How To Quarrel Without Offense. Step-by-step Instruction

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

How to quarrel without offense. Step-by-step instruction.

You need to be able to quarrel correctly. Many people avoid quarrels just because they are afraid of complications in the relationship, they are afraid of losing the relationship, they are afraid to finally offend and feel guilty later. It's so painful to experience such negative feelings. It is easier to remain silent, to suppress in yourself, to pretend that nothing happened.

When families with “problem” children come to me for a consultation, and at the same time mom and dad keep repeating: “We do not quarrel in the family. We only have a very aggressive and uncontrollable difficult child,”I understand that a very unhealthy family came to see me.

And this is why the child is uncontrollable, because mom and dad suppress their anger. The child is the unconscious of the family: his behavior and his mental and physical health show how healthy the climate of the relationship between dad and mom is. Thus, it is impossible to run away from yourself and your inner problems.

- Why do people think that quarreling is bad? Who stole your right to conflict?

Because from childhood, parents forbade to show their anger, but the parents themselves, if they did show it, then it happened in a terrible, disgusting form for the child. Therefore, we grow up and give ourselves a word that such, as we saw in our family in childhood, we will never allow.

What exactly is blocking the expression of anger? The following reasons can be distinguished:

1. We do not know how to adequately express anger, we do not have a healthy model for expressing this feeling, except for shouts, fights, threats, manipulations, insults, accusations, condemnation.

2. The manifestation of anger is considered weakness, and therefore, if he showed incontinence, then it becomes ashamed.

3. It can be scary to talk about our anger, because we assume that our feelings will not be accepted and because of our anger, relations with us will be severed.

4. Since we were raised comfortable, our parents perceived our anger as an excuse for rejection and feeling bad, guilty.

But there are no people on earth who would not feel anger? This is an idealistic view of the world and yourself: "I will never be angry."

Moreover, your ability to be aggressive is an indicator of how successful you can be. It is impossible to be rich and healthy, happy in personal relationships, without being aggressive and not knowing how to show your anger in a healthy way. Healthy aggressiveness also helps us to build personal boundaries, to feel protected in a society that consists mostly of psychologically immature people, which means they are capable of breaking the boundaries of their own and others.

What we used to call the words aggression and aggressive, we were taught from childhood that this is bad, because by these words we all mean violence and cruelty, and no one explained to us how healthy aggression differs from unhealthy one. For us and for many generations of our ancestors, aggression is violence and cruelty. But this is not the case. Aggression is the ability to actively act, build relationships without violence, defend and set boundaries. A healthy person is an aggressive person who knows how to be aware of his emotions, is capable of deliberate actions and negotiations with respect for others and their own borders.

But first, let's figure out what unhealthy aggression is, the one that our parents meant when they taught us not to be angry, but to endure. All forms of conflict that our ancestors passed down from generation to generation to many of us are destructive and are forms of emotional abuse. Did you know that emotional abuse is used completely invisibly by almost all people?

What forms of emotional abuse do you know?

Reproaches, intimidation, blackmail, manipulation, devaluation, insults, criticism, remarks, humiliation, ridicule, comparisons with others, ignoring needs and feelings, interpreting (I know better why you did this), trying to take power and control, silence, rejection, pressure and pressure, and if all this does not help, then fists, belts, vines, slaps, slaps on the head are used.

This is the set of psychological viruses that almost all people are infected with and that are transmitted from generation to generation. How many of you in your families do not use at least one of these methods of resolving conflict situations?

Why do people choose to suppress anger? Because they do not want to stoop to the destructive violent behavior that can happen during a conflict. But the conflict is important and necessary, because during the conflict we get to know each other, we learn how we are arranged, where are the personal boundaries of each of us. After all, we are all different. And where there is a difference, there is a conflict.

As one of my clients said: "We could live on a holiday of our difference, and we suffer when we find that the other is not like me."

How many of you haven’t said with indignation: “Well, I don’t do that, why do they do it?”. Do you sincerely think that everyone else should be like you in everything? They are different and, of course, neither they nor you know where anyone has, what personal boundaries, and therefore, if you do not talk about it, if you do not create conflicts, then the constant violation of boundaries is inevitable.

