2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I hope you don’t need it. But in the form of instructions, I described what to do if the child's mother died. The recommendations will be similar if a close relative, an important person has died. Where there was a significant connection, in a word.
The first thing I want to say is, of course, there are universal recipes. But a lot depends on the context. Who died: a parent? Both parents (also, unfortunately, it happens)? Who are you to a child: an adult who will not be particularly affected by the loss? Or have you lost your spouse / your mom-dad / important person? To what extent will the loss change the child's way of life? Will you be a resourceful adult in this situation, or will you personally need significant support? In any case, remember the golden rule of safety on board an aircraft: in case of depressurization, an adult first puts on an oxygen mask on himself, and only then on a child. There is no other way.
The most popular question is: at what age can you report that a person has died? I think as soon as you consider it possible to tell the child something. Do you comment on a baby under one year old that you are cooking soup or it snowed? At this moment you do not always think about whether he understands you. You inform him and help assimilate the experience. Yes, there are events that are excessive for a child's perception. But if they determine his life, the child has the right to know. In an accessible form, leaving out some details. But - to know.
So:
1. The most important thing is to tell. And as quickly as possible. As soon as you are ready, immediately and tell. If difficulties arise readily, seek support. It is important to understand that you should not postpone the news. There have been cases when the mother has already died for several weeks, and the child continues to believe that she is in the hospital / on a business trip / left to visit relatives. Continuing to hide the truth, you not only hopelessly in vain, but also add another difficulty - apart from the situation of loss, you will have to deal with anger about deception, experience that you cannot believe. Children perceive such things as betrayal. The child has the right to know the truth. When you inform a child, it is not even important what you communicate, but how and with what facial expression. If your face expresses horror or does not express anything, it is worse than when you are sad or even crying. When you smile or try to "get positive" it is strange, does not inspire confidence and, rather, dooms you to loneliness.
2. It is necessary to explain what this means. If you believe or know for certain that death is not the end, that there will still be life after death, then I am not sure. The purpose of my post is not to breed holivar topics or hurt the feelings of believers. The essence of the message is as follows: death is a certain finiteness. Let's agree that this is the finitude of earthly life in any case. And it is important to convey this very thought to the child. That mom won't come, that you don't have to try to behave yourself, go on a trip around the world to find her (I remember the cutest cartoon "Mom for a Mammoth") or that another mom will appear. The feeling of warmth, care, the opportunity to find a caring and giving adult - this is all important and will be discussed below. Nevertheless, there are cases when people have been waiting for a magical return for years. They do not forgive, do not recognize finitude, and do not build new relationships. And they expect something that (if we rely on reality, not fantasy) will never happen. And, perhaps, I will not explain why, in my opinion, it is not worth telling the child that God took his mother?
3. It is important to additionally emphasize that the child is not guilty of anything. His behavior, grades at school, pranks and any other manifestations have nothing to do with the death of a parent. Children tend to close causal relationships on themselves. It is useful in principle (and not only in a situation of grief) to convey to the child the idea that he is not in the world to serve the emotional state of other people or to be the cause of troubles.
4. Concerning the funeral. There is no "right approach" at what age a child can be taken to a funeral. The best thing is to tell what will happen at the funeral (a coffin, a dead person, people who are crying, perhaps a funeral service, a cemetery, explain about traditions), ask the child if he wants to attend or not. And treat his answer with respect. It is important that at the ceremony itself a stable person in the most stable emotional state was assigned to the child. In addition, I emphasize that it is important to warn the child that people at the funeral may cry and wail loudly, but this is normal. In general, a child can receive trauma not so much from the death of a loved one as from the reaction of others. This does not mean that you cannot go to the funeral. You need to go to the funeral understanding what is there. There is no need to force kissing a dead person or, on the contrary, interfere if the child wants to do it. No need to be dragged away from the body. It takes time to say goodbye. Make sure that the child has it. It is not worth, having excluded children, privatize the right to grief.
What then
5. The child will not be happy, he will cry. "Abnormal behavior in an abnormal situation is normal." On the topic of the death of a loved one, you need to talk as much as necessary and not make a taboo out of it. Let's admit that the phrase: "don't cry, it hurts for mom to see your tears" or "she would not want us to cry" - this is because you cannot bear the child's tears, it hurts you, you are very worried about his condition and want to "stop" as soon as possible, and the child's sadness revives your tears. In general, one does not die of tears. In extreme cases, a person can cry for about three hours in a row and fall asleep exhausted. Rather, they die from stopped experiences. Another point: a child remains a child. And an adult mourning with the appropriate attributes: hung mirrors, a ban on watching cartoons, singing, laughing (if the child wanted to), celebrating a birthday - does not help to cope with grief. Ask the child: what he wants, trust him, follow him as much as possible. Suppressing tears is just as unhelpful as grieving as prescribed.
6. Clarity - Supports. It is important to discuss how the child's life will change, with whom he will live, who will take care of him. When these questions hang in the air, there is a huge space for children's anxiety. It is clear that it is impossible to return my mother, but to receive warmth and care, to be hugged or to see joy in the eyes of another just from the fact that I appear is the most important need. Tell your child who will be such a "fairy godmother" or fairy for him, or maybe you will be a whole organization ?! Just don’t promise what you don’t do. It's better to honestly say that you need time to think and you will definitely come back to this conversation.
7. They also often ask: when to contact a child psychologist and is it necessary in principle? If you think about the help of a specialist - let's check who really needs it? Taking the child to a psychologist is not a problem, but this is the kind of support that relatives can provide, and not a specially trained aunt (I believe that receiving support from loved ones in such circumstances is preferable). To a psychologist, in my opinion, you need to lead a child in two cases:
* If adults are unable to help him by legalizing the topic (you can talk about the loss, this is not a "figure of silence" or "a skeleton in the closet") and sharing grief (this means: remembering mom, crying together, answering questions, emotionally warming a friend) friend)
* If neurosis-like symptoms have appeared: enuresis, somatics, nightmares or other sleep disorders, nervous tics, automatisms, etc.
8. The child is experiencing a crisis of confidence. And he often asks: won't you die? To say that I will not die is to lie. The answer seems to be good that I will do my best to live and take care of you and I have no intention of dying. And it's important to be honest about this intention. If, for example, you feel so bad that you drink, you are deeply depressed, you cannot cook food and offer your child anything but a stone face, take care of help for yourself (working with a psychologist, possibly medication support). Transfer the care of the child to the one who is in the resource and is now able to give. It is good if you decide on the time and tell the child, at least approximately, how much you need to recuperate to live. This is not a crime. This is evidence that you are a person who is experiencing loss as best he can. It is not known how even the most ardent defenders of children's rights would behave in your place.
I would also like to say to those who decide to take care of a step-child a seditious thought: you undertake the obligation to take care of him, but you are not obliged to love him. Surprisingly, if you are free from such an obligation, tenderness and warmth are more likely to join sympathy and responsibility. Another unpopular idea: in my opinion, it is impossible to find a new dad for a child, you cannot become a mother if she has already been. It is better when the place remains truthfully named, even if it is empty. But it is possible that the caregiver (the most appropriate word here) was, the relationship was built, the family was created. Formats can be pretty fancy. And no matter what I write here, if a child asks: "can I call you Mom?", You will act in the best way for you, choose the most appropriate answer. Because only you know how to do it right.
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