Having Flaws Does Not Mean Being Bad

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"Having flaws does not mean being bad!" (with)

But most of us have an attitude that "I am good if I have no shortcomings" sits inside. I'm good if I give good grades / don't envy / don't lie / treat everyone with kindness … And if I am good, then, automatically, I have the right to live.

And if I do something bad, I will not give up my seat to the girl / pinch the cat's tail (because in this way I will play out my resentment on her, which I could not express to the offender) / I won’t give up the extra hryvnia that was given to me by mistake in the supermarket, etc. etc. - then I automatically become bad. I have done a bad deed, which means that I am bad and no longer have the right to life.

When a parent gives a child standing in front of him a very tough message: we love you only with the good, but we do not love the bad - the child perceives this state of affairs as a threat to his life. The child ceases to feel his safety - after all, if he does something bad, then in this case he “no longer live” because, like him, he simply has no right to do it!

That is, a bundle is formed inside it: “my act = my I”.

And if my act is good, then “I am good”.

And if my act is bad, then "I = become totally bad." After all, parents love good children and give them gifts, but they do not like bad children and give them to Baba Yaga (that is, they reject them and deprive them of their home and safety).

The parent acts out of good intentions, wishing to teach his child the norms of human virtues, but forgets (and, most often, it does not share within himself either) that through the child's actions only some part of his personality / only a part of his integral "I" …

The "I" of any person is huge and diverse. And all of its integrity initially has the right to exist.

Once you were born, then you have the right to live!

And if we want to teach children good and kind, then it is necessary to assess not the personality of the child, but his deed! In the basic attitude of the child, there should be an understanding that everything is in order with him and that he is safe. And that his parents will not turn their backs on him just because he did something bad!

Another thing is that he will be responsible for his act …

And here the question of Guilt and Responsibility is also raised. On what basis do we bring up our children? Shame / guilt / rejection or responsibility and acceptance?

"I love you, but your act is very bad …" or simply: "You are bad!"

Listen to your feelings, as if it were told to you.. What is happening to you?

In the first case, it will be unpleasant for the child to realize that he has done something not very good, but this will not be perceived by the child as a tragedy. Because, when we separate the personality of a living child and his deed, we stop rejecting the child entirely. And the basic setting that he is (in essence) “good” does not change for him, but his act could be different …

In the second case, when we simply assess the child's entire personality, we initially “cut” his I to the very root and constantly question his basic feeling of “I Am!”.

Actually The "I Am" exists outside of our actions and it connects us to the power of life.

"Once I was born, then I Am."

“Since I was born, it means that I have the right to live and be what I am.”

"I carry in me a huge combination of qualities of all human experience and, at the same time, I am a unique and unique person."

It is important for all of us to feel our unshakable "I Am" inside ourselves. Then, in the first place, we will not reject ourselves, and from our accepting attitude towards ourselves, acceptance of the individuality of our child will be born.