Become Courageous: How To Do What You And Not Only You Fear

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Why don't people do what they want to do and what they think is right? Why are they often indecisive and fearful? Can this be changed? Over 25 years of work, one of the world's most renowned experts in the field of human psychology and motivation, Peter Bregman, has come to the conclusion that the reason for this behavior is a lack of emotional courage. What is emotional courage and how can you develop it? Bregman talks about this in his new book Emotional Courage: How to Take Responsibility, Not Be Afraid of Difficult Conversations, and Inspire Others

Think of a time when you knew you had to discuss an unpleasant or difficult topic with someone, but did not dare to start a conversation. Do you remember?

Now think: why did it happen?

You didn't know what to say? I bet they knew exactly what it was. Didn't find the right moment? I think you had plenty of opportunity to raise an awkward question. Couldn't find the words? Yes, it’s not easy. But who said you need perfect words? There would be enough suitable ones.

Why did this conversation never take place?

Because you are scared.

The very thought of this conversation made you sweat, your heart pounded like mad, your adrenaline level jumped. What if the other person starts to snap back or blame you? Or even just silently stare at you and hide his anger behind a mask of benevolence, and then start to plot or spread gossip about you? Or are you afraid of your reaction? What if you lose your temper and do something that you later regret?

It will be unpleasant (to say the least). You will feel what you do not want to feel.

And that's what keeps you from talking. Feelings of discomfort are really what prevents us from acting decisively in life, in relationships, at work, and in society. Discomfort from bringing the case to its logical conclusion. At first glance, it seems that in order to complete the matter, you need the courage to act. And there is. But what is at its core? Courage to feel. Emotional courage. This is what this book will help you develop …

Emotional courage - not a talent that is given to some from birth, and to others not. This is a quality that you can develop in yourself. We all experience emotions deeply. That is why we allow them to stop us. We've learned from experience that some emotions - shame, embarrassment, rejection, and many others - can be painful. So we do our best to isolate ourselves from them, mainly by controlling our behavior, so as not to do what could provoke them. Unfortunately, this strategy is flawed: it severely limits you.

There is good news, too. You had emotional courage when you were younger and you can find it again. It's like going home, really. One important lesson I learned from our leadership development work is that emotional courage is not just an abstract idea, it is a muscle. Like all muscles, it can be strengthened and developed with specific exercises. Every time you complete an unpleasant task that you want to avoid, you pump the muscle of emotional courage, strengthen it, strengthen it. Every time you start a difficult conversation yourself, you develop emotional courage. When you take risks, make decisions, influence others, you train her. Even such a simple act as listening to the opposite point of view or criticism, without going into a dull defense - in general, just listening to the interlocutor - increases your emotional courage.

With enough practice, emotional courage will soon become second nature to you. Something will still scare you, but you will get rid of many of your fears and doubts. And most importantly, you will have the courage not to hide from the emotions that you will have to experience in order to move forward.

For 25 years of work, while I was teaching leaders, I have deduced a pattern.

Four elements of behavior that predictably lead people to achieve goals that are important to them

• You need to be confident in yourself.

You need to be connected with others.

You need to have a global goal.

You need to act with emotional courage.

Most of us do well with one of these four qualities. But in order to inspire others, all four elements are needed at the same time.

If you are confident but not connected to others, everything will revolve around you, and this will alienate people from you. If you are connected with others, but lack confidence in yourself, then you will betray your needs and desires to please others. If you do not have a global goal that is greater than you and those around you, you will lose the respect of others. After all, there will be no sense in your actions, and you will not influence the main thing in any way. Finally, if you do not show determination, perseverance, courage - in a word, emotional courage - your ideas will remain only in your head, and your goals will be ethereal fantasies …

Be yourself

One day my friends Eric and Adam and I went on a bike ride. I must say, they are much more experienced mountain bikers than me, and the terrain that we chose was clearly not for my level. I hoped I could handle it.

I was wrong.

A dangerous fall awaited me: I fell into a ravine, rolled over several times and put my head (wearing a helmet) on a tree trunk. It ended up with an emergency room for me. However, before that I pedaled for another hour.

