How To Save Yourself And Not Kill Your Partner

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Quarantine is a joy to someone, a burden to someone, like any period of life.

But still, for the majority, "life now" is a difficult time, because the usual way of life has changed dramatically. It follows from this that the majority is now

in a state of stress - neuropsychic stress

Theoretically, it is important for a person to adapt as soon as possible to the conditions that life presents to him in order to keep your mental and physical health in the same state, in which it was before stress.

In practice, now very few people succeed, because uncertainty remains: the timing of the end of quarantine is not precisely defined, the economic consequences of quarantine are unfavorable, but what they will be for sure, no one knows, etc.

These factors cause confusion, helplessness, anxiety, anxiety in a person

Because of this, the nerves of the majority are now stretched, like strings, to the limit

If you look at all of the above, then presumably everyone should have

compassion for yourself, a desire to take care of yourself and help:

“How can I help myself get through this difficult period? How can I keep myself beloved (beloved) for the future beautiful, albeit still uncertain, life?"

But in life, as the practice of my work shows, it happens differently.

The reality of our upbringing and mentality is such that many in stressful situations intuitively and unconsciously develop

the desire to rely on someone "knowledgeable and wise" and to receive sympathy, care and understanding from him, and to be indignant if this was not given

Many are tirelessly looking for someone to say: "Everything will be fine!" And, preferably, he continued in a low voice: "I guarantee you that."

Of course, it tempts to believe that there is a person who will explain in an accessible way what is really happening, what the consequences will be, how it will affect you and make a plan of salvation or survival in this uncertain, albeit near future. And he will definitely take responsibility for how this will happen.

And for this you just need to find someone suitable, whom you can rely on - The “reference object” is knowledgeable and intelligent.

This is such an early psychological defense against all adversity: "Mom, help me!"

And it is firmly anchored in social life experience.

A child in childhood, when faced with something unknown or difficult and feels confusion and anxiety, runs to his parents for help. At school, when difficulties arise, students rely on the knowledge and experience of the teacher, at the institute - on the teacher, at work - on the decisions of the leader.

Thus, relying on the opinion of another person, you can get rid of the meeting:

• with the experience of confusion, anxiety, anxiety;
• from neuropsychic stress in the process of self-understanding "how to live further";
• from responsibility for the decision.

It is very convenient to use the "reference object" as a guarantee of your own well-being.

Usually in modern families, the role of the “support object” is transferred to the partner without agreement - automatically, unconsciously

In some families, this works excellently - everyone is calm and happy. No problem.

For example, like the author of the FB post:

“Married well. Married quietly.

Yesterday I asked my husband in a dream: “Rum, but this garbage with oil - what does it mean? Is it all for us? Ass to us?"

Answers: “Sleep Musya. We don't give a damn about oil. Do not worry. Sleep”and stroking the head.

I keep up: "Rum, are we going to die from the coronavirus?"

Answers: “Sleep, Musya. We will die from something else. Do not worry. Sleep. And stroking the head.

I fell asleep: "do you swear?"

He falls asleep: "I swear"

And you sleep, and you dream of all sorts of delights.

You are calm, like a tank, because your husband explained everything to you before going to bed, clearly and briefly.

But if our ass is from oil and we die from the coronavirus, then the one who swore the oath is to blame and we will remind him of this at that hour and call for an account.

Married well.

Married quietly.

Responsible for both oil and the consequences of the coronavirus has been found."

If, as in the post, then the reference object correctly performs its function and there are no problems.

And if this does not happen? If the one who was entrusted with the position of the "reference object" is in fact not the reference one?

If the one who is nearby is not so categorical in favorable forecasts that: "Everything will be fine"?

If he (she) himself needs support and care?

If he is just an ordinary person and experiences the same as you - doubts, confusion, anxiety?

What then?

If close people do not show the necessary sympathy, care and understanding, that is, they do not behave the way we would like, naturally, misunderstandings, disagreements, quarrels arise

In such a situation, the stretched string breaks.

Quarrels, scandals, screams …

Is this emotional breakdown helpful?

On the one side, the outburst of aggression allows you to feel lighter for a while, because the energy that has accumulated due to dissatisfaction with the current life spills out. Almost everyone notice that after screaming, it literally becomes easier for them to breathe (if they do not begin to stifle the feeling of guilt).

