Three Relationship Pitfalls

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

An article for those who have been burned more than once in a relationship, but do not give up and do not lose hope of creating a happy family and are now looking for a partner or have already stepped on the same rake

So you look around, meet new people, and draw on the same experience, based on the same skills and beliefs, while expecting a different outcome. And you are also blowing on the water, now it has become more scary to go into a relationship, there are only traps and traps all around. Not suspecting that, first of all, we set traps for ourselves.

Building harmonious relationships also needs to be learned, this is the same skill that you have been honing for years to develop in your career, happy relationships is a project that requires professional skills.

At the very beginning, at the stage of search, the subconscious guides you, even if you rely on a conscious choice based on clear criteria, you can fall into trap number one.

Let's call it Cinderella's Shoe

Here is a shoe in your hands, with which you approach potential partners and try on it. This is the most important criterion for you now. If it fits, you will supplement the rest of the image with your idea of what this person should be. For the prince from the fairy tale Cinderella, the size of his feet was important, because he already wears the romantic image of Cinderella in his head. So, the shoe came up to another girl, he marries her and builds a relationship with the idea that this is Cinderella, without knowing who really is in front of him.

For example, a man after 40, divorced, has children in a previous marriage, wants to marry a young girl, tall with a large breast. When he meets a girl suitable for the parameters, he begins to conquer, with full confidence that this is what he needs. What sets of characteristics are there in the load for growth, youth and breasts - he does not take into account, he has an idea of what she is.

Or a woman, after a divorce from her husband, who earned little money, goes to look for a surely wealthy man with whom she will undoubtedly be happy.

These are the shoes in hand, which will actually suit many.

Why do we not have the opportunity to realistically see another person in front of us, why do we build relationships with the idea of a person, and not with him?

It happens that we choose a partner subconsciously similar or opposite to the image of a significant person (parent, or the one who raised in childhood). And then, something similar or opposite becomes a shoe in our hands, with which we approach potential partners. But in this version, we do not even see it ourselves, we perceive it simply as falling in love, and not as a subconscious choice.

In a state of love, almost everyone experiences the effect of euphoria for some time due to the hormonal surge. During this period, a person is inclined to idealize a partner, embellish him, and relying on only one or two coincidences according to significant criteria, draws his image in his head. Everyone tries to look better than they are, someone fantasizes not only about the merits of a partner, but also about their qualities and achievements.

But time passes from 3 to 12 months on average, hormones calm down, sexual tension subsides and partners relax, allowing themselves to be who they are next to each other. And here comes the most unpleasant surprise - disappointment! They just don't recognize each other and feel cheated. During this period, many couples break up.

What to do to avoid falling into the trap of Cinderella's Shoes?

· The first is to separate the image of a person with a real person. Check with what I think about him and what he really is.

· Show a sincere interest in getting to know someone else. Consider that in a romantic period, we tend to idealize each other. It is during this period to try to present to the partner with its pluses and minuses, since this is the most favorable opportunity that we will be received with all the cockroaches, while it looks enchanting against the background of romanticism.

· Do not deceive your partner, give him the opportunity to get to know himself in the present. Go on a hike, wallpaper, go to each other's relatives, find common ground in interaction, and with sincere interest find out with whom you are starting to build a relationship.

Trap number two. Let's call it the Relationship Game

This is a situation where we begin to build relationships without having matured psychologically. And we go into a relationship in order to take and satisfy our needs that we could not get in the parental family. Of course, here is about parent-to-partner transfers. Moreover, there may be options that the husband is the mother, and the wife is the father. And we play, not build relationships, not seeing a real partner in front of us, but present needs to the parent. The psyche seeks to complete the unfinished, to relive childhood traumas in a different way, to be saturated with parental love through a partner, therefore a similar state is created, as in the parental family.

In such a relationship, all our cockroaches are actualized. And we immediately have long lists of needs: give, need, want, to me. Here I am in the center of attention, and everyone should dance around. But in the end - disappointments, resentments and claims, since the partner is not a parent and he followed the relationship between a man and a woman, and not a parent and a child.

How can you avoid this trap? This is only the achievement of psychological maturity in therapy. When you go into a relationship to share and give, and start giving with joy, this is it. When two people build relationships in an adult way, then they get pleasure to give to each other, out of an excess of love. Can you imagine what kind of relationship this is?)

So the third trap is "Tom and Jerry"

There is always someone running away and someone catching up. Some kind of imbalance in the relationship. One gives a lot, feeds with attention (ten calls a day, 50 SMS, eternal waiting for an answer), the other is burdened by this and avoids (stays late at work, in the garage, in a fitness club, fishing, with friends).

One feels less attractive (gave birth and got fat, lost his job) and therefore tries to like it and pours a lot into the relationship, becoming emotionally dependent on the partner.

The second begins to doubt the choice of a partner and immediately blames himself that something is wrong with him, since he rejects such a loving partner. They are together, but they torture each other.

How can you avoid this trap?

For someone who feels less attractive - raise self-esteem, direct attention to yourself, find ways of self-realization, start again getting carried away by those interests that were before meeting your partner, develop and stop pressing on your partner, do not stifle him with your attention.

· For someone who has doubts about the choice of a partner, you may be trapped in an imbalance, you should discuss this with your partner openly and give both of them a chance to correct the situation before it is too late.