Coaching Is The Key To Success. Part 2

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

From the author: How to come to awareness and understanding of your life, learn to distinguish between true and false desires, understand your purpose and find meanings? Well - let's figure it out together

Interview of the independent journalist Olga Kazak with the head of the Center for Strategic Coaching and Psychotherapy "Values of Innovations", coach and psychoanalyst Damian Sinaisky (continued)

A: Who is responsible for coaching?

D: Responsibility is, of course, the one who has freedom. If the client is aware of freedom for his life, then he is responsible for his future and independent decision-making. Correspondence, of course, is borne by the coach, as a person who creates a space of freedom, which the client can then transform in society, in life, in work, in personal life, in achieving success. Today, I believe and think that my colleagues will agree with me: the office of a coach, the office of a psychoanalyst is one of the only places where a person can be himself. It is very important.

A: Damian, you are talking so heartfelt with such great enthusiasm that I really want to ask you why you are doing this? What is coaching for you?

D: Coaching … You know, since childhood, I liked to be such a thinker, or something. My mother, a high school teacher, historian, managed to instill in me a love of knowledge, I have always studied philosophy, art, psychology. He received education in various areas of activity, worked in the humanitarian field, then, quite successfully, in business, taught. When people reached out to me for advice, first acquaintances, then acquaintances of acquaintances - such word of mouth, and my recommendations turned out to be effective, I realized that my niche was exactly. Because this is what helps me to work as systematically as possible and help people achieve the success they want. And in such an empirical way, or something, I realized - yes, this is interesting to me, I have education, knowledge, experience - and I opened my office, which was later organized as the Center for Strategic Coaching and Psychotherapy “Innovation Values.

My colleagues and I have collected our various developments in our practice, our research, combined all this and now we want to offer society, corporations, enterprises a specific coach service, a specific product for which we are responsible, which is in great demand and is important at this stage of our life. when we are overwhelmed from all sides by some sanctions, problems, fears - so that the work is more efficient, and, naturally, more profitability, more satisfaction from employees, reliability, loyalty, freedom. This is a new direction, especially in our country. That is, of course, many corporations buy, hire, conclude agreements with Western coaches, and even something turns out there, but on a deeply unconscious level, it doesn't work out. Because cross-cultural differences between our countries are very strong, there is a great difference in mentality - we have a completely different coordinate system.

A: Then it is impossible not to ask what it gives you, what are your, let's call it, benefits, in being a coach and helping people find their destiny?

D: I, like all of us, still live on earth, in the material world. Of course, at a certain period of my life, I was concerned about the material well-being of my family. Now, when these rear areas have already been created, it is interesting for me to deal with more socially significant things, social projects, which is called research history. Incredible things. We are fixated on the past - “what would happen if I had a dad, now if I had a different mom, if I didn't have such an education, etc.”.

But the reasons for our present are not only in the past, but also in the future. That is, let's say we set goals for the future, and this future already affects our present. Moreover, there is also a moment of correlation between time and space - that, today, day in which we live, and in the time when we were in the past. That is, the present for our past is the future. And, as a rule, everyone says that the past affects the future, that is, the present. In no case. We can, thanks to psychology, psychoanalysis from the present-future, return to ourselves for 10 years in history, in the past and change the past. That is, it is not the past that affects the present, but the future can change the past. And clients very often prove it. And, accordingly, having changed the past, through the psychological mechanisms of work - memories, associations, maybe - the interpretation of some vivid dreams - this is the language of the unconscious, when we become aware, we can change the present and, accordingly, our future.

In other words, this life scenario - the so-called pattern - of a family or some kind of personal one that repeats, repeats, repeats, and the person does not understand why, well, why this is happening. And this can be transformed, enriched and created a completely new life scenario for yourself and for your children.

