2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Children need structure, boundaries, support.
When I stop repeating this, I will stop being a psychologist.
Children need structure for normal development. When there is a structure, then there is an understanding of what is happening and why.
Children need boundaries. Children need boundaries, because it is very important for them to understand where "can" ends and "must not" begins, and they will always check them, always. They will always check them to know how much they can trust you, whether you can bear them, good and terrible, nasty and affectionate. Because if you can withstand them, then there is hope that someday they will be able to withstand themselves. And it will be clear that when you yourself are already unbearably bad, there is an adult who will help you cope, who will not "die" from experiences.
Once upon a time, Dr. Winnicott introduced the concept - a fairly devoted mother, which is often forgotten today, in pursuit of ideality and in all good intentions. So, a sufficiently devoted mother is not ideal, not the one who is always, always near, not the one who runs to the first call, not the one who sacrifices herself, but the one who is moderately good for the child. A sufficiently devoted mother will be able to take care of both the baby and herself, because if she does not take care and think about herself, then when she runs out of strength, who will take care of her child? A wonderful slogan for each parent is written on the planes, above the seats - in case of depressurization of the cabin, put on a mask with oxygen first on yourself, then on the child. And this does not mean that we are egoists, it means that we can teach children good things - to experience frustration, take care of others and ourselves, be attuned to ourselves, the present, to understand the border of ourselves.
And yes, children will always resist and try to climb on their heads, but it is very important for them to know at this moment that you, their closest, already an Adult, will cope with this. When you become a support for them, even when it hurts unbearably, it gives them strength. You give them support, you give yourself to them. And if a child climbs on his head, then yes, this is a victory for him and hurray and laughter, but laughter through tears, because - "where next?", If there is no one above you for him. You are for him the most valuable, strongest, strongest, dearest and dearest creature, you are his stone wall, the highest height. And when a stone wall collapses, when the support leaves from under your feet, an earthquake begins, it becomes scary and creepy, right? And then you can trample the path to the refrigerator, because the refrigerator is more stable, and then you can hang in the tablet, because the tablet is more stable, then you can destroy yourself. And it hurts and at times is unbearable for everyone.
In our society, it is customary to believe, unfortunately, that children become "people" somewhere closer to adulthood, and before that they must form, grow, learn, but often - not feel - not have their own opinion. We forget that from birth people come to us who also know something inside themselves, feel, understand differently, want differently. Yes, we pay for them, dress them, drink them, feed them, but they are already alive, you know, which means that each of them is a person who expects from us strength and warmth, words and hugs, boundaries and security, experience and the opportunity to gain experience.
Parents, please be a reliable support for your children, because they will then live with this.
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