The Child Of Your Dreams. What They Fertilized And Grew The Story Of One Consultation

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Problems with study - the first place in the rating of requests from parents!

This is the first and often the only thing that worries the parent - "does not want to study", "he is not interested in anything", "no responsibility!"

Question: "What result do you want from your work?"

- answer:

A) that HE would be responsible

B) to study well and independently

C) he was obedient, fulfilled requests and requirements, such as: he cleaned his room, cleaned his things, did exceptionally useful things, understood at a glance what was required of him and demonstrated rare humility and hard work

D) was interested in books, history, science, wanted to go to museums, theaters and, in general, showed an irresistible craving for spiritual development

E) had long-term goals in life - in particular, had an idea how and where he would earn money, preferably not by physical labor.

Research questions:

- What was the contribution of parents at the stage of development of a child under 14-15 years old (at the time of the application) in the formation of skills of independence, responsibility, motivation for achievement, and learning in particular?

- an environment for the development of the desired qualities in a child: emotional closeness in the family, satisfaction of the child's basic needs (safety, intimacy, love, acceptance, respect, recognition, autonomy, etc.)

- what example of the desired behavior the parents demonstrate.

Conclusion:

-Parenting style: overprotective, overcontrol.

- Most of what the child could do by age - a) the parents did for him, b) continue to control the results of any activity (and, therefore, the responsibility in fact on them.

Lyrical digression: what are we actually talking about?

Independence is the ability to set goals and objectives for oneself, and to achieve them.

The two main aspects of independence are the freedom of one's own choice and the ability to pay for this one's freedom, i.e. foresee the results of their activities and be responsible for them.

An independent person controls himself, not someone outside.

Responsibility is a strong-willed personal quality, manifested in the exercise of control over human activities, an internal form of self-regulation.

Responsibility is the ability to realize that the quality of life, the level of success and self-realization of a person depend only ON HIM!

Responsibility is a willingness to keep all your promises and fulfill all your responsibilities in the best possible way.

Responsibility is an understanding of the consequences that can entail decisions or actions of the person himself.

Responsibility is not only a self-regulator of an individual's activity, but also an indicator of the social and moral maturity of an individual. Responsibility is the flip side of personal freedom. One cannot exist without the other.

Responsibility benefits

Responsibility gives confidence - in yourself and your strengths.

Responsibility gives respect - both self-respect and respect from others.

Responsibility provides opportunities for self-control and control over the external situation.

And it doesn't come from anywhere! It is purchased! It is passed on by the parents to the child gradually, together with independence. And, that's a skill!

Scheme of the formation of skills of independence (from 1, 5 years old !!!):

Step 1. we do it for the child, showing HOW

Step 2. We do it together with the child, guiding and correcting

Step 3. the child does it on his own, we control the result, we insure

Step 4. The child does it on his own, DO NOT CONTROL, transferring responsibility for the result to the child.

Let's get back to the conclusions:

The child's choices in a particular sphere of life and everyday life are poorly taken into account, often ignored or depreciated (friends, pastime, interests, etc.)

There is a system of punishments when the reward system is insufficient, to negative behavior, failure - the emotional reaction is stronger than to achievements (we punish the bad, we do not praise the good - we ignore or devalue).

Comparison of the child with other (more successful) children, with oneself at this age. The discrepancy between the high expectations of the parents and the low level of the child's aspirations and capabilities.

Parents have higher education, stable work, while they do not demonstrate satisfaction from life, work - life events related to social and domestic disorder are often discussed and negatively painted in the family, dissatisfaction with work and activities is expressed.

Result:

As a result of overprotection and control - the lack of skills of independence, voluntary behavior and responsibility of the child for the results of their activities. The formation of voluntary behavior is one of the prerequisites for successful learning activities.

Because small achievements of the child are not taken into account, ignored and depreciated ("Just think, four! Could write for five !!!!" the child's failures are emotionally accentuated - in the motivational sphere, the child has formed not a motive for achieving success, but a motive for avoiding failure, and, as a consequence, passivity, rigidity, which directly leads to low learning motivation.

For parents, getting a higher education as a child is an end in itself, and, in their opinion, is the key to a successful (in all respects) future. At the same time, the family does not demonstrate positive and constructive examples of its (education) successful application in life and work. From communication with parents it is clear that the concept of "higher education" is reduced by them to the concept of "obtaining a diploma, crusts." The child does not understand the value of education and does not see the relationship between success in life and education: “Right now, it doesn't matter at all!”, “And what? Well, do they have an education, what did it give?"

As a result of the fact that the child does not receive the proper degree of acceptance (with all the disadvantages and advantages), as well as a positive reflection of himself (you are good, the most beloved, no matter what, you are capable, etc.), he is not emphasized individual characteristics and abilities - the child has not formed a positive self-concept, an image of himself as good and successful. Self-esteem is underestimated, there is no faith in oneself, one's abilities, understanding of one's uniqueness.

A consultation with the teenager himself revealed the following:

The child has an unmet need for acceptance, respect for personal boundaries, parents do not respect the child's space, do not support his autonomy, do not demonstrate confidence in his undertakings, do not show respect for his interests and preferences. Lacks attention, feels lonely, does not feel accepted by parents. There is a feeling of "badness", a feeling of guilt for not justifying the expectations of the parents. Because desires and needs are not satisfied, uses the mechanism of rejection of them ("yes, I don't need anything," "I don't know what I want").

So … I want to remind you that the main request of the parents sounded "how to make him learn?" with studies, then, in general, lie in the plane of disturbed parent-child relations. And the child needs to train not 2x2 = 4, but faith in himself, re-learn to “hear” his needs, learn to defend his boundaries, which are so necessary for successful communication and implementation in society … In general, now there is a lot of what he needs!

And parents love their child - no doubt about it! And they are worried about him! And they want to be happy! And their family is no different from most of the others! And it is characterized as socially successful … Just do not know what they are doing! Unconsciously! Out of ignorance, lack of experience and other examples.

So, educational motivation and success in school, in this difficult period for everyone, is far from the only thing that parents should pay attention to. It is imperative to know and consider the main tasks of adolescent development during this periodand help develop these qualities!

And this:

• formation of a new level of thinking - to help develop the ability to see and hear more, on a larger scale, to show an alternative and true picture of the world (the world is multifaceted and multicolored)

• the formation of interest in another person as a person - show by personal example, show respect for the teenager, be sincerely interested in him, highlight and reflect his individual characteristics and abilities. Talk about yourself, reveal your inner world.

• development of interest in oneself, the desire to understand one's abilities, actions, the formation of primary skills of introspection - to bring the teenager closer to understanding himself, his needs.

• development and strengthening of a sense of adulthood, the formation of adequate forms of asserting independence, personal autonomy - trust the teenager, respect his desire for autonomy, give maximum support in the formation of his independence, respect his personal boundaries.

• development of self-esteem, internal criteria for self-esteem - not to criticize his personality, but to evaluate his actions, not to humiliate him, not to compare with others.

• development of forms and skills of personal communication in a peer group, ways of mutual understanding - to be interested in his social circle, to guide, share experience, not to criticize his friends, not to devalue any form of his interaction with peers.

• development of moral qualities, forms of sympathy and empathy for other people - show by personal example, communicate, discuss.

Dear Parents! Children and adolescents! Pay attention to your child! If AT LEAST PART of what was said in this article reminded you - you, if you really and sincerely want a happy child - do not delay, contact a specialist! And there will still be time and opportunity - to have time to fix something