Aging Relatives. Understand The Drama Of The Downed Pilot. Part 2

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-12 20:57

As optimistic as we are, we must admit that old age is a time of loss. Loss of hair, teeth, vision, friends, opportunities, perspectives and influences. Sometimes reason, sometimes all morality.

Nature is wise. She had foreseen everything. The loss of old age brings a person closer to the moment of his complete relaxation. The attachment to life is less and less with every loss. It's easier to leave that way. It is easier to get rid of attachments, attachment takes away old age.

- Grandma, can I take your curlers. I'm going to twist my friends' hair.

“I don’t need them, my three hairs don’t need them anymore. Take it.

Everything is temporary: teeth, hair, strength, ambition, and influence. Everything. And that's all. Irrevocably losing the image of oneself in parts, it is easier to meet the most important event in life - death. You don't need hair, teeth, influence, or a savings account to face death.

Sometimes we tend to say that old age is the unimaginable disgust of nature. Then why does our heart get broken if a middle-aged man full of strength passes away? And it is easier for us to say goodbye to those who have lived a full life and died in a ripe old age?

We need wisdom and courage to comprehend nature. Comprehend, respect and revere.

Love nature. What does it mean? Love green lawns, spring birdsong, oak groves? To love rosy-cheeked, auking toddlers, smelling of milk? It's so easy to love this beautiful side of nature. Neither courage nor wisdom is needed. It's easy to be in awe of such spectacles. True reverence is in trust. In trust in the whole design of nature. And to such an "ugly" her "passage" as old age.

Old age is a time of great changes, without changes in the life of an old man. Change is taking over the whole family. The more you learn about the nature of old age, the easier it will be for you to accept the challenges that it is bound to pose.

So, what is characteristic of old age. Knowing these characteristics of the psyche of old people, perhaps you will be more understanding about the changes in their character.

A peculiar relationship with time. Old people have practically no prospects. If we talk about deep old people, then it does not exist at all. The old man's time is "here and now": "I washed the dishes, and, thank God." "Tomorrow" for some old people is a luxury, for others it is a punishment. If they have plans for the future, they always have a cautious proviso: "if I live then …".

In addition, the past is actively present in the present of the old man. Dear, living past. There is so much of the past in the present day of the old man, again, because there is practically no future in it.

It is very difficult for an old man to switch to something new. It is difficult to move on to a new topic in a conversation. It is important for him to express everything that worries him in the present.

Desire to feel young and full of energy again. I have already said that the past is actively involved in the present of the old man. It participates through stories about it. Some relatives are annoyed by these conversations. But it should be understood that during these stories a person again feels young, beautiful, and dexterous. He cheats time. For a few minutes, he feels full of vitality again. The weak old man becomes strong again. Experiencing his successes, mentally meeting with old friends. Memories of the period of life when everything was ok is the main source of positive emotions in old age. The self-esteem of a helpless old man rises sharply when telling about the past. We can notice this by the suddenly straightened posture, the shine in the eyes, the energetic movements of the hands, and the "revived" facial expressions. Memories literally "revived" the old man.

Sometimes we feel that the old man is embellishing something here. This gives him strength and raises his self-esteem. He himself does not feel at all that his story is a little unreal. He believes in its reality. The power of creative imagination has been proven. Carrying out the reconstruction of his memories, serving them under a "tasty sauce", the old man expels apathy, instills cheerfulness and optimism in himself. Isn't that what we want for our loved ones? Listen! And listen with pleasure! Get involved in this game. Admire. By doing this, you help and support your loved one.

You may argue: “But he doesn't pay attention to my time at all. After all, I still have that future. And it brings it into the memories. If there is absolutely no time and you cannot listen to the old man now. This, of course, can cause resentment in the old man. But you will be quickly forgiven if you promise to definitely return to this conversation, since you are eager to find out what happened next. And really do it. There is no need to wait for the initiative from the old man. Be sure, for all the weakness of his memory, he remembers your promise. Remind the old man of the conversation when time permits. Become a hearing. Hear what he has to say. And for what.

Is he telling how brave he was? Admire, be amazed at the courage. He tells how stupid he was? Applaud his experience that appreciates stupidity. Does he remember something tragic? Don't block the experience. If he thinks that what happened to him is terrible, do not seek to construct his experience. Admittedly, "Yes, it's terrible."

Loss of flexibility. Old age is a time of numbness. Neither the body, nor the way of thinking, nor the feelings of the old man at all correlate with plasticity and movement. The old man freezes in a template, a frame. Reorientation, revision, change are rare companions in old age. On the contrary, we see rigidity, numbness and sketchiness.

