Born To Make You Happy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"A child is the Achilles' heel of an adult: perhaps even the one who at first glance seems to be the strongest is afraid of this truthful creature that is capable of disarming him." Françoise Dolto

Today is a holiday - Children's Day)) And I congratulate all the children and their parents!

All parents want their children to grow up happier, more successful, more prosperous than they are. And they are trying for this. They try a lot and sometimes sacrifice a lot.

And at a certain stage, they face resistance from children, their aggression, or their reluctance, apathy. And they think that something happened to the child and it is necessary to correct it))) The child to correct)

But often the point is different …

In fact, with children, the situation is like this:

When planning and dreaming about children, most people think it will be wonderful.

That the child will bring joy, laughter and fun to their family. That the child will become a ray of light, will justify their hopes and, despite all the warnings of psychologists about age-related crises, will understand the parents, if not from a half-word, then from a complete one, for sure.

And this is all because their child is desired.

And they, the parents, will definitely succeed in making their dreams come true.

After all, they will LOVE their children …

Children are always our HOPES.

Hopes born before children, sometimes even before pregnancy.

In reality, with children, the situation is like this:

The hopes that were pinned on children are beginning to fade in all parents.

Melting like ice cream on a hot day.

Because after birth, it always gets hot in the family, very hot.

"The younger generation is a force that prevents adults from feeling in imaginary security and from reproducing the same life cliches in relationships with each other." Françoise Dolto

Parents' hopes melt at different rates and for everyone in different ways.

Someone resists this melting.

Basically, he tries to push through his dreams and hopes at any cost. After all, they knew why they were giving birth to a child.

They gave birth to be happy.

Someone tries not to notice the melting, they spend less time at home and work more.

Someone is very angry about this, and vent their anger on children who did not fulfill their hopes …

In general, those who hoped that the child would bring into their lives something that they did not have enough before react differently. Happiness)

And the point is that this is the case with children, because children are

not a husband from whom you can leave by loudly slamming the door.

Children are not a job with which you can quit at any opportunity to be made redundant or of your own free will.

Children are not parents from whom you want to move out, and with a great desire and a little stress, this becomes possible.

Children are Children.

They are ill off schedule, behave

too loud, they want to eat in the wrong places, sometimes too active, sometimes too passive and do not allow them to relax.

They turn life upside down. And they deprive adults of the most important protection against anxiety - control over the situation.

You can't hide from them, you can't quit, you can't leave.

You cannot throw them away like a burned out lamp and you cannot overdid them like a boring decoration.

Therefore, it is with them that one has to feel and live the most unpleasant feelings for a person:

Despair and Helplessness and Disappointment.

Despair that your child was born by you, but he did not become an extension of you. He has a different temperament, hearing, vision, tastes and desires. That your child is less talented than you hoped and not assertive enough to achieve your goals.

Helplessness that you cannot influence it.

Disappointment that everything did not work out the way you wanted or wanted.

These feelings due to the collapse of hopes are very unpleasant, rather even unbearable. You don't want to run into them and you need to hide from them somewhere or behind something.

Therefore, a persistent conviction arises, which is formulated in different ways, seasoned with different sauces, wrapped in a wrapper acceptable to the culture, but its essence remains the same:

I BIRTH IT TO BECOME HAPPY AND JUST SO I WON'T GIVE UP.

IT SHOULD BECOME WHAT I WANT. I AM HIS MOTHER.

It is from this starting point that parents with good intentions begin to rape their own children: punish, shout, humiliate, beat, love, kiss, fulfill all whims …

Adjust "Born to make mom happy" for yourself.

To adjust, breaking everything that he has by nature and with which because of this breakdown he will no longer be able to get acquainted.

Today is Children's Day))).

I think sometimes the best thing parents can do for their children is to protect them from themselves.

From his inability to survive the horror that a child is a different person and it is his right to be a different person.

Parents can also love. But not bewitching and not punishing. Loving is a great art.

And he, like painting beautifully, writing poetry, cooking deliciously, needs to learn.

Learning to be able to love without absorbing the whole child with oneself, with one's own demands, and without dissolving in him, being absorbed by him.

We all love candy, but we limit our use. We love the sun, but we do not sit around the clock under its rays. And when the sun hides behind the clouds, we never stop loving it.

To love a child not because he is an extension of you and should become only the way you want, but to love another person in him who begins his life. To love is to stop yourself in the desire to improve your life at the expense of the child and learn to find your own resources for this.

And then the children will not have nightmares and neuroses)))) And they will have to be protected less))

Everyone knows that everything comes from the family)

There may be questions: "But how to ration, what to do when he does not obey?"

Of course, educate. To foster a culture in a child that both parents and others obey, to familiarize him with general norms, rules, to limit desires, to speak, to show by example (but if a mother cannot limit herself in her desire, can we expect this from a child?).

But do not become God for the child in his own person. Do not be exalted at the expense of him, do not hide from your disappointment and helplessness behind the back of the child.

You understand that if "something is wrong with the child," then it is not the child that needs to be "corrected", but something must be changed in the behavior of the parents, in the family. Believe me, it will be much faster, cheaper)) and, most importantly, more efficiently, more reliably, because the "corrected" children from the psychologist's office return to their mothers and fathers, who continue to do something with them the same as before.

After all, as Françoise Dolto said: "First of all, the child must stop serving as a means of self-affirmation for an adult."

The child himself cannot cope with this, he is waiting for our help)))

Psychologist Svetlana Ripka

Viber +380970718651

skype lana.psiheya