How To Live With A Narcissist

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

My wonderful groom gradually began to realize what he had gotten himself into. This is the question "how to live with you" from the cycle of #vmirenarcissists. Well, everything is clear with my ex-husband - there is such a bouquet of its own that my narcissism looks like a plastic bobblehead on a nudist beach. But the Frenchman had every chance of marrying an ordinary person. The question “I gave up to him” does not bother me for two reasons: firstly, I do not doubt my own uniqueness, and secondly, I am well aware that people cling to injuries. So we will omit this question for ethical reasons, but if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you should think about it.

In general, I tell you what you will have to face and what to do in order to survive. Moreover, both of you will have to "do" - this is if your partner, like me, is a conscious narcissist, and his goal is to really build a relationship with you, and not just have a snack in between times.

1) Clear rules. “If you don’t set boundaries, I'll walk all over you” I say with frightening regularity. Most people with such limitations do not notice other people's pain and ignore their personal space. That is, we can be trained to "see" your reactions and react accordingly, but with empathy, narcissists have big problems. If you don't like something - tell me. If you can't go somewhere - tell me. If you want something - also say. It's like in sex: if you want something, show it. Guessing is not our strong point.

2) Open communications. Everything can and should be spoken. If you think that there is something for granted, then it is very in vain. The answer to the question: "Isn't it obvious?", More often than not. Depending on the degree of accentuation (or even more disturbance) in the narcissist's head, it may actually look like this: “Ok, he stopped talking and thought, the corners of his lips dropped down, he looks at me strangely, his eyes are shining - he’s probably sad. - for what I just said. But maybe he just overeat ":) And then there is the processing of external factors and their comparison with possible emotions and suitable reasons. This is very energy consuming, so if you just open your mouth and voice your condition, you will save the narcissistic partner a couple of nerve cells and time. The same is true, by the way, for ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorders) and other personality disorders.

3) Extreme clarity of wording. With us it is not enough to “speak in words through the mouth”. It would also be nice to explain what meaning you mean in this or that concept. For example, vague terms like "I feel good" and "I feel bad" throw us into a stupor, because the world of the narcissist revolves around him. You are not in this equation a priori. And in our picture of the world, “good” is what suits us, and bad is what upsets us. If you want to be understood, explain what you mean and what exactly needs to be changed.

4) We are sympathetic to your tantrums, because it's really hard with us. But, if you want a constructive reaction, see point 3. Manipulations (yours) from the “you don’t love me” series are meaningless. Because here you hit the mark. We do not like. Because we don't know what it means to you. And because basically we only love our reflection in you. So, for example, I generally avoid such confessions, trying to describe my feelings at this particular moment as clearly as possible: "I like it, I am grateful, this is great, how glad I am, it turns me on, etc." Global manifestos like "always", "never" and "forever" are also not for us. We don't see that far. Of course, like all socialized creatures, we have basic preparations like “yes, dear”, which essentially means “get off”.

5) Most narcissists are infantile. Despite the success, confidence and solidity projected outside, in our souls we are lost children who need to play on their hands and be capricious. Narcissists play adult roles, make important decisions, earn great money and are often quite socialized, but they always need a donor - someone to fall for, someone who will calm down and provide stability that they themselves do not have. We may be politicians, lawyers, popular actors, and successful businessmen, but there will always be an assistant with a twitching eye behind us. If we have not earned for the assistant, then our partner may well earn himself a neurosis.

6) Narcissists are full of energy, and life with them is an eternal extravaganza - another myth. Yes, a relationship with a narcissist, and especially sex with him, can be delightful - you will be swirling in a whirlpool of emotions and lifted to the top of bliss. The trick is that you will be used as fuel for this carnival. The narcissist has very few resources of his own, and he is forced to feed on those around him. Actually, what you bring to the table will be used. Bon Appetit.

7) Forget about equal partnership. Narcissists do not know how to give (and sometimes they just have nothing). But they are good at taking and are ready to manipulate in order to get what they want. If you are living with a narcissist in any form, you will have to work hard to get a response. And even then, most likely it will be "artificial". For example, I make an effort to ask my partners about how their day went, because by and large I don't give a damn. Not a partner. For rituals. What you call manipulation is often a sincere attempt to meet your expectations - well, as best we can.

Why are there not 10 points? In order not to reveal all the cards. Torment now:)