We must understand that our worldview and our values, preferably genuine, are the most important thing that we have. After all, it happens that a person sets a goal, achieves it and says - and it is a false goal for me. Therefore, before building this goal, you need to understand what is a false goal and what is a real goal? And in order to understand what the goal is, you need to understand - where are you? And in order to understand where you are, you need to understand where you came from. And where are the values. For example, an experiment was carried out, a very interesting, documentary fact, carried out several times and confirmed several times:

For example, I, officially, in public, introduce you into a state of so-called suggestion and tell you that you are a very famous budding scientist, and you have made a very good discovery. But your scientific advisor - and I point to the man standing next to him, calling him by his first name and patronymic - he stole your discovery, appropriated it for himself. I throw such a false seed into you, and then I bring you out of the state. We start talking, and you suddenly start saying that you recently made a discovery, but it was stolen from you, your scientific advisor stole it. And you find dozens of arguments, you are convinced of this, and from this state of imaginary charm, we can take you out only by plunging you into the state again and pulling out this grain.

Now let's shift this experiment to our surrounding life. Imagine a child who is born into this world: maybe an unsuccessful family, maybe false values from parents, then a teacher at school, I'm not talking about TV, radio, some pseudo-heroes, idols. Since childhood, we go through all these hypnotic, psychological tricks - television, radio, uncles, aunts, oligarchs - everyone instills in us that this is such a good life, and you should live like that; you are poor, you must live poor, and we, the rich, must live richly. That is, here it is - this is a seed of suggestion that is laid in us through the media that belong to oligarchs or the state. And for them, the state, the oligarchs, it is beneficial, beneficial for us to be in a state of zombie, of such a spiritual mankurt who does not understand anything, they only cram into him what he should think, they already have a monopoly on thinking. Therefore, in the office, we try, through a unique vision, to reveal, transform the true worldview, true values.

I recently had a client, a wealthy man, just cried: "Damian, it turns out that we do not understand why we were born into this world, why do we live and why do we die?" - "Well, you are thinking - it's already good" - "But what about my relatives,my friends?" - I say: "Well, let's start with you little by little." In fact, these are very important things, because they are meaningful. A person lives, dies, is ill and does not understand why? I've worked with people like that. There is no worse suffering of people who are already dying that they lived a false life, had false values, chased money, and so on. And now it's the norm. Yes, I do not mind - material values are needed, but this should not be the main value.

A: Damian, you say so emotionally that I wanted to ask you: if it becomes more or less clear with false values, then what are the true values? Are these universal values or are they different for each person?

D: Basic values are, of course, universal human values, after all, we are born into the human world and live in the human world. These are the same 10 commandments that all people accept. And in this case, the person probably starts with this. It is very important to feel like a person, if I may say so, with a capital letter. And already the transformation, the manifestation of these basic values - they are probably already manifested in everyone's life in their own way.

Difficult, hard, very hard. I recently worked with a new client, a very successful entrepreneur - she not only divides people into hers and strangers, she divides them into her own blood and someone else's blood. To such an extent, the worldview distortion is already underway! And how does a person live in such a world, in the outlook of such a psychic reality? How to understand this? When such values are: “I am doing a good deed or not doing a good deed, only to the extent that it will benefit me. If this does not benefit me, then why should I do a good deed? I agree to do a good deed if it brings me an additional bonus, or profit, or some kind of recognition. That is, everything is not completely mutilated - it is distorted. We are, indeed, the kingdom of crooked mirrors. And this is again - and psychology, and, and philosophy, and art combined.

A: Well, does it help in finding the true value?

D: Yes. Let us recall the situation with the experiment. A person creates this matrix for himself and lives inside this matrix, based on false values, on a false seed, and he is convinced that this is his correct worldview, his coordinate system is correct. Therefore, a very gradual, evolutionary path is needed here in order to pull out the grain that someone planted, strengthened, and which gave false, poisoned shoots. It is necessary to gradually bring a person to the true source.

