Why Can't I Get Married And Find A Job?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

“I have a good education, I am sociable and I understand that I look good, but at the same time I am chronically unable to find a man with whom I would finally want to live together, and a job where I would like to work. Men who like me absolutely don't like me. And those that I like are not available. And so, at 32, I am not married and interrupted by odd jobs, although I speak two languages perfectly. It begins to seem to me that I was jinxed, although in general I am a sane person."

Vlada (name changed, permission to publish received) feels like a professional in her field, she likes what she does, but the girl left her previous job at the moment when she was promoted and her salary raised. For some reason, it was then that she irresistibly wanted to quit this job and look for some other. Moreover, the responsibility in the new position, as it turned out, would have been no more than in the previous one, the work itself was very suitable for her, and the salary would have been significantly higher.

As for personal relationships, the girl rejected all men with whom a serious relationship could potentially develop (they all seemed uninteresting to her). Vlada fell in love exclusively with inaccessible men (married bosses, artists and singers).

I ask Vlad to imagine what could have changed in her life if she had become consistently receiving a sufficiently high salary or got married - and it would have changed in the same way in both cases. The girl, without hesitation, answered: I would have moved out from my parents. She said that she has long dreamed of this, despite the fact that the relationship with her parents is good, and she loves them. After all, you need to finally start living an independent life. Now she cannot rent a separate apartment, because there is simply no money for this.

Then I ask Vlad to draw mom, dad and myself.

This is what Vlada drew.

At the same time, she herself was very surprised at what happened. He tells about the characters in the picture: these are two dinosaurs. They are good, but prickly and angry at each other. Between them is a teddy bear. It is very soft like a pillow.

I ask what happens if the bear is removed from the picture. Vlada, without hesitation, answers: the dinosaurs will stab each other to death. The bear is soft and small, they pity him and rarely prick him, but he is ready to endure anything, so long as they do not hurt each other.

Vlada recalls that in her childhood, her parents often quarreled, and each of their quarrels simply killed her. It seemed to her that the earth was slipping out from under her feet (the bear in the picture is really hanging in the air), and she constantly lived in fear (the bear's big dark eyes are a strong fear) that her parents would divorce. She was also sure that her parents were fighting because she was bad, and she tried her best to be good and comfortable for them, while often giving up her own desires. She remembers that at some point she did not want to live. She imagined that if she was gone, the parents would stop fighting.

It is still difficult for a little man to imagine that mom and dad have their own relationship, which is not related to him. He himself is half mom and half dad. Therefore, if mom and dad quarrel, the child is very painful: it seems to be torn apart.

Vlada's parents have long practically ceased to quarrel, now there is cool neutrality between them, but her childish fear remained. She still feels like a guarantor of the happiness and peace of mind of her parents. She is a small rescue bear who is ready to substitute her body under the needles of large dinosaurs, only they did not harm each other.

Therefore, a job that pays a salary sufficient to rent an apartment, as well as a serious relationship with a man, was unconsciously perceived by her as a threat to the happiness and peace of mind of her parents: if Vlada moved, they would be left alone with each other without a buffer bear.

Further, our work with Vlada was to help her realize and accept the fact that a child is never, under any circumstances, responsible for parental relationships. They are adults and independent people who can quite figure it out among themselves.

A few days ago, Vlada told me that she managed to return to her previous job, to a good position, and she rented an apartment, still small and far from the center, but she feels great there. As if a mountain fell from the shoulders. And she also accepted an invitation to a date from a man who has long been in love with her, but before she seemed too serious and uninteresting to her, but now she saw him with completely different eyes.