In the end, everything worked out, but continuing the route after the fall turned out to be a bad idea. I was not only traumatized, but literally shackled by fear, so I fell several more times.

Why didn't I stop? I would like to say that I have shown steadfastness and courage, but, unfortunately, this is far from the truth. In fact, everything is simple: I was driving only because Eric and Adam were driving.

Of course, you can come up with a lot of rational explanations: for example, I did not want to ruin everyone's walk, or be a weakling who could not cope with falls, or give up what I started halfway. But what is the real reason? Eric and Adam just kept driving.

You know, I'm not the only one. Studies have shown that even adults tend to adjust to those around them. If your colleagues often take sick leave, you will start doing that too. If they are in perpetual chaos and disorder, you too will become less organized.

In fact, there is nothing wrong with that. Until a certain point.

Take, for example, the "diesel scandal" around the Volkswagen carmaker. It turned out that the turbodiesel engines, which were installed on machines of certain brands of this manufacturer, had special software that underestimated the emission of harmful substances. The company defrauded millions of buyers.

When Michael Horn, head of the Volkswagen Group of America, responded to the US Congress, he stated that he believed the responsibility lay with “a few engineers”.

Seriously? Just a few? At the time of the scandal, the number of employees of the auto concern was 583,000 people. There is no doubt that more than two people knew about such a large-scale deception. Why didn't anyone say anything?

One reason may be that aggressive goal setting and pressure to achieve them can lead to deception and misapplication of effort (to avoid punishment in case of failure). It is known that the corporate culture of Volkswagen is rigidly aimed at achieving results.

But 7 years and 11 million cars later, someone could probably say something. No, deathly silence. Because talking when everyone around is silent is very, very difficult.

But this is exactly what we must do if we do not want to find ourselves in the web of conformity. To oppose oneself to the crowd, one needs faith in one's own strength, a willingness to go against the flow. It also helps to build self-confidence. Every time we make a conscious choice to be ourselves, to be different from others, we pump it. The big question (for you and me) is how to resist conformism and courageously stand up for what you think is right? How can we implement the values that help us earn the trust of others? How to stay true to yourself under pressure to agree with the majority?

The first step is to have a clear system of values and adhere to them. What do you believe in? How strongly will you stand up for your values? Are you ready to be vulnerable? Find yourself in an awkward position? Lose the location of others? What about work? People who are true to their convictions and therefore trustworthy answer “yes” to all of these questions.

The next step is to objectively assess the real picture of what is happening.

Finally, you must have the courage to act when something goes against your value system. To object. Oppose if necessary. At the same time, it is respectful and accurate, so as not only to defend your position, but also, if possible, maintain relations with opponents.

The last step - the courage to act - is the hardest step. He may demand that we go against established norms. And since we grew up with them since childhood, it is very difficult to oppose them. It takes practice. Practice small steps. Maintain order in the workplace when colleagues live in chaos. Work every day when everyone else takes sick leave. Express your opinion when it differs from the generally accepted one. Not eating dessert or drinking alcohol when everyone else is doing it. Make your choice without being guided by the opinion of the majority.

In these moments, slow down enough to feel how this action affects you. In order not to avoid negative emotions, you need to realize that you are able to cope with them. This gives you the freedom to act in accordance with your values.

Assuming that more than a few people knew about the fraud at Volkswagen, they failed to complete one of the steps listed. Or truth and honesty in business were not values for them. Or they decided to close their eyes to reality. Or they didn't have the courage to say something.

I know this is very difficult. They could lose friends and jobs. They would let some colleagues down in order to maintain the trust of others and customers. They would defend their position alone. It's hard to decide on such a thing.

I know. I, traumatized, rode my bike an hour longer than I should, and fell constantly because I did not have the courage to tell my friends - good understanding people - that this was my limit. I guess I needed to work on my self-confidence …

Find a fulcrum

It was one of those days - and you probably do this too - when you feel like a passenger in a shaking subway car and struggle to hold on to the handrail. At every turn I lost my balance and almost fell off my feet.

