2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Children's model of behavior in adults
1 model
When a person comes up with many expectations for himself from others and expects people to behave the way he wants. And when this does not happen, he takes offense at them, gets angry and does things that he later regrets.
2 model
When a person hopes that others understand his thoughts and feelings. He does not speak about them directly and waits for others to “guess”. It destroys the relationship.
What keeps an adult in this pattern of behavior:
- Traumatic childhood situation
- A person who resembles in appearance or behavior of past offenders
- The tonality or timbre of a person's voice (if the conversation takes place over the phone) similar to the offender
- Specific words or phrases that were specific to the offenders
15 toxic behaviors to avoid to avoid making relationship mistakes
Toxic behaviors are influenced by:
- Strakhov
- Feelings of guilt and shame
- Punishments
- Prohibitions
- Humiliation and ridicule
- Physical abuse
- Own bad experiences
15 toxic behaviors to avoid
- Suppress your desires
- Not expressing your true opinion, agreeing with others
- Do not argue with anyone, do not defend your point of view
- Being “good”, comfortable for others
- "Keep your head down", don't declare yourself
- Avoid difficult decisions
- Ignore your interests to please other people
- Silence or endure when you feel bad
- Say what others want to hear
- Take no initiative
- Put it off for later
- Wait for everything to be decided by itself
- Delay deadlines until the last day
- Don't try to change something
- Don't take responsibility
How to identify your toxic behaviors
Ask family and friends for feedback. Ask them questions:
- What do you think is stopping me from my behavior?
- What prevents me from building better relationships?
- What prevents you from achieving success in work or other areas of life?
It is important to have the courage to listen to the truth they tell
Analyze the goals that you set earlier, but did not achieve. And think about what prevented
Think about your big disappointments and regrets. Most likely, some behavior patterns led you to them.
Think:
- Where have you escaped responsibility?
- When was it delayed to the last?
- How did you avoid making difficult, unpleasant decisions?
- When did you avoid conflict, raise painful problematic issues?
- When they were silent instead of defending or defending themselves?
4 steps to overcome toxic behaviors
Getting rid of toxic behaviors completely is a long and difficult process. It is almost impossible to get rid of yourself - you need the help of a coach or psychologist.
But you can start on your own.
Step 1. Find and define your toxic behavior. Understand which pattern is driving you.
Step 2. Determine how this pattern came about:
- Why?
- In response to what?
- Under what conditions was it formed?
Step 3. If there is a strong bond with feelings, she needs to find a solution. In psychotherapy, this is called "trauma work", it requires a certain amount of time, resources and desire on the part of the person. The task is to ease the psychological stress so that you “get stuck” in the past with less force.
Step 4. After you have worked through the old model, you need to work out a new one, according to which you want to act.
For example, you decide to start making yourself known, honestly expressing your opinion.
Just move on and note the situations in which you managed to express an opinion, and when you suppressed this desire - that is, slipped into the old model.
These returns to the old can occur, but each time there will be less and less of them. Perhaps a completely old model will not go away. But you will notice what feelings move you, what thoughts arise. And you can take control of your behavior.
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