2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Argument. Frequent quarrels in relationships … how it happens:
Stage 1. Initial unconscious quarrel
The first, the original quarrel was unconscious and arose from a banal discrepancy between the views of two different people on the same subject. This quarrel is usually won by the partner who knows how to flare up most quickly, to mobilize, most often a choleric or sanguine person. The second partner was not ready for the fact that over some trifle a dispute arose, he (s) scolded (s) rather sluggishly and this time easily lost ground.
In this quarrel, no one was ready for it and therefore it is unconscious.
Stage 2. Deliberately unconscious quarrel-revenge # 1
A little later (perhaps the next day), the one who lost earlier, disturbed his pride and decided that the partner showed himself too aggressively and therefore should be punished). He (a) is waiting for a convenient moment or artificially provokes a scandalous situation.
So a new quarrel arises, in which now the partner who previously lost is better mobilized. Faced with unprecedented stubbornness, the more energetic partner either yields or draws the situation, but hopes for revenge: you need to somehow restore your leadership …
In this quarrel, the loser partner had previously prepared for it consciously, and the one who had previously won was dragged into it unconsciously. Therefore, it is consciously unconscious.
Stage 3. Fully Conscious Revenge Bickering # 2
In the third altercation, the parties are fully prepared for a verbal battle. This is how a completely conscious quarrel arises, in which the parties are already "not for life, but for death" and will be able to "reach out" to each other, draw the right conclusions and finally settle the situation
Stage 4. Deliberately-unconscious quarrel-revenge # 3
If, as a result of the previous quarrel, someone nevertheless remained dissatisfied (it does not matter who), this partner may again harbor resentment, consider that he (a) was simply not ready for the previous quarrel and provoke a new one. quarrel.
Stage 5. New deliberate quarrels, revenge …
There is nothing to talk about. You yourself know that quarrels can drag on and on for weeks, and one quarrel provokes another, and the other provokes a third..
Most likely, you recognized yourself! Do not worry: as already mentioned, this is the scenario of the most typical, common love quarrels. From time to time, absolutely all lovers and spouses quarrel like this. Indeed, in love or family relationships there are periods when quarrels literally pour out of a bucket. These periods we will call periods of serial quarrels. And so that everyone understands what we are talking about, we will give a definition.
A period of serial fights is when you have at least two fights a day for two to three days.
Periods of serial quarrels take place in absolutely every love relationship, moreover, often with enviable constancy. (So, don't panic too much! You are not the first, you are not the last!);
Serial quarrels, serial quarrels, strife. The external similarity actually hides very large internal differences. The presence of serial quarrels does not at all prevent many couples of lovers from creating quite happy families. Serial quarrels continue to plague many married couples, which still allows them to celebrate their silver and gold anniversaries.
I emphasize: Taken by itself, serial fights cannot ruin your relationship! They are dangerous only when they are a special tool of the "relationship shutdown program", which is turned on by your psyche (or the psyche of your partner) in the event that for a long time one of you did not live up to the love expectations of each other. The very moment of turning on that self-liquidator of love and family relations, which I call the "critical program" has already been described in my book"
And so that you don't be tormented by the question - are your serial quarrels a sign of the dying of your relationship, I will give ten signs that a program of self-liquidation of relationships - a "critical program" - has started in your head (or the head of your partner).
Ten Signs of a Critical Program
- You start to get annoyed by the manifestation of tenderness towards you on the part of your partner. When you are kissed or hugged, you think to yourself: “Instead of this puppy tenderness, it would be better … (Insert according to the situation:“I made an offer”,“I’ve been around more often”,“I would earn more money”,“I would be more energetic in bed "," I would listen less to my fools-girlfriends ", etc.). This is making itself felt in a conflict of unjustified expectations …
- You start to regret spending too much time together. But during this time it was possible to do so much! For example: to devote more time to work and communication with the management (you look, and your career would go uphill), to perfectly learn French and Italian, visit a fitness club, become a top model, etc.
- You are less and less attracted to have sex with your partner.
- The slightest disobedience to your instructions causes outbursts of wild rage, leading to quarrels. Sometimes you yourself do not understand why you behave this way …
- You find in your partner more and more inconsistencies with your image of the “ideal life partner”. It turns out that he (a) snores and snores, rarely washes his hair, is not able to go to the store on his own, buy movie tickets, his (her) clothes are either old-fashioned or too avant-garde, you like dumplings and Dilmah tea, and you they always try to feed them with dumplings with mushrooms and drink Lipton tea. All of this is simply outrageous!
