2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
"You are dear to me, so I will agree with any decision you make." A very common idea that often goes sideways to those who try to follow it.
It is based on the idea of a "real relationship" that must pass any test. If necessary, even give up yourself for the sake of another.
Black and white thinking, where halftones are not visible, contexts are not taken into account, differences are frightening. Where are you either for me or against me. Either everything or nothing.
And then, in order to stay in a relationship, I will "merge" with your views, giving up the part of me that does not agree.
Accordingly, you must also do this, otherwise "I am not dear to you."
You must be my sacrificial "mother", about whom I will calm down, who will support me in everything. I will place a part of my “I” in you, and if you move away in disagreement, I lose myself. You are the screen for my projections, which should always give out the picture of acceptance.
And this is the paradox.
On the other hand, such sacrifice will not be appreciated as much as we would like.
Because the other will feel the burden of obligation, the need to meet expectations, to abandon himself for the sake of other people's views. To accumulate anger, irritation, fatigue, consciously or unconsciously creating the ground for conflicts and the release of accumulated emotions.
It is impossible to feel your individuality in merging. It is impossible to feel in a relationship if there is no place in it for all our experiences. It’s impossible to feel valuable in a relationship if we don’t have the right to say no to it.
"I cannot fulfill what you ask, but that does not negate all the good we have."
Once I heard these words from a very significant person for me. In a few minutes I lived through a huge palette of feelings: resentment, anger, fear, disappointment, loneliness. I told him about this and felt how the above feelings were replaced by a feeling of value, importance, gratitude. Feeling the fragility of the relationship and how much it means to me. Much more than what I don't get from a person right now.
I felt that such honesty with each other did not alienate us. One episode cannot cross out the entire history of relationships, one “no” does not cancel the many “yes” said to each other earlier. And those that are still possible in the future, if you do not run away from contact, do not close in grievances and disappointments due to refusal, but share your experiences.
And, yes, it so happens that I remain a dear person for another, but at the same time he does not agree with my opinion. He thinks differently.
The other day, with a colleague, we were thinking about what words are missing in the Perlsian prayer, taking into account the recognition that we were not born to meet other people's expectations. We came to the conclusion that it could be the words "how can we stay together, given our difference."
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