired be done through violence against oneself?" she wondered, making another effort. After all, there is everything to make the journey. But there was also something hidden, more important.
She felt a vague alarm. “I want to go on this trip, but I feel like a traitor. Only in front of whom? - one answer came, - in front of relatives. Svetlana was captured by guilt. But after a moment, anger appeared. She, for the sake of the peace of her loved ones, deprived herself of pleasure! Only so as not to stand out from the clan and tribe. Be like them, without pretending to be more.
She understood why she needed men who babysit her. Then she can say that it is not her, but someone else is to blame for the fact that she lives differently from her relatives. She did nothing for this - success, money, travel - this is not her, but that "guy" and poke a finger in his direction. And here is success - she is clean before her relatives.
Svetlana was horrified by the cunning with the help of which she wanted to avoid accusations and responsibility. But in this case, she could not live like her relatives.
“I want to live differently. Stop yourself for their peace of mind? No I do not want to! I am different and I want more in this life than to be faithful, waiting for family traditions … What do I expect? Life is one and as I heard, it is not given for rent. Svetlana did not notice how she left the park and headed towards the travel agency, where she made an appointment with the operator. The decision was taken.
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