- You are re-evaluating your loved one. You understand that those qualities that previously seemed so important to you (for example: he always gives you his hand, helps you get into the car and opens the front door in front of you, when you meet, she always throws herself on your neck and expresses her sincere joy) - sheer trifle. Having money in your pocket or being able to solve your problems on your own is now much more important …
- It begins to seem to you that communicating with this person, you are spoiling him (her). In fact, you deserve more, and he / she deserves less.
- You suddenly realize that "if something happens" you can easily find another partner, but he (she) will have to look for something else …
- The desire of your partner to somehow smooth the situation, his (her) frank ingratiation and courtesy only inflames your suspicion or jealousy. You think: “Look how I ran (a)! Surely, or already cheating, or preparing me to take time off to some party or disco. But in fact … What a reptile !!! ".
- Having offended your loved one, you no longer consider yourself to be guilty (oops). You think something like, “Well, okay! Serves you right! I'm tired of making comments to you about the same thing. If you don't understand in a good way, it will be in a bad way! My patience is not unlimited. I warned (a) that if you do not draw conclusions and do not correct, one of our quarrels may be the last … ".
If most of these signs (and preferably all of them!) Have absolutely nothing to do with you, take a deep breath: your periodically occurring serial quarrels are not as scary as they seem!
So, if you didn't find "nothing like that" in yourself, let's move on.
Speaking now about not terrible and completely fatal serial quarrels, for a start we will list the main reasons for the occurrence of the most typical serial quarrels. It is possible that this alone will be enough to immediately recognize ourselves and, without any prompting, see a way to overcome their problems.
Seven main reasons for the most common serial fights.
Reason # 1. You (of course, if you are a lady!) Or your friend have "critical days" (not to be confused with a critical program!)
As practice shows, for many girls and women, the stress associated with the approach and onset of menstruation is so strongly reflected in the psyche, which leads to a sharp increase in irritability and leads to a series of completely contrived quarrels from the category of "from scratch."
The way out is simple: If you are a lady, learn to control yourself when you are about to start or have already begun THIS. If all else fails, try not to see each other these days (under the most plausible excuses). Better from this will only be for both of you!
If you are a man, learn to clearly navigate the monthly cycle of your beloved or your spouse (It's very simple! The whole cycle is 28 days, the duration of critical days is from 3 days to a week. And then again, plus 28 days. When IT starts, you will know for sure!). And having learned to navigate, try these days to behave quieter than water and below the grass. Surround your beloved with tenderness and attention. Perhaps it will save you …
Reason # 2. Your couple hasn't had sex for too long
Let's not talk too much about this. You probably know:
Sex is one of the best forms of emotional and psychological relaxation of a person! Especially in love …
So, if you have had a sexual relationship for a long time, but for some reason you have not had sex for more than a week (and what can we say about two or three weeks!), There is nothing strange about the fact that you have started serial quarrels! It should be so. Finally, get down to business!
In general, when fighting serial fights, I always advise you to start with sex. And only if you have sex at least three times a week, and the quarrels continue and continue - it makes sense to start looking for other reasons. For example, from the following list.
Reason number 3. You haven't seen your partner for a long time
I will write in more detail about this point in the chapter "The quarrel of meetings". Now I will confine myself to what I will say:
Serial fights often arise from accumulated emotional
hunger of those partners who have not seen each other for one or two
weeks and involuntarily begin to suspect that the second
half "could have appeared."
This leads to the fact that people completely involuntarily begin to "check" each other: they provoke many small quarrels with each other in order to bring the partner to tears and hysteria, to quarrel with him (her) so that then give him (her) the opportunity come with a guilty head, make up first (oh).
Immediately after you (or he (a)) understand that everything is in order and you (you) still love (love), everything settles down and returns to normal.
Reason number 4. You've been together for too long without doing anything.
Activity is the main difference between living beings and everything inanimate. Can you imagine your dog or cat (especially young ones) or some tiger, antelope or kangaroo just eating, going to the toilet and doing nothing for a whole week? Of course, this does not happen and cannot be! But some people naively believe that by routinely spending a week together in front of the TV or on the couch, they will greatly strengthen their love or family relationships. Of course they are wrong!