Senile stereotyping is common. The stereotype of the old man allows him to save his own strength. Sometimes even young people find it difficult to overcome some stereotype. Overcoming a stereotype is trying to see things anew. But the old man does not have the strength and, again, mental mobility. For an old man, this is energy-consuming and often doomed to failure. The system of stereotypes serves as the core of the personal tradition of the elderly. The point is that the system of stereotypes provides the old man with an ordered, more or less understandable picture of the world. This system comfortably accommodates the habits of old people, their tastes, abilities, views on truth and lies. Old people feel at home in the world of stereotypes, they are an integral part of it. Therefore, do not be surprised that any attempt to change the stereotype is perceived by the old man as an attack on the foundations of the universe.

To demand from an old man a revision of the foundations of his universe is sometimes just as cruel as if we demanded that he walk with a "flying gait".

If you see that the old man is firmly entrenched in the ambush of his prejudices, do not try to get him out of there. Each of us needs an orientation system. Our age allows us to change something in it and stay in our mind. The old man does not have such opportunities. It doesn't matter if the orientation system is true or false. It is important that the old man will go mad without her.

You should also not try to "modernize" the old man. If he is persistent in some way of doing something that, in your opinion, has long been "outdated", you should understand that the stubbornness of the old man is connected with the fact that in defending this, he is defending himself, his identity, his right to be. In addition, we may not even suspect what other "good" reasons make the old man stubborn.

- Mom, why did we give you a vacuum cleaner ?!

- I dont know. You donated.

- Why sweep the floor with a broom, raise dust, then wipe it off? Don't you feel sorry for your strength?

- All my life I've been sweeping the floor with a broom. And wiped off the dust. And she raised you all, and blew away dust particles from you without a vacuum cleaner. And behind your vacuum cleaner I can't hear the doorbell ring. And if they come to take meter readings? I won't open it. They will decide that I do not want to open. It was not enough that because of your vacuum cleaner I was suspected of doing something with the counter.

A person's reputation is at stake.

My years are my wealth. Experience is what it is customary to value, respect, and rely on. This is true. But there is another truth. The truth of our modern life.

The youth and maturity of our loved ones passed in completely different conditions. Nobody needs their experience. More often than not, we cannot apply it in any way in the modern world. The old people run around with it, offer it to everyone, sometimes angrily insist on its use by young people. But this “wealth” is sometimes rejected by young people with undisguised contempt. Adaptive opportunities in old age are lost, it is difficult for a person to rebuild his life, views and values; old age correlates with conservatism.

Old people "block" themselves from the unasked reality, obsessively returning to the previously successful stereotypes of adaptation, which today are inappropriate and inadequate.

The old man persists in his previous programming decisions with dogmatic recklessness. Faced with the failure of past modes of action, old people often do not give up and persist, hysterically trying to maintain the status quo that does not fit into reality.

Old people yearn for the simple, understandable, where their stereotypes were appropriate in a measured social life. Instead of adapting to the new, they "automatically" continue to apply the old programs of action, thereby increasing more and more the distance from reality and the younger generation. The lack of demand for one of the main advantages of old age - experience, gives rise to problems of intergenerational interaction.

What does the old man feel? He feels completely beggar. Out of context. Laughed at and pathetic. A vestige of history.

Have you presented? How does it feel? Be patient and open-minded. Let him speak, let him share. Don't be mean and cruel. Recognize the old man's experience. It affirms him in life. It does not allow depression and apathy to develop, and if they overcome the old man, believe me, it will not become easier for you.

Much human suffering stems from the understanding of uselessness and irrelevance. The experience of inappropriateness, if it becomes chronic, generates the desire to become irrelevant to the end (go crazy, get depressed, die). I don’t think this is what you are dreaming of.

On the contrary, attempts to share experiences should be treated with respect and joy. This is a signal for you that there is still a little senile meaning. There is a thirst for the meaning of one's own existence. Support her.

Old people climb with advice, as it sometimes outrages. But in advising, the old man wants to be useful and meaningful. Old people take the devaluation of advice to heart. It is not necessary to follow the advice given by the old man. But it is not necessary to depreciate it immediately.

- Grandma, what do you understand? When was the last time you were at a wedding?

- In my youth, I was at the weddings of all my friends, and I had a lot of them!

- Grandma times have changed! Weddings have changed too!

- Oh, I'd rather die!

Exaggeration of events and ritualization of life. The old man's life is not rich in events. Hence their tendency to "inflate" all sorts of trifles and trifles to universal proportions.

