2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Dependency is my attitude to another on the basis of fixation, when I get stuck on the other, and I lose myself in this relationship. Descriptive comparisons: "the light came together like a wedge on him", "without him / her in any way", "we are as one whole, two halves", "we are everywhere together," do not spill water "," we went to college, got married."
As a rule, codependency often means relationships between people. But I have also met those who use these words in the context of chemical addiction. This is not entirely true. As my practice shows, this is most often a relationship between two people. Two psychologically immature people. This is a kind of acting out familiar family life scenarios, copying the relationships of significant people.
Sometimes there is a departure in the opposite direction, such is the "escape". For example, "I will not do as a parent (for example, beat the child because they beat me)." And now, the moment comes when you need to make a choice: to consciously create your own, more psychologically “healthy” model of communication with a child, or to “break off” and repeat a familiar one - namely, to use violent methods of influence.
More often than not, people choose to repeat the old one. Because the old model is more familiar, safer, more familiar. And she's predictable. And the new model requires different, new knowledge, skills and abilities. And constant changes, buildings.
So, the "child-parent" relationship is considered to be a "healthy" codependent relationship. Child's age: up to 3 years old. Further, based on the age and psychological needs of the child at this age, there is a process of children's separation (separation) of oneself from the parent. As a separate Man with his "I want and do not want". This is the so-called "three-year crisis".
This stage is painful, both for the parents (mainly for mothers) and for the child. But if a mother has her own childhood experience of correct, “healthy” separation from her mother, then she, mother, calmly and with faith and trust “lets go” of the child to study this world further.
And if not … then the mother's obsession with the child's life occurs. You ask such a mother about her meanings and pleasures in life - she does not remember. Or he says: "I have no time for this, I need to raise a child."
And further, two scenarios. If the child "has a core", then he begins to "show character." These are whims, hysterics, lagging behind and gaining experience of “ours”, individual steps.
Or the option when "there is no rod". Then the whole life of the child is given to his parents, to the one with whom he is merged together. Such children do not understand who they are, what they love, what they want, why and for what purpose they do this and not the other. Making decisions, making choices, saying “no” is difficult for them. Mothers say about such children: “we went to college”, “we got married” or “we got divorced”.
Moms often do this out of love, a desire to protect and save their child. And, as my practice shows, it is more correct when a mother understands her role in these codependent relationships, and … lets her child go.
This is an internal decision that requires a lot of effort and love. For the good of the Life and Happiness of your child. And your parental Happiness.
This topic is one of the most difficult in psychology. And you can write about it a lot and for a long time. I am sure that we will return to it more than once in my articles.
Therefore, I will recommend one, in my opinion, of the most informative and useful books for reading and introspection. This is a book by authors Janey and Barry Winehold, "Liberating Codependency." It contains both theoretical information and practical tasks and steps in the psychological separation of oneself in a codependent relationship.
The next article will be about proximity. Emotional closeness.
See you!
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