About Hope

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

For me, "hope" is not just a word, it is my name. And most of my life I didn’t love him. Because hope was tightly bound up with disappointment, pain, and disillusionment. Hope seemed useless, and in some periods even a harmful feeling that needs to be nipped in the bud. Hope is for weaklings who cowardly don't want to face the harsh brutal reality. I didn’t want to be the one on whom hopes were pinned: to justify other people's expectations is too difficult, not to justify is bad. And from the song that every new acquaintance quoted: "Hope is my earthly compass" - I was just shaking and sick. I didn't want to be someone's compass.

It seems that I was using this word for illusion, disappointment and something else, but not hope.

Here's what Wikipedia says. "Hope is a positively colored emotion associated with the expectation of satisfying a need." And truth is a bright emotion! Associated with the expectation of satisfaction of the need. It was as if there was hopelessness in my expectation, the conviction that everything was in vain and nothing would be satisfied. The wait is in vain. There is only pain and dissatisfaction.

However, all my experience and my actions have been aimed at finding and trying new ways to satisfy my needs over and over again. Break off, bump, get upset, disappointed, in pain, but get up and try again. Someone called it obstinacy, someone purposefulness, someone stupidity, someone naivety. I was just the one who considered it naivety and stupidity, reproached myself for this quality of mine. I looked with admiration at cynical people who were not fascinated, did not wait, did not ask. I wanted to learn the same - not expect anything. It seemed to me - they are happy, because they do not hurt from the fact that hopes are crumbling. As if being happy and not in pain are the same thing.

But this is not the same thing!

To be happy for me is to experience joy, excitement, interest, tenderness, love, pleasure, awe, warmth and their shades. And in all - in all - relationships it has always been to a greater or lesser degree. I understand that now. But there was also the pain that not everything I needed, I could get there. Then this pain and discontent was crossed out, completely devalued everything light that was there. And there was a feeling that nothing had happened, only pain and darkness.

How my hope survived in all this is a mystery to me. Especially when you consider that I suppressed it myself. Nonetheless, she proved to be strong and survived, tempting me over and over to try again.

And either the truth every next time turned out to be more and more bright, or I noticed more and more and took it personally, or all at once, but then the day came when I admitted that thanks to hope I feel happy. It was this feeling that did not allow me to completely give up and go into deep depression. It was it that pulled me out of fantasy into reality and gave me the courage to look at the world and people. It was this that helped to trust others again, despite the experienced deception and betrayal in the past.

Now I am very grateful to my parents for my name, for Nadezhda. Now, from a hopelessness, hope has turned into a support and a source of strength. And I believe that each person has their own special sources of strength that have helped and help him live. Even if it seems that they are not. And these resources can be found, noticed, accepted and learned to use them.