I gave a presentation, after which the audience gave a standing ovation, and left the stage feeling on top of the world. Then I read someone's angry letter and got angry myself. After that, I gave an interview on the radio and seemed to be filled with energy. A little later, I was told that I talked too much during the meeting, and I got angry with myself.

With each new event, I was emotionally rocked. My perception of myself was nothing more than a reflection of my last interactions with those around me. I had no control over anything, but rather a victim of circumstances.

It’s not very pleasant to admit it, but in the past I had a system that helped me to maintain self-confidence and feel comfortable in difficult times: I praised myself for everything good, and blamed others for everything bad. Great presentation? Of course, I'm great! Did I talk too much in the meeting? Anyone who thinks so clearly has a grudge against me. The problem with this approach, of course, is that it requires a level of denial that is difficult to maintain for a person with even a grain of honesty and awareness. In the end, reality breaks through self-deception.

No, I needed a more solid foundation on which to build a building of self-confidence, an alternative to simply reacting to external stimuli.

And then one day, during meditation, I found a fulcrum.

As I watched my breathing, I noticed something that I had not paid attention to before. And that was a turning point for me.

What have I noticed? Myself.

I do not mean the person who sat and breathed. And the one who watched the breath. It's hard to put into words, but try to understand.

Your essence does not change because the circumstances around you change. You remain the same person after being complimented and after you have been criticized. You may experience different emotions in each of these situations, but it doesn't make you different.

Until you find this solid foundation in yourself, you will forever lose your balance and rush from one extreme to another. You will begin to change your point of view at the hint of resistance. Revel in your magnificence when you hear praise, and feel worthless when you receive criticism. And you will make bad decisions just to avoid worry.

Establishing an inner connection with oneself is the key to maintaining integrity, self-control, peace of mind, clarity of mind, even in the face of changing external circumstances and pressure.

How to find yourself and your inner fulcrum?

One of the gifts of meditation is that it reveals the inner essence of a person. It turns out that finding yourself is surprisingly easy: you are what is always there, always watching.

You don't have to take my word for it. Check it out. Right now. Sit comfortably, close your eyes, start breathing. Watch how the air enters and leaves your body, do not think about anything, watch your breath.

Pretty soon you will notice that your brain is thinking about something. He may be wondering what you are doing or what it is like. Perhaps he is trying to solve some problem. Or just remembered something you forgot long ago.

Who notices all these thoughts? You. Your inner being. You have noticed the "thinking" process.

Descartes said: "I think, therefore I am." Not certainly in that way. It would be more accurate to say: "I observe my process of thinking, therefore, I exist."

You are not your thoughts. You are the person watching the thinking process. There is a difference between experiencing your feelings and being them - and this is extremely important. When you realize that you are angry, you are in control of what you do next. When you dissolve in anger, you lose control …

Even if you fail, you can allow the part of yourself that has remained unchanged to observe what it feels like to have failed. And when you realize that your essence, the inner “I”, is still unchanged, you will rise and try again.

The same is true for success. If you have a strong connection with your inner self, it will not affect you in any way. It will evoke pleasant emotions, but you will not define yourself through it. Your self-confidence will not depend on it.

What is the best way to develop and maintain a connection with your inner self? For me personally, the most reliable way is meditation. Moreover, for this it is not at all necessary to settle in a pose on the floor. A few deep breaths in and out are enough to “turn on” the inner observer. The more you practice, the better you get.

Yesterday I was riding in a shaking subway car and decided to play a game that I often played as a teenager. I got up more comfortably to maintain my balance and let go of the handrail. Surfing in a subway car. The car was lurching in one direction or the other. I sensed these changes and shifted my center of gravity accordingly to keep my balance. I stood up straight and steady and watched how I felt at that moment.

Realizing who you really are allows you to remain stable in the face of external influences - success or failure, praise or criticism.

Being interested in what you are feeling and being able to learn from it help you deepen your understanding of yourself and build confidence.

It's Not Achievement: Stop Worrying About Your Importance

For many years - in fact for as long as he can remember - Shane was the owner and manager of a successful pub in his hometown in Ireland. The whole city knew him. He had many friends, many of them came to him for a snack and a glass. Shane was happy.

