2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I was standing at a traffic light yesterday to cross the road. A girl of about ten and her mother are standing next to me. I hear snatches of their conversation. Mom scolds her daughter in such a tone that the girl hardly looks at her, her gaze is fixed on the ground.
“You think it's JUST SO, it's just that Daddy paid ten thousand rubles on the weekend so that you could swim with dolphins ?! Do you think I JUST give you toys like this? Just like that we go somewhere ?? No…. You must listen to ME and not talk to me in such a tone, do you understand ?!”. Oh, such situations are common.
The green light is on, and we are all going through the passage together. But the scolding continues. I quicken my pace because I rush to get my son to kindergarten. But my thoughts remain "there" for a while. And consciousness resists leaving this situation. At some point, I even want to shout: “Yes, she deserves to be JUST LIKE! Just like that, because she is your daughter. " So that this girl could be loved just so that she could just swim with dolphins, just go somewhere with her mother, spend time with her.
On the other hand, I ask the question, does the child need this? Did he want it with all his heart when Dad paid so much money for these dolphins? How many A's did he have to get to "deserve" this trip for a few hours? Did he want all these gifts that mom gives? Or is it the dreams of parents, is it DAD who wanted to swim with dolphins all his life, and now his position and work allow it? Or did my mother never have such dolls in her childhood, and she chooses them not only for the child, but also for herself? Has someone asked the child what he wants, what are his desires? What would bring him joy?
I know that. Not gifts, not trips, not dad's money earned and spent, not cars and dolls. And the warm look of mom, her love and affectionate words, hugs, a kiss on the top of the head, a book before bed, the feeling that he is important in this world and there are people to whom he is not only dear, but to whom he can always turn for help. Why am I so sure that these important things are the basis of trust (basic trust) and unconditional love? Dozens of parents come to me who have difficulties in relationships with children, ranging from the age of three to adolescents. And practically all parents have broken contact between them and their children. All of them find it difficult to “manage” their grown children, “fight” the crises of three years of age, “influence” somehow their children, “force” them to do something, try so that the children will once again learn to listen and hear them. These are the words that I often hear in my office when I work with families, these are the words that are often written in topics on forums … The basis of everything is love. Without her, all these "forcing", "managing" are impossible, and there is no need for them in love. If there is a trusting, warm contact, it is easier for the child to perceive the demands of the parents, to fulfill his duties, and the parent does not need to use “violent methods”. And if a parent is ready to accept that these situations are not about “fix my child”, but “I may be doing something wrong,” then their relationship is improving. In therapy, the focus is changing so that the parent himself learns to hear the needs of his child, adapt to him (but not bend with permissiveness), see his difficulties, be able to help him in difficult situations when the child asks.
I know, as a mom, how difficult it is. Scrape your expectations from this relationship, close your eyes to the little things that the child does "wrong", because he is different, different from you, accept the child's emotions when you are tired and not at all in the mood. Being a parent is an everyday job, with responsibilities and responsibilities. And, you, the parents, are responsible not only for the joy, but also for the fact that you can hurt the child.
Toys, hiking to some places - this is just one of the manifestations of love. But it will never replace it completely. Remember this.
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