How Difficult It Is To Be Happy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

- You know, - a client says to me at the session, a young, pretty, well-dressed girl, - I absolutely do not understand why I have so many problems in my life! Constantly something does not go well, at work I am exhausted, my relationship with my husband is strained, there seems to be money, but not enough money, the child is often sick … As if I was "jinxed", but I don’t do anything bad to anyone, I am generally a kind, sympathetic person and always try to be positive! What should I do, help

I’ve got used to conversations on the topic: “I’m good, but everything is bad”, because I hear them quite often, but there is a very good and simple answer to such conversations: “Reality doesn’t lie”. Life gives us not what we ask for, but what is "radiated" from us, and for my practice I have already been convinced of this many times

In my article "The Psychological Legacy of the Soviet Period" I wrote that for residents - and especially women - of the post-Soviet space, negativism of thinking, as a trend, is still prevalent today, as it was thirty years ago, despite the change in the political regime and the general course of life. … Negative attitudes of thinking were literally "learned along with mother's milk", and, unfortunately, they still remain "basic" for our society.

By the nature of my work, I spend a lot of time communicating with people - of different sex, age and nationality - and often at the beginning of a conversation or session I ask: "How are you?" Standard start of a conversation, nothing special. English speakers will also answer in the standard way: "It's okay, thank you." Among the Russian-speaking, it is customary to answer in the style: "Yes, nothing special / normal / usually / as always / nothing new" and other sadness, while it is almost impossible to see a smile on a person's face. They, in turn, often ask me: “How do you manage to be always in a good mood? Do you know any secret?"

You could say that. At some point, it became quite obvious to me that a bad mood (in any of its manifestations), negativism, a sad, sour face and the attitude: "Everything is bad and everything does not suit me" does not help me in any way in life. That's nothing at all, moreover, it bothers me, since it spoils the mood not only for me, but also for those around me that are sensitive to my mood. And if a bad mood hangs in the house for a couple of hours, since I did nothing to fix it, there will be consequences: some unnecessary scandal from scratch, or slight physical illness, or indirect loss of money. Moreover, based on the knowledge that I have about how to create my reality, I know for sure that “they” have nothing to do with it. These are the "they" who make the coffee maker not turn on in the morning, get underfoot, get in the way on the roads, pour unnecessary snow, turn on the red light at every intersection, hide somewhere in the back of the closet exactly here the clothes that I planned to wear, turn off hot water in the middle of the ablution process and pushed under the elbow when I want to add a little salt to my breakfast. It’s me, not coping with my bad morning emotions - and it doesn’t matter if they were left from yesterday evening or came because right after waking up I didn’t thank the Lord for waking up in good health and in a warm comfortable bed, but began flipping through the news on Facebook - "pulled" and "called" all these annoying little things. And I could not have attracted, if at the first signs of internal "negativism" I stopped and looked who is there in me and what exactly is dissatisfied. The conclusion from all this is very simple - my good mood helps me in achieving my goals - any, money, career, family, and bad - hinders.

There is one more discovery. Complaints, nagging and claims don't work and don't help! In general, no one and nothing. Complaints and grievances work strictly against you, as they leave you in a bad mood. Residents of the post-Soviet space believe that they can change the world by making claims to it, that in order to get something better, you need to thoroughly criticize what is, and it - what is - immediately realizes how bad it is and worthless and will immediately run to change for the better, as one friend of mine says, “losing her slippers”. Surprise, surprise, it’s not. Endless criticism and discontent will only lead to the fact that people will become more and more isolated in themselves, move away from you, or even avoid completely, so that in the end your inner negativity will lead to the fact that you will become even worse.

Back to the girl I wrote about at the beginning of the article. I gave her one simple-looking homework assignment - to draw up the so-called "scale of emotions", a common coaching technique. It consists in keeping track of your emotions, or, more precisely, strictly every hour asking yourself the question: “What do I feel now?”, Answering it as honestly as possible and writing it down. And so every day during the waking period, at least for a week, or better than two. In the extended version, we also have to indicate the number of points (plus or minus) that measure our "state" and we can even draw up a "state graph", but even without this it turns out to be quite visual, which is what we did.