Accumulated physical and emotional energy
always require discharge.
Serial quarrels are one of the options for such a relaxation!
So, I strongly advise you: If you start quarreling too often, think: "What joint active activities have you and your partner have over the past weeks?" And if you have not gone to public places for a long time, have not wandered along the embankment or left the city, urgently compensate for this with some energetic actions.
Shake yourself physically - discharge emotionally! Serial quarrels will immediately become much less!
Reason number 5. You have accumulated unspoken claims against each other.
Another reason for serial quarrels is the intensified efforts of both partners to suppress all current quarrels as much as possible, not to allow them to reach any dangerous severity. As a result, people cannot simply "argue", throw out the negative energy of the dispute, and discharge themselves emotionally. But, most importantly, they cannot fully understand each other's position, without understanding these positions, they cannot restructure their behavior.
Premature folding, breaking off, "rounding off" quarrels
fraught with the fact that partners still cannot understand how
it is they who should behave in order to avoid new quarrels.
Shutting their mouths and each other's mouths without discharging, the partners remind me of soldiers who are given a box of cartridges with the condition to shoot it in a month, and then hand over the spent cartridges. Being too lazy to go to the shooting every day, not firing single, in the end, they are then forced to come to the shooting range for a good half day, immediately insert a full clip of cartridges and shoot, shoot and fire in bursts almost to exhaustion …
One of the reasons for your serial fights may be
to be nothing but the absence of single quarrels!
So, try to quarrel without interrupting in mid-sentence and without interfering with each other in communicating their views on you and current situations in a coherent manner. It is quite possible that by quarreling about once every three to five days, you will avoid serial "queues"!
Reason number 6. The status of one of the partners changes
One of the most unpleasant reasons for serial fights is a change in the career, social or property status of one of the partners or spouses. Moreover, it is equally unpleasant both in the case of an increase in this status (a higher position, a sharp increase in wages, etc.), and when it is lowered (especially if a person starts to drink too much or degrades in some other way).
An increase in the status of one partner always objectively leads to a certain decrease in the status of the other partner. Accordingly, lowering the status of one partner always objectively leads to some increase in the status of the other. Love or family relationships always represent a kind of closed circuit, a system of communicating vessels, where the slightest change in the status of one person immediately directly affects the status of another …
Keep in mind:
Both raising and lowering the status of the first partner are always
painfully hits the pride of the second. In the first case, he (a) begins
to envy and feel their dependence and "inferiority", in the second, - to start thinking about what is quite
may pretend to be something better …
There is only one way out: to demonstrate their tolerance, to love, the more successful partner must try to pull up the less fortunate, and the less fortunate must make efforts to pull himself up. Alas, there are no other opportunities for extinguishing serial quarrels and staying together …
More details about this situation can be found in my book Anatomy of a Love Betrayal.
Reason number 7. You have different speed of thought and mental reactions
And, perhaps, the most common reason for serial quarrels of three to five quarrels within one or two days is just the fact that partners have different speed of mental and mental reactions, different processing speed of information received during the initial quarrel, different speed of decision making … As they say, different rates of "heating" and "cooling". Scientifically speaking, different characters and temperaments, different rates of passage of reactions of arousal and relaxation.
Final conclusions:
That long list was meant to show you:
Conclusion number 1. Serial quarrels are an absolutely integral and absolutely natural part of any love and family relationship.
Taken on its own, serial fights are completely non-threatening
your love or family relationship!
The main thing is that there should not be such an aggravating circumstance as a feeling of hopelessness in a relationship. But this is the topic of separate books!
Conclusion number 2. The variety of reasons causing serial fights means that you will never be able to avoid their periodic occurrence in your couple. No matter how hard you try to do it …
Conclusion number 3. Each new serial quarrel in your relationship may well have a different reason: first you quarreled because of your (or her) critical days, then because someone went on vacation or on a business trip, then because temporary lack of money for an extensive cultural program, then because of someone's chronic employment and lack of sex, then because of something else …
Conclusion number 4. Each type of serial quarrel is completely removable and has its own antidote. You should know them well.
Conclusion number 5. The most important antidote to serial fights is your love for each other!
Optimistic ?! Hope!
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