At some point, he decided to sell the establishment. He had enough savings to spend the rest of his life comfortably enjoying peace.

There was only one problem: almost immediately after the sale of the pub, Shane fell into a depression. It's been 15 years now, but little has changed.

I have seen similar stories many times. Head of an investment bank. Famous French singer. Founder and President of a grocery chain. An influential official. These are not abstract stories - these are people I know (or knew) well.

They all have one thing in common: they were very busy and very successful. They had enough money to provide themselves with a more than comfortable life for the rest of their days. And everyone developed severe depression with age.

What's the matter?

The traditional answer is that a person needs meaning in life, and when he stops working, he loses it. However, according to my observations, many find themselves in a similar situation, continuing to work. The French singer continued his solo career. An investment banker ran the fund.

Perhaps age? But we all know people who are happy even at 90 years old. And many who find themselves in such a situation are not too old.

I think the problem is much simpler, and the solution is more rational than continuing to work or staying always young.

People who have achieved financial well-being and high social status are effectively engaged in what makes them significant to others. Their decisions affect those around them. Their recommendations fall on fertile ground.

In most cases, their self-perception, self-esteem and self-confidence are built on the fact that their actions, words - and sometimes even thoughts and feelings - are important to others.

Take Shane, for example. When he changed the menu or the opening hours of the establishment, hired new staff, it directly affected the lives of people in his city. Even his friendships were most often based on who he was as a pub owner. Business made him significant to society. Significance, as long as it can be maintained, brings a person satisfaction at all levels. And when does a person lose it? This is sometimes very painful.

True self-confidence appears when a person assimilates the exact opposite of what he strives for all his life. When he learns to be insignificant.

It's not just about retirement. Many have an unhealthy need: to be meaningful to others. It is she who makes you go out of your way, reacting to any request or call with the speed of calculation, rushing to a fire of the highest category of complexity. For many of us, self-confidence and self-esteem depend on how much others need us.

Much more important is how a person adjusts - working or retired - to the fact that they don't really matter.

If a person loses his job, he needs to adapt to the lack of self-worth and not get depressed until he finds a new place. If a leader seeks to grow his team and business, he will have to step back and allow others to feel their worth in order to prove themselves. At some stage in life, each of us begins to matter less. The question is whether you can accept it.

How do you feel when interacting with others? Are you able to listen to the story of someone else's problems without trying to solve them? Can you enjoy communication if it does not have a specific goal?

Many (though not all) can happily spend a few days knowing that their cause is irrelevant to the world. Are they able to live like this for a year? And ten years?

This "lack of demand" has a positive aspect - freedom

When your goal is undergoing such a shift, you are free to do whatever you want. You can take risks. Show insolence. Express ideas that may not be popular. Live as you think is right. In other words, when you stop worrying about the impact your actions have, you can be yourself.

Lack of relevance shouldn't affect your self-esteem. More precisely, it should increase it. You have space for inner fulfillment, you no longer have to rely on external factors.

What does it mean to feel comfortable without feeling worthy, even in such extreme cases as at the end of a career? For example, doing something for the sake of the process. Enjoy it, not the result; from the experience gained, not from the impact.

Here are some keys to how to live consciously without your own worth right now. Check your email only on your computer and only a few times a day. Resist the temptation to drop in right after waking up and whenever you get the chance.

When meeting new people, don't tell them what you are doing. Pay attention to how often you were tempted to demonstrate your importance (tell what you did the other day, where you went, how loaded). Pay attention to the difference between communication for the sake of communication and for the sake of demonstrating what kind of important person you are.

When problems are shared with you, listen without trying to solve them (if this is your subordinate, this will help him to act more independently).

- Sit on a park bench and do nothing for at least a minute (later you can increase this time to five or ten minutes).

- Talk to a stranger (I spoke with a taxi driver today) without a specific purpose. Enjoy the communication process.

- Create something pretty, but don't show it to anyone. Find something beautiful that you have nothing to do with creating.