On the other side, the cause of the stress does not disappear, but on the contrary increases. After all, quarrels and scandals add tension in the family to the external stress from coronavirus and quarantine. This means that the body will experience secondary stress, and more resources for the experience will be required, and exhaustion will come faster.

On the third side, quarrels will destroy family relationships. Aggression will cause counter aggression, the attack will meet resistance. There will be no winner in such a struggle. Everyone will lose, including the children.

Thus, it turns out that in order to reduce the level of neuropsychic stress, it is sometimes enough for a person to throw out aggression on loved ones. If everyone is happy with this option, great.

If relationships with loved ones make more sense than momentary relaxation of the body through a surge of aggression, and a partner is needed not only as a "support object" and "a boy (girl) for whipping," perhaps a request for a change in relationship arises.

Then, in order to save yourself and not kill your partner (not destroy your marriage), you should stop demanding from your partner what he is not currently able to give - support, care, understanding, and try to develop this in yourself

Energy aimed at aggression and claims, destroying health and relationships, to direct for good

Of course, it will be difficult to change the strategy that has been formed over the years on your own, and you may need the help of a specialist. The task is not easy, but improving health and psychological state, family relations, perhaps, will be a good bonus for such work.

In this case, the work will be aimed at:

1. To recognize that due to sudden changes, almost all people are now in a state of neuropsychic stress and are adapting to new life conditions. Quickly adapting to change is good for body and soul, but not as easy as it seems due to your own deficiencies. We'll have to understand and fill them.
2. Understanding that to panic, blame loved ones for all mortal sins or file for divorce is the easiest thing to do in critical situations. The increased divorce rate after quarantine shows that people are too demanding of a partner and spend energy not on strengthening their own autonomy and self-understanding, but on claims to another, which destroys marriages. You go a different way, so old strategies will be replaced by new ones. The divorce is postponed.
3. Develop an understanding that despite feelings of confusion, fear and anxiety, you are an adult and you have your own life experience and your own resources to experience such life changes and crises. Naturally, like no one else, you know yourself better than anyone else in the world, your capabilities and resources, the reactions of the body and psyche to critical situations, you have individual experience of experiencing such stressful situations, you can predict your own behavioral reactions, etc. With a little thought and summarizing all of the above, you can create an action plan: how is it more convenient, profitable, more comfortable for you to experience what is happening. Thus, you can speed up adaptation to new conditions of life, and not be angry with a loved one in vain. Taking care of yourself - your mental and physical well-being, mood, health, living conditions on your own - is the first aid to yourself and to all those around you. My work experience has shown that many health, condition and relationships with other people begin to improve precisely from the moment they realize their own involvement in what is happening.
4. Understand that your spouse is in the same boat with you. Your partner is also not sweet now and he needs care and understanding just like you. One of my clients noticed that it became much easier for her to live with her husband when she felt that her husband was not against her and her problems, did not abandon her to the mercy of fate from unwillingness to help, but was as weak and in need of help as she was.
5. Determine the boundaries of his (her) capabilities and your requests. Some people think that if they are united by marriage, then the other must endlessly realize their dreams. One client thought that the husband must earn a certain amount of money. On closer examination, it turned out that with such an education and position, such salaries do not exist. Our desires and reality are sometimes completely different things, which can be very difficult to distinguish. Therefore, it is very important to develop a connection with what is in reality.
6. Asking the question, “How important is my marriage to me? Do I want to lose what I have in the present? What can I do to make this marriage …”And here, directly from the answer to the previous question - fell apart or strengthened. In my opinion, quarantine should have started with these questions. After all, they determine your desire - do you want to save the marriage? Take action! Do you want to destroy the union? Take action! Self-realization of desires always helps to feel better. …

In fact, everything that is happening now is, of course, happening for the first time.

For the first time, humanity is faced with a new and unexplored test of this kind, the worldwide quarantine. Therefore, it is so difficult for each person to adapt to innovations.

But, nevertheless, everyone reacts to this test, like everything else in this life, in their own way.

Millions of people, millions of reactions and experiences.

And you have the opportunity to find your own way to relive what is happening with the maximum benefit for you.

Because life, whatever one may say, continues.

And this is wonderful.

And a lot depends on us in this life.

Remember this.

And that we live once.

Best wishes)

If your emotional state or your marriage is bursting at the seams and you need the help of a psychologist, contact us, there is always an opportunity to try to live differently. Skype lana.psiheya