Darning of socks can become a "whole thing". And sometimes, from the point of view of loved ones, it is a strange affair, brought to a sacred action. One day you may experience the shock that you, who suddenly arrived to visit an old man, are not at all welcome. And the reason for this is the sink wash, which the old man was preparing to carry out for a week, and now you interrupted him, and he is just waiting for you to finally leave.

By showing respect for all sorts of "strange habits" of the old man, you will provide both him and yourself with peace of mind. All sorts of "little things" that the old man treats as a treasure sometimes cause misunderstanding and irritation in their children. Let's imagine that you still managed to convince the old man, and he will give up his "strange" habit and all sorts of little things. What will change globally? Most likely nothing. Then why waste so much energy, quarrel and suffer? Show respect for the old man's favorite "little things" and for his "super important" affairs.

What is a trifle for loved ones is not a trifle for an old man. Imagine what a trifle your promotion may seem to a person who, perhaps, did his “ridiculous” ritual, from your point of view, for the last time in his life.

It is better to notify your old relatives about your visit. When making an appointment, consider the old man's plans and daily routine. The old man's rituals allow him to maintain peace of mind and a sense of control over his own life: "I am still the master of my life."

You can argue: “But maybe it is they, the old people, who should adjust to us? After all, they have a lot of time, unlike us. And they are so often busy with all sorts of little things! But their business fussiness is a sign of adaptation: the need to be business preoccupied is a mechanism to avoid suffering, which is an eternal companion in old age.

Selfishness. Many old people become selfish. But this is not the usual selfishness, in the sense that we are used to treating this concept. There are many reasons for this.

The old man's body gives unpleasant signals all the time, insistently demands attention to itself. Think back to yourself when you had the simplest and most harmless cold. How much have you thought about others? Or thoughts were still riveted to themselves?

Old age is a disease that does not go away. Hence such self-concern. Besides, the old man's world is shrinking. Friends and relatives are dying. All kinds of heresy are on TV. Close people are over-busy with their worries. How can one not become selfish?

Selfishness is one of the mechanisms that help to adapt. The old man is focused on himself, on his experiences, movements, sensations. One old woman, who "lost her temper", out of her senile task, in a joyful impulse, sharply waved her hand to wave to her three-year-old great-grandson, pulled a tendon, after which she suffered for a long time. This is what the impulse to contact with another person at this age is fraught with.

The duality of loneliness. Experiencing loneliness in old age is ambiguous. On the one hand, there is a heavy feeling of separation from those around, and the fear of loneliness. On the other hand, it is a clear desire to isolate oneself from those around him, a desire to protect one's peace and stability from alien invasions.

- Mom, why are you whining all the time? Why do you invite me to visit? To be offended and say leave?

- So I was waiting for you as people! And you are like animals!

- Which of us are animals ?! Who wraps the loaves in rags ?! Your loaves together with rags are dearer to you than us!

These conflicting trends must be reckoned with. Your name is not for you to rearrange, reshape, furnish at your own discretion. The loaves were unrolled from rags and placed in a bread bin.

It is necessary to learn how to share the life of a loved one, accepting his idea that loaves in rags do not stale. Stay with him, brighten up his loneliness. Loaves and rags are not more important than you. But for the old man (forgive him such a luxury) he himself is still important. And what he decided. And his personal myth about loaf preservation is important.

Harassment ideas … Old people often think that loved ones are not fair with them. It seems to them that they are oppressed both morally and physically. The main feeling is resentment. The old man thinks that they want to get rid of him. Don't waste a lot of energy proving that the old man is wrong. Just keep loving and caring for him.

In conclusion, I will present a short review of Alexander Payne's feature film "Nebraska", the psychological analysis of the characters of which is capable of performing the function of introspection and comprehending the nature of the relationship between "fathers and children". The idea and the message come to the fore in this picture. Payne's black-and-white cinema is like reading a book without bright colors and "noisy" effects, where people's lives are written in black and white. The film introduces us to a simple family, where our closest companions will be father and son. Father - an old man with a "character", with an addiction to alcohol and beginning Alzheimer's disease, receives a letter in the mail with a message about the winning of a million, which can be collected in Lincoln, Nebraska. The father is determined to take his winnings. The family - a wife and two adult sons, not believing in a win, protest against this venture. The youngest son, without enthusiasm, decides to help his father, and they hit the road. During the journey, the son gets closer to his father and learns a lot that he could not have learned in their entire previous life. In the final, travelers receive their winnings, as do all those who decide to join their journey.