Therefore, let us turn to the formula: "Conflicts are important and necessary." Sometime at the very beginning of my relationship with my current husband, he told me an amazing phrase: "Do not be afraid of conflicts, they cleanse the relationship." Then I thought about the healing function of conflicts. But something in my head did not fit: after all, how much destruction occurs in conflicts, how much offense and pain they cause, since on emotions people can tell each other such a thing that then for many years the memory of harshly spoken words makes it difficult to meet in closeness …

And so my husband and I began to look for those forms of conflict that could not destroy, but strengthen our relationship. An important first discovery that we made: "Feelings in a conflict come first in terms of the importance of attention to them." But what we are faced with is not the ability to speak the language of feelings.

I think we were not very different then from ordinary couples who were taught from childhood that it is bad to show emotions, this is weakness, this is vulnerability, it is unsafe, since feelings can become a weapon in the hands of an opponent against you.

This is how they educate all people, especially boys: "do not show feelings, otherwise you will seem weak." Therefore, men are more suppressive and die earlier than women.

What do parents pay attention to in raising their children in the first place? On the development of mental intelligence: so that the child studies well, knows a lot, be erudite, and then the parent will be proud of what a smart little child he has. But none of the parents pay attention to emotional intelligence. On the contrary, the expression of feelings is considered something shameful in our culture. Again, more for men. But, there is such an expression: "A person's strength is not in not showing his feelings and seem strong, but in admitting his weakness," that is, to be honest and open in his feelings to people.

Healthy is the person who is able to tell about his feelings to the person to whom they are addressed, at the moment when they arose, in the place where they arose. This is the formula of a healthy person psychologically and physically. But how to say about feelings so that they do not destroy the other? After all, what we saw in our childhood was very toxic in our families. The key to environmental conflict is your feelings. Feelings differ from emotions in that as soon as an emotion is realized, it no longer becomes an emotion, but a feeling.

- What feelings do you know? Their 7 basic senses.

Fear, guilt, shame, anger, sadness, joy, and interest (surprise).

In order to work with feelings efficiently and learn to speak the language of the 7 basic senses, do the following exercise:

Exercise: "Altar of the senses": On separate A4 sheets of paper, write all 7 basic senses and hang these 7 sheets on a free wall. Every time a conflict is on its way, and a marker that a conflict is brewing may be a simple bodily tension, unpleasant sensations in the chest or in the area of the shoulders and neck, you go to the altar of feelings and look at these sheets of paper. You are trying to correlate your inner feeling with at least one of those feelings that are written on the sheets. Perhaps you are experiencing two feelings, this can also be.

But here it should be noted that the easiest thing to do is to get angry. For example, when we are frightened, we may become aggressive and have an instantaneous anger response - this is a protective anger that protects us from danger. Or, when we feel guilty or ashamed, to protect ourselves from these feelings, we may also become angry. So take your time with anger and irritation and take a few more seconds to see if the anger is hiding guilt, shame, or fear. Once you understand what feeling is at the heart of your experience, you determine to whom this feeling is addressed. You cannot be angry with yourself, you cannot, in principle, experience feelings for yourself, since feelings always arise as reactions to external stimuli, feelings are always addressed to someone, but not to yourself.

Even if it seems to you that you are angry with yourself, then it seems so to you. This means only one thing: that in your environment there is someone or several people to whom your feeling of anger is actually addressed and you still need to determine who these people are, to whom you have a reaction of anger or irritation. If you are constantly angry with yourself, it means that you are turning your anger on yourself and triggering an auto-aggressive process in your body. Autoaggression underlies most psychosomatic illnesses. Headaches, abdominal pains, high or low blood pressure, leg pains and other symptoms … If a person turns his anger on himself for a long time and lives an auto-aggressive life (scolds himself, blames himself, executes himself, engages in self-indulgence), sooner or later he gets sick more serious illness.

So, you have determined to whom your feeling is addressed. What to do next with this? Now you need to figure out what unmet need lies at the heart of your feeling. Here's another piece of news for you today: we always have feelings when some of our needs are not satisfied. That is, behind every feeling there is an unmet need, which we expect, will be satisfied by the person to whom this feeling is addressed. So, you have identified a feeling, you have identified to whom this feeling is, now we determine which need is not satisfied. What needs do we know? Let's turn to Maslow's pyramid - the pyramid of human needs.

Basic needs lie at the very bottom: sleep, food, drink, physiological functions, breathing and safety. As you can see, there is no sexual need, since a person does not die without sex, but he will die if he does not eat, drink, sleep, go to the toilet and if he is in danger for a long time.

