2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The parents of the five-year-old boy sent the child and grandmother to rest for two weeks at sea. The grandmother tried very hard to ensure that the child's rest was excellent and not overshadowed by anything. There was a rich program at sea: excursions, trips. This was the child's first trip without parents, although he had already been to the sea before.
They returned home happy, contented, rested and tanned. A couple of days after the sea, the child's mother noticed that at dinner he was drinking … soup from a plate. “Did you do that at sea too?” She asked. “Yes!”, The son replied with pride and added: “And I also ate mashed potatoes with my hands!”.
Upon arrival, my grandmother said that the child was very excited and emotional at sea. Mother also became from day to day is becoming increasingly noticing … There intonation in his voice: "I is not buuuuuduuuuu …", "I Do not hooooochuuuuu" instead of simply "no". The child stood on his head all day, and even ate in this position, with his legs up. Excitement and emotionality grew. Parents looked at their child in bewilderment. It was as if the child had been replaced. The child ignored all the requirements, persuasions, rules of the parents, did not pay attention. A commanding tone appeared: "Well, where is my soup spoon?", "Put my salad on my plate." The last straw was the appearance of aggression in his son. If something was not “on him,” he immediately rushed with fists and growls at his parents, he could painfully grab his hand, hit his mother on the back. Moreover, aggression was unacceptable in this family. The parents never beat the child and did not show aggression towards each other. Where did it come from - such anger, such irritation, growls and fists?
And now, in order. What really happened?
- The child grew up for five years in a family where the parents set the rules, made demands, raised the child taking into account their values and formed these values in the child. In other words, they formed the boundaries of permissibility for their son, beyond which he could go only in rare exceptions. Children need boundaries because that's how they feel safe.
- The child leaves for the sea, where there are no parents, but there is a grandmother who wants to please the child and therefore turns on the "permissive regime". This is from the series - "whatever the child is amused, as long as it does not cry." A child, at first unaccustomed to the fact that he can do anything: eat mashed potatoes with his hands, and (forgive me!) Go to the toilet on the beach anywhere, and many other things, begins to "taste" this permissiveness. On the one hand, it is interesting, it is addictive, and I want to taste more and more this permissiveness. And the grandmother begins to indulge him in this. The child, being earlier within the framework of parental rules and with clear boundaries, is not used to permissiveness, in which there are no boundaries. Therefore, the absence of boundaries makes the demands and desires of the child as endless.
- The child's excitement is connected precisely with the absence of these boundaries, because: firstly, for the child this is a new situation, and secondly, he does not know what to do with this situation. He is not able to "digest" it, although the forbidden fruit beckons.
- And then the vacation ends, and the child returns to his family, where the rules have not been canceled. He begins to resist these rules, because is still in the mode that my grandmother set. It is difficult for him to readjust to the early requirements and rules of his parents. Therefore, the child meets every comment of the parents with indignation. The outrage intensifies and aggression, fists and growls appear.
It remains to understand what to do with all this parents?
- Have patience and start building anew the system of values (respect for elders, we don't fight in our family, etc.), rules, requirements and, in rare cases, prohibitions. That is, to re-form the boundaries that were violated in the absence of parents.
- Correctly react to the child's aggression, react to his feelings by active listening: "You are angry", "Oh, how angry you are now!" Teach him to calmly say "no" and try not to pay attention to the manifestations of sharp intonations in his voice. If the child is accepted in situations of aggression (not to confuse acceptance of the child himself with the acceptance of his inappropriate behavior), it will be easier for him to cope with these outbursts.
- Express empathy in situations where the parents cannot fulfill the child's wishes and requirements.
- Introduce a system of consequences for the child's improper behavior, but do not apply emotional (isolation from the child, “I was offended and did not approach me at all”) and physical punishment.
- Believe that the child will cope with this situation.
Yes, there is a lot of work. But it's worth it - to return harmony to the family, calmness not only to the child, but also to his parents !!
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