I can give another analogy here, I like it, I myself thought about it: let's say a person lives his whole life near a swamp, for years, decades, and his grandfathers and grandmothers also lived there. Here he drinks swamp water and does not know any other water. Then he moves, say, to a river, drinks river water and says - well, yes, river water seems to be a little better than swamp water. Then, relatively speaking, he moves to a metropolis, drinks tap water and says - well, yes, tap water is still better than river water, here tea is somehow tastier. And then he drinks bottled water, which is sold in bottles and he likes it even more. And, finally, he finds himself somewhere on mountain peaks, pure snow, where a spring beats. A person drinks this spring water and says: listen, this is a real source, this is pure water.

But if a person who has been drinking swamp water all his life is immediately given spring water, he will spit it out and say: "Why are you slipping poison on me?" - That is, we need gradualism, evolution, this is very important. And the client, who gradually realizes these changes, his eyes become clearer, and his outlook on life expands, he becomes more joyful, and the world is more polyphonic, perceives more colors, and experiences more pleasure, joy, and he already has a meaning. Not the meaning that was suggested - false, and he suffers, but will still do, but real, genuine. And this process is very important.

I have a client, an entrepreneur, recently cited a very interesting metaphor: “Damian, I've realized that working with you is like the process of baking pies. In me, my psyche, some of my values, stereotypes - they were so false, they were so hard, so stone that it was necessary to these grains, which had already become moldy, first clean everything, grind into flour, make dough from flour, make this cake out of the dough and bake it. But the main baker is me. And I tell him - good, great. This whole process, it is rather very exciting, although it may be painful, but the client realized this, he himself said that I really am the baker of my life, I am the builder and creator of my temple, I am not a cog, I not a bolt, and I myself have the right, the freedom to live and be in that place, in a career in life, where I consider it necessary, where my meaning is. This is very important, I think.

A: Damian, I can’t resist and ask: what is your temple for you now?

D: Well, so to speak, my temple is probably, naturally, myself, with my inner world, with my values, to which I also walked, and it was an exciting journey, sometimes very difficult, acute, tragic. These are, of course, the values of my loved ones and, of course, these are the values of my clients. And I here, at the moment, do not share, because we live in a community, and I have always recognized myself through others and I had wonderful teachers, from elementary school to the present day.

A: Coming back to the topic of values. This, after all, is not a story about personal development, about personal development trainings, this is a completely new thing, right?

D: Yes. Although we are psychologists and coaches, we work at the intersection of professions and here, of course, now there is a very fashionable trend - quantum physics, quantum mechanics. So, one of the famous mathematicians-physicists, Kurt Gödel, said that the axioms of a system cannot be proved internally within the framework of this system. To find answers to these axioms, tasks - you need to go beyond the boundaries of this system. That is, just like a client, when he is looking for solutions, answers to his questions within his coordinate system, within his matrix, he will never be able to find them, because he is stepping on the same rake. To find these answers, he must go beyond his system.

And then there is another example, a thought experiment of the famous Nobel laureate Erwin Schrödinger, called "Schrödinger's Cat": a closed box, inside it is a box with a cat inside. There is a nuclear core and poison gas next to the box. If the nucleus disintegrates, then the box opens, the gas comes out and the cat becomes dead. The essence of the experiment is as follows: if you do not observe the experiment, then at some point it is not clear whether the nucleus has disintegrated or not yet? Is the cat dead or is the cat alive? That is, there are two states at the same time, until we open the box and see with our own eyes. This moment is very important - when the mixture chooses this or that state. That is, when a person is very confused in his problems, and he has this confusion, then at this moment the role of a coach is very important to help the client transform this mixed state into a healthier, more positive one.

There is still an element of antinomy (contradiction) here, which clients also cannot understand in any way. A famous idiom - is the glass half full or half empty? That is, it can be both this and that. This is when two arguments, which can be separately proven as true, together do not answer the question.

A: The patient is more dead than alive. The patient is more alive than dead. Remember - Pinocchio

D: Yes, we can take Pinocchio. But this just says that we, being inside our consciousness, inside our psyche, our boundaries, through which we cannot look - we cannot work within the system, that is, we need a "golden key", we need another door, need a different space. We cannot work within our system with the same tools, we must change the way of thinking. We need to change the worldview, the mental coordinate system, only then can we find other options. But not within this system.