Maslow's next level of need is love and attention. Even higher are: recognition and approval, power over them and at the peak of Maslow's pyramid the need for self-realization. Until the needs of the lower level are satisfied, it is impossible to satisfy the needs of the higher level. If there is shooting around and you have no food, you will not think about how to get approval and recognition or how to fulfill yourself. So, you have determined what feeling you are experiencing, to whom it is addressed and what your need is not satisfied.

Now is the time to move on to the next "I-Messages" technique.

Let's move on to the main instrument of conflict management - this is I - messages. What words do we usually say to our opponent during a conflict?

We talk:

- You are so…

You are bad.

- How could you?

- But what if I tell you this or do? How will you be?

- Aren `t you ashamed!

- You acted ugly, badly.

What we say using the word "You" are You-messages. All You messages are emotional abuse of a person. In every form of psychological violence, be it reproach, manipulation, criticism, remarks, threat, pressure, comparison, etc., we say the word "You".

I propose to abandon this word during the conflict and replace it with the words “I, me, me, mine” instead of “You, you, you, yours”. All forms of verbal abuse - "You are messages" can be paraphrased in "I-messages". And now we will practice doing this.

The structure of the "I-message". It has three parts.

1. This is a direct expression of feelings from the list of 7 basic feelings in the formulation: "I feel (name the feeling)". Remember that you are responsible for all your feelings, the other person cannot be responsible for your deeds, feelings and words in the same way as you are not responsible for his feelings, deeds and words, so you cannot talk about feelings in such a way as " you made me feel "… It was not you who made me angry, but I was angry, it was not you who scared me, but I was scared, it was not you who reproached me, but I feel guilty, and so on. So, the first part of the self-message is speaking your feelings.

2. Second part of the self-message: Describe the situation in the third person, without using the word "You". For example, I feel annoyed when they make noise or do not hear my requests. You don’t say, as before: “Don’t make me angry, you don’t hear me, that you are yelling at me”. And you describe the situation without regard to the person to whom you are addressing. Thus, you say to him, as it were: "I am made this way, I always react this way due to my peculiarities." For example, I get angry when someone yells at me. And since you say so without reproach and attack on a person's sense of guilt, then all his energy is not directed to defense, it will go to rectify the situation.

3. And the third block of the I-message is directly a request. You remember that a feeling arises in us when some of our needs are not satisfied and in order to satisfy it, you just need to ask a person. And now, in a request or in a clarifying question, you can say the words "You", "You", "You", "Yours."

So, the structure of the I-message: "Feeling is a description of the situation in the third person without the use of the word" You "and a request."

We will now practice translating You-messages into I-messages so that you can clearly understand how to build I-messages that will greatly facilitate your communication with people.

You-messages:

1. You again looked at your secretary, as if you wanted her, so I will also look at men like that, you will immediately understand how it is. (I am sad and scared to lose our relationship when my beloved man looks at another woman. Please do not look at your secretary.)

2. I just scrubbed the floors, and you stomped here again! How much can I ask you to take off your shoes on the rug by the door. (It makes me angry when they do not hear my requests and do not appreciate my work, please be more attentive to my requests and take off your shoes on the doorstep)

3. Why don't you compliment me, don't you like me anymore? You don't pay attention to me at all. (I miss compliments so much, they give me joy and when they are not there, I feel sad. Please admire me more often)

4. What am I a housekeeper, that you do not constantly wash the dishes after yourself? I get angry when I come home tired from work, and there is a pile of unwashed dishes in the sink. Please help me wash it.)

5. I asked you to take out the trash, but you have not found time for three days. (It makes me angry that they don't help me around the house. Please take out the trash.)

6. Why do I have to walk my dog all the time? This is your dog. You turned her on, and transferred all the worries about her to me. (I am annoyed that it falls on me to walk our dog. I am very tired. Please help me, go now and take a walk with Rex)

You have noticed that all I-messages end with a request and begin with a feeling. In the middle there is always a description of the situation with verbs that end in yut, yat …

I would also like to say about requests. A request ceases to be a request if a person has no right to refuse it. You can ask, for example, at the wrong time and the person will tell you: “not now, now I cannot or cannot at all”, and then you should not press and manipulate on the person’s fault, otherwise you will turn the request into pressure into violence.

Most often, during conflicts, we experience anger, anger, irritation. It is very important not to turn to violence, but to remain within the framework of healthy aggression.

Take back the right to express anger and the healthy conflict that appears at the point where our differences are discovered.

(c) Yulia Latunenko