The girl in the next session looked confused.

- Look, - she showed me a lined notebook, - but there is no positive at all! Quite a few resentments, discontent, guilt, despondency, print, sadness … Where is it from? I'm a really kind person!

- Well, how from where, - I joked, - they planted it, then!

But, in fact, there is nothing to joke about. Your happy life does not depend on your "Timurov" actions, on the fact that you, being late for work, transfer grandmothers across the street, give alms to the poor, or even donate "tithe" to charity. It depends on how you feel, what you concentrate on, what you think about, what you believe in. You can pretend that everything is great with you, and they can even believe you - those who really don't care exactly how you feel, but the Universe sees it right away and you can't cheat it on the chaff.

I do not know why it is more convenient and easier for people to believe in the "evil eye", and not to admit at least to myself (to myself) that, as in the case of the girl described, she got married, because it was "more convenient", a child she gave birth, so that if something happens, her husband would pay alimony, and she hated her job at all, because she got it “by acquaintance”, which is why she was frankly hated by her colleagues. And what does kindness have to do with it, you ask? And nothing to do with it. Generally. Before rushing to "bestow" your kindness on others - in any form - show love for yourself and think about how to please yourself, and your inner comfortable and cozy state will give you and those around you much more good.

This raises the following question, which was indirectly included in the title. Why is it so difficult for people to be in this very "good mood"?

But because it is really difficult. Let's just say, observing the majority of Russian-speaking people, I noticed a long time ago that their “everything is bad” mode is enabled by default. They are complainers and pessimists, they always have “someone to blame,” and they absolutely do not believe that they themselves can change something in their life, let alone change themselves. They are trying to change the world around them, which is impossible in principle, and the attempts themselves, doomed to failure, lead to quite understandable frustration. The internal attitude “I'm not good enough,” “I am not worthy,” “I will never succeed” works perfectly and gives exactly this in your life - you are not good enough, unworthy, and really nothing will ever come of you. As you say, so it will be, something else is striking - it is amazing how manic persistence people create for themselves "self-fulfilling" prophecies, they themselves bury their talents and opportunities to manifest them in the ground, and return exactly to where they started - "everything is bad" …

You can also look at the other side, which I often observe among those who want to learn foreign languages. They come to the teacher with the attitude "I will never learn, I have no ability" and expect that the teacher will spend all his free time trying to convince them. No, you are very capable, you will succeed, I have a magic pill, I will give it to you now and you will immediately speak any language you need! I would say that an adequate teacher will shrug his shoulders and say: "Well, as soon as the abilities appear, then come." If you broadcast your “inability” into space, where did you get the idea that you would get “skill”? There is a chic Hebrew phrase, "If you think you can, you can, and if you think you can't, you can't." Brilliant, I think!

In order to be happy, you need to stop living according to the principles of sacrifice. If I woke up in a bad mood, this is my personal concern, and neither my husband, nor children, nor neighbors, nor dogs are obliged to rush at full speed to solve it. Again that notorious choice - “How do you want? What do you want to feel? " A lot of books by esotericists of all stripes have also been written that your feelings do not have to depend on external circumstances. Any negative inner conviction can be "decomposed into parts", find a reason and turn in a positive direction, but this requires your personal efforts, your personal responsibility. On the same "scale of emotions" it is very easy to see the true vibration of a person, and few people are even at zero, the "average level of vibrations" of humanity, again, in my opinion, is approximately minus 150-200, and this is the level, on which nothing can be created, to create a new one, we must always correspond to the vibration of the desired, and I think that few people passionately desire poverty, illness and misery for themselves, but it is they that correspond to negative vibrations. If you go down even lower along the vibration "ladder", these are already diseases, possibly even incurable from the point of view of traditional medicine, losses, losses, destruction … Even if you hang advertising posters in pharmacies: “Spend a couple of years in anger and anger - get a heart attack completely is free!". Or so - “Can't you forgive an offense? Say hello to cancer! " "If you don't digest your neighbors - get ready for stomach diseases!" A lot of books have also been written about the fact that any disease has a metaphysical cause. Try to spend a year in peace and joy and see if you get sick and go to the pharmacy as if you were going to work. You will not, but it does not depend on me, and not even on God, but only on yourself.