A: In one of the radio programs on Radio Moscow Says, where you were co-presenter, I remember your words very well, because they seemed to me very accurate. It was just about the borders, about the fact that they do not need to be cut, they do not need to be rudely and abruptly violated, and not even to jump over these borders, but you just need to expand them

D: Yes, transform, expand, enrich, this is very important. I am always for connection, combination and enrichment, there is no need to destroy or divide anything.

And here there is also such a nuance: often clients who are a little distant or captivated by stereotypes say: “It's like, Damian - we'll talk and that's all? Will I be successful? - This is also a very important point, because language, speech is an indicator of the way of thinking. For example, I have a client, an entrepreneur, he himself begins to understand this and says: “Damian, my speech is clumsy and I understand that my speech is also clumsy. And if my success is clumsy, then my success is clumsy. Because I make decisions, work with customers, do some work thanks to my thinking, analytical mind, intellect …”That is, our language and speech are directly related to the way of thinking: phonemes are built into words, words into sentences, sentences into texts, the texts have some meanings, and when the coach helps the client to expand this linguistic space, that new knowledge appears, and those new meanings that the client acquires through speech, through discussion, through the search for some answers, and it is this knowledge that leads to material changes. Including, as a rule, successful ones.

A: In the beginning there was a word …

D: Yes, and a lot depends on the word, on the word. And this is the space of the office - it makes it possible, after all, a little, a little bit to try to become yourself and find your meanings. And as soon as this happens, the person is already simply going on an ascending basis.

A: Damian, when in your practice you are faced with the fact that a person is really changing, and his approach to life is changing, he suddenly reveals his purpose, gets rid of some of his behavior patterns that hindered him, what do you experience in this moment? What's this? Joy or …

D: Yes, Olga. As you shrewdly noticed, I am a rather emotional person and the interest of the client, his, as I say, radiant eyes is very important for me. And, of course, I feel satisfaction and joy when a person sees, some kind of insight appears on his face, something is immediately in the eyes, in the look is transmitted …

Let me give you an example of a parable. Once a man comes to the sage and says: "I want to get advice," and the sage is very busy, and says to the person: "I urgently need money. I have a precious stone - please go to the market and, preferably, sell it for at least 10 gold coins, no less. " The man agreed, went to the bazaar and began to offer this stone to all sorts of sellers. And one tells him - I will give 10 copper coins, another - 10 silver, the third - well, maximum 1 gold. But a person knows that it is not worth doing this, and he arrives in the evening tired, and says to the sage: "Listen, this stone is not worth your price." And the sage says: “Good. Go see a professional appraiser tomorrow who has been dealing with gemstones for many years. He will offer you 100 gold coins, no less. " And the person went to this professional appraiser. At first he studied this precious stone for a long time, then thought for a long time and said: “Your stone - it is worth a thousand gold coins. Now I have only 900, if you wait until evening, I will give you a thousand gold coins, if you agree. " The man is shocked - there were offered copper coins, here - a thousand gold coins. And he says: "No, I better go, I will ask the sage again."He returns to the sage and says: “Listen, teacher - there, in the market, they offered me coins in general, here –1000 gold coins, I don’t know, I don’t understand, what should I do?” And the wise man says to him: “Here you are - this precious stone. And when you go to the market of life - you get a job, you meet people, and when you are appreciated, appreciated that you are worth - whether a copper or a silver coin, you better go to a specialist, professional, who will help you realize your true value and value".

It seems to me that the coach can help the client realize this true value of his. If, of course, the client has such a desire and need.

A: It seems to me that this parable is a good ending for our interview, because you can't put it better than in such an allegorical form

Thank you, Damian, for such an interesting, meaningful and detailed conversation, I enjoyed it. Hope for further meetings.

D: And thank you, Olga. It is indeed very pleasant and interesting to communicate with you. Good luck and success to our readers!

Damian of Sinai

Leadership training expert, psychoanalyst

Head of the Center for Strategic Coaching and Psychotherapy "Innovation Values"