2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
"I refuse to expect from you what you cannot give me …." is a great constellation phrase. Hellinger used it in the context of the adult-child-parent relationship and the topic of the separation process.
But for me, this phrase is about expectations from the other in general.
By imposing expectations on another person, we seem to cut off part of our capabilities (part of the flow coming to us from the world) and give them over to the power of this other. Without his knowledge, more often than not.
Such power is burdensome and even repulsive. A person can intuitively close and possibly begin to give less (attention, effort, time, money, any resource), without realizing why.
And we, in turn, are hurt by our own expectations. And not once, but every time we face disappointment, every time the other does not justify the mission we have entrusted to him … And the person does not even know.
The truth is, we are trapped in our own mind. We compose a beautiful illusion, impose it on a person as an expectation and stubbornly wait (sometimes for years) that a person will begin to realize our picture. We are fighting for our dream. Sometimes we even use violence (emotional, psychological, sexual, economic, physical) to "bend" a person and reality at the same time.
But reality is such a special substance that "bends" only to a certain limit. And if it is so important to realize something, you need to make contact: with a person, the state, the world … To voice your desires, feel your capabilities, find out how it is possible to place it in society and what in this context the same person is able to do and wants Does he even do this?
Expectations are destructive for the relationship and painful for each of the participants. By giving up expectations, we are freed for real exchange, we acquire the opportunity to enjoy feelings from the processes of sincere "give and take." In the good dynamics of the relationship, each of the couple seeks to give more to the other, without violence, out of love and gratitude. Try to give sincerely, try to honestly see and accept what is being given to you.
Dreaming and wishing is wonderful. But periodically test your contact with reality, the vitality of your dreams. Ask yourself the question: "If all this really happens, will I be able to handle it? Will I endure as much love / money / career / relaxation as I dream?"
Dream. But have someone next to you who asks a sobering question. And may you have the courage to hear it and honestly answer yourself.
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