Plagued By Jealousy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Everyone is familiar with jealousy to varying degrees. But it happens that it takes over and becomes the main experience. Then she spoils the relationship. If you want specific instructions on how to cope with such jealousy, then you can skip this article. In general, psychology has a different scale of tasks. You can cope with the situation or sort out the internal conflict. But if you always find yourself in the same stories or an internal conflict always, then recommendations will not help. They are given in the language of reason, but badly in the language of feelings, it feels like just bad. In most cases, a person knows where the exit is and even knows what to do, but fails.

Here, with jealousy, something like that. The partner does not seem to give a reason, but at heart it is anxious. To justify your anxiety, you can think of a reason. In this sense, a jealous person has a very rich imagination. Well, if there is a reason, then it just covers. Checking the phone and social networks, frequent calls with the question: where are you and what you are doing and the state is on pins and needles. There is no presumption of innocence. Loyalty must be proven. This endless emotional drive is exhausting. And reasonable recommendations are useless, because he has long understood the meaninglessness of his paranoia. And when they tell him something like, guys, let's live together, he immediately asks, but how? They say to him: you need to trust, and he asks how? They tell him: do not be afraid, he will not go anywhere, and the prospect of loneliness terrifies. They say to him: you need to love yourself, look how wonderful you are, and he looks in the mirror, and except for obscene words, nothing comes to mind. And really, how? In general, the head is not friendly with feelings, and in order to cope with this, you will have to slightly rebuild the system of their interaction. Find a common language that is understandable for both entities, so that you get a team that will provide their owner with a happy life.

If there are no recommendations, then what is it about? Let's look at an example of jealousy, how to translate thoughts about cheating into the language of feelings, and then what to do about it. Jealousy is not really about love. Love does not live without trust, which means that a jealous person is not sure of his value for a partner. There is fear behind this: it is dangerous for me, I am afraid to be rejected, then I may perish. Fear does not regulate its intensity well, if it has already appeared, then it tries to the fullest until you do something to reduce it. You can reduce it by control, well, and then you know. It turns out that a person does not listen to what fear tells him, but tries to fight it. And fear returns him to the position of the rejected child, who does not feel safe, and the partner - in the role of a bad mother. He, fear, appeared when rejection and survival were at the same level, because a child cannot leave his mother, but an adult can, and he will survive, and maybe he will be much happier than now. In the language of feelings: bad, because I'm afraid of rejection, you need to deal with fear from the past. But this is incomprehensible, and he acts rationally, checking the phone. He finds something, but doesn't know what's next. The fight against windmills begins.

Jealousy occurs when there is no emotional contact. I wrote about him in the articles “Why I am alone. Main”and“Cocoon”. She puts in the position of the victim, in an unequal position, in which true love is uncomfortable. Love is when on an equal footing in a personal sense. This is an adult dialogue. Jealousy arises there, de once there was not enough care, which forms its own value. In the language of feelings, this is: I want to get security and warmth. It is good if the partner understands the message and is ready to fill this deficit. Then the offended child gradually calms down. But, you cannot stay in this state all the time from childhood. No one, even the most caring partner, can withstand your endless unmet need.

We hang in unpleasant states, the consciousness narrows, and there is no way out. It's simple - listen to your feelings, don't fight them. In other words, you need to learn to accept yourself as different, lazy, jealous and disassembled, and not just vigorous and active. In each of the states there is something that suggests something that is important to you. Control does not solve the problem of jealousy and fear, I wrote about this in the article "The illusion of control or control without illusions." You cannot run away from yourself, this is about the fact that without accepting yourself in one form or another, you cannot hide from the feelings that arise in this case, they will still cut and cause.

And more about jealousy. This is a very useful feeling, do not hesitate, however, like all others. It helps you understand your boundaries if you have forgotten about them. Realizing how your partner perceives you, other people, what you have in life, whether it is valuable for you, what I can, helps to understand yourself better and build relationships correctly. If you do not listen to it in time, but try to weaken it by control, or simply brush it off, "taking out the brain" to a friend or girlfriend, it begins to torment: "Hear me, you are doing something wrong." This is very unpleasant, and I want to get rid of it. Getting rid of feelings is about the same as not looking at the instruments of an airplane in flight.

Perhaps, I will still allow myself one recommendation. Tell all about your jealousy to the one you are jealous of. How you wake up at night, how you think about it every minute, how afraid that he will leave you, how you try to surf the networks and your phone, how you shake when he is late at work … whatever you think and feel. This should be done without making a complaint or finding out whether it was or not, but only about yourself, through the "I" messages, very frankly. It will work - very good, you are on your way to solving the problem. If my tongue doesn’t turn, I cannot do this right away, he will not understand, let him first tell, once it happened …? Then come, the scale of the task is different.