2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
According to psychoanalytic theory, a person irritates, as well as causes other emotional states, due to the work of the projection mechanism, when we endow him with qualities inherent in ourselves, but which we do not accept or deny, or with our conjectures, fantasies about how this person should to be or what it is.
Where does the speculation come from? Why did we endow exactly these qualities with this particular subject?
Because it is this representation that we need for something at the moment, it is designed to protect our I.
For example, if a person is jealous of another, then the other begins to annoy him.
The one who evokes negative emotions is attributed to the properties due to which the envious person convinces himself that the other does not possess any outstanding abilities, that he is by definition worse, or not better.
In fact, the envious person, comparing himself with the object of envy, thinks of himself that he does not possess any outstanding abilities. But in order not to devalue himself, he chooses to devalue others. There is such an inversion.
Or, a person may have sexual, love feelings for another, but consider them dangerous, or the other may not reciprocate. As a consequence, he replaces the feeling with the "+" sign with the feeling with the "-" sign.
Another person may remind us of someone from our past or present with whom we did not have a good relationship, so our projective mechanism endows the other with the qualities of this acquaintance in order to play a certain scenario with him or complete a gestalt.
For example, in the past, a person hurt us, and today the one onto whom we projected his image is called upon to suffer for our past grievances, even if in reality they have nothing to do with them.
A person can irritate us also because we see in him qualities that we despise or forbid ourselves: weakness, spontaneity, sexuality …
A person can also be annoying because they violate our boundaries or create cognitive dissonance. But this behavior is not easy to identify immediately, without sufficient experience.
From the client's story:
“For a long time I could not understand why my mother-in-law infuriates me so wildly, because she treats me well. My husband is like her, so at times he also irritates me.
But everything fell into place when I remembered the moment of my mother-in-law's two-faced behavior - then my husband and I were still living with his parents.
My mother-in-law's husband, my father-in-law is a typical healthy lifestyle, he always demands from his wife that she cook him soup only from carefully filtered water. With him, she poured filtered water into the pan, and not with him - from the tap.
Often the mother-in-law behaved passively-aggressively - in full view of her husband she did one thing, and behind his back - the exact opposite.
In their family, she had to give in in many ways, to listen to insults. The mother-in-law always showed obedience and did not dare to object.
The expression of a victim was constantly on her face: look how much undeserved injustice I endure with courage …
I noticed the same behavior with my husband. Now, when he unquestioningly pleases me, I think what I will have to pay in the end, and the most unpleasant thing is that I may never know about it."
A person can annoy us because we had / have expectations associated with him that were not met.
How to deal with irritation?
1. Calm down. In a state of passion, it is extremely difficult to think carefully. You can calm down by using different relaxation techniques.
2. Explore the nature of your beliefs, identify the source of negativity. To do this, you will need to reflect well.
3. Reveal your beliefs about the person (he does not love me, uses, etc.).
4. Ask yourself the question: to what extent do my thoughts about a person correspond to reality, what facts from life confirm what I think about him?
5. If there are facts, turn them into a problem and outline solutions. The problem should turn into a task.
6. In the case of confirmation of the irrationality of thoughts, it is necessary to recognize the fact that you yourself are responsible for your irritation, that it was not the other who caused the irritation, but you with your thoughts about what is happening.
If the problem cannot be turned into a task, you need to come to terms with its existence and forget, at least until better times.
It happens that it is very difficult to deal with your feelings on your own. Even when contacting a psychologist, more than one consultation may be required.
Turning to a psychologist, you will be able to master the techniques of self-help and getting out of the negativity funnel in a few meetings.
Balanced everyday life!
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