It is difficult to be happy when there is a feeling that “happiness” must always be earned, it is given for special merits, or if “happiness” is associated with some unattainable material benefits. If I buy a car, I'll be happy, but the car has nothing to do with it. You are either happy or not, as usual, tertium not datur. By the way, it applies well to the question "Are you happily married?" - and marriage has nothing to do with it either. Marriage, as having a loving and caring husband, is not a cause of happiness, but a consequence, or even a "side effect".

It is difficult to be happy if your brain is "sharpened" for looking for reasons for dissatisfaction and fixation on them, and this habit is rather difficult to change to the opposite, to train the mind and attention on pleasant things. It is difficult to be happy if you follow the belief that happiness can - or must - be given by someone, it does not depend on you. It's hard to be happy if you don't choose happiness as the default option.

And in support of the above - a quote from my novel "A Doll's House for the Hedgehog."

“In the morning, the Voice woke up Inessa five minutes before the alarm clock.

- Beauty, wake up, smile to the new day!

- So early !! It's still dark! Let me sleep five minutes!

- I'm not giving it. Just five minutes to tune in for a new day! Come on, a moment of thanks. Tell me, what can you be grateful for now?

- You are crazy? I live a dull life, I work at a dull job, I have no husband, no family, little money …

The voice covered his ears.

- Listen, I, of course, can now quickly run for a pink notebook and write it all down, but it seems like you and I decided to create something new? Or are you sure that what you just said is what you want for the future?

Inessa turned over on the other side and covered herself with a blanket.

- Leave me alone. I want to sleep.

- I will not leave you alone. The teacher said, at first, help you until you learn it yourself.”The voice opened the curtains. - And instead of morning exercises, we have a minute of gratitude!

- Bore, - Inessa sat on the bed, - so what can I tell you? That I am grateful to you for not letting me sleep?

- Or because I help you? - Golosok winked, - can you be grateful for something in your life? Do you have something good?

- Does the apartment count?

- If you are grateful for her, then yes.

- Apartment, car, dog …

- Work, a healthy body, loving parents, - continued the Voice.

- And it counts?

- Why don't you want a healthy body? Or work?

- But I don't like my job, why should I be grateful for it?

- Well, if only because it brings you income …

- You have the answer to everything!

- And because everyone has the same objections … If you were angry or indignant, you would be the first in line, but how to thank - no, it's too difficult! It is normal for a human being to live in negativity, misfortune and hatred for decades, but as soon as you offer to be in happiness for 15 minutes, such resistance comes, as if I were calling to the shackles and to the quarry voluntarily to go to the end of their lives … And especially women, those in general, like hamsters from a drop of nicotine, tears into pieces …

For some reason, the picture with the hamsters made Inessa laugh.

- Well, I am grateful for the work too!

- Oh, well, he convinced, eloquent, - the Voice today was, as never before, serious, did not play naughty and did not try to eat the last cookie, - but best of all, people succeed in demanding. Give me, give me !!! A good job, a good husband, a lot of money, obedient children, the love of others…. Like a capricious child in a store who squeals and falls to the floor for his mother to buy a toy …

- Oh, I would not buy anything like that, but I would also give a slap on the head! - Inessa blurted out.

- Come on? And when you, in the same way, demand from God to give you everything that comes into your head, and he slaps you on the head in response - how do you like it?

She frowned.

- Well, I don’t squeal or kick my legs!

- Oh, yes, it radically changes the matter !! - The voice ceased to be serious and began to climb up the curtain, from where it swooped down on the pillow, - I set the alarm for five minutes, be so kind as to show them in gratitude, and I'll make you coffee.”

I wish you successful co-creations and movement towards finding inner happiness.

Yours, #anyafincham