How To Cope With Your Own Aggression And Not Get Lost On A Child

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Parental aggression is still common in our society. And if even some 20-30 years ago, letting off steam on a child in the form of a slap on the bottom, shouting or parental disregard was a common occurrence and even, one might say, an absolute norm of the educational process, then modern parents, resorting to such methods, subsequently, they also reproach themselves for intemperance, feel "bad", feel guilty and beg forgiveness from children. This state of guilt and parental insecurity encourages children to behave even more unbearably (after all, it is important for babies to feel a confident adult nearby who understands what is happening and controls the situation), which again can cause irritation, anger and aggression in moms and dads. It turns out a vicious circle.

One of the very frequent questions to a psychologist in this regard: "How not to get frustrated with a child?" Let's try to figure out what is happening to us in response to some kind of "not this" behavior of children, and most importantly - how we can cope with it.

All emotions are needed, all emotions are important

To begin with, all our feelings and emotions have a place to be. Even the most unwanted and unpleasant ones! From the fact that we will accumulate them in ourselves, forbid ourselves to feel them or ignore them, they will not disappear. And yes, this is true (albeit very unpleasant for some), but our children - so beloved and so long-awaited - also evoke various unpleasant emotions and states in us: irritation, anger, anger, fear, fatigue, boredom, and the like. And this is normal and completely natural! After all, when we are so close to another living person (and a relationship with a baby is not just close - it is actually codependency), we somehow have different emotions, and not only pleasant ones. Not because children or parents are bad, but because we are all alive.

Emotional scale

It is important to understand that emotional experiences vary in intensity and severity. Suddenly, out of nowhere, strong anger or rage will not appear (unless we mean any directly life-threatening situations). Everything goes on increasing - from mild discontent to irritation, then turning into anger and even, perhaps, into anger or rage. It is necessary to learn to distinguish between the slightest shades of your emotional states, so as not to bring yourself to a "boil". And for this, you should practice awareness of your feelings and emotions, develop your emotional intelligence, pay attention to all your experiences.

We legalize our emotions

And the first answer to the question "how not to get lost?" - "do not save". And for this it is important to give vent to your emotions, to recognize them, to legalize them. There is nothing unnatural or shameful in the fact that a mother can be angry that a child for the 25th time ignores her request to put away his toys (if, of course, this request for the child is comparable with his age capabilities). And the first step to not breaking down is to honestly tell yourself and the child: "I get angry when … (insert in context)!" That is, it is important to catch on time, to realize what you feel at the moment of heat, and try to formulate this with a specific description of your state. It can be very, very difficult to keep track of right away, especially if you don't have experience of careful interaction with your emotional world. But gradually, step by step, you will be able to access your emotions by answering a simple question: "What do I feel now?" And as soon as you realize and name your emotion, the degree of heat will already subside and it will be easier for you to manage your state. After all, we cannot control what we are not aware of.

Expressing anger sustainably

So, we have already figured out that it is normal to feel different emotions. How to express them is another matter. Since the most common emotion that mothers try to suppress or forbid themselves in relation to a child is anger, it should be noted that the earlier we recognize it in ourselves (as a rule, it all starts with irritation), the less emotionally rich we will experience it. … But what to do if you have caught yourself already at the boiling point, simple awareness does not help you much and you are ready to break off? Here are some practices that you can use at the moment when you feel that you are at the limit:

1. Switching attention to your body

Usually, when we are angry at holding a child, we have one desire - for him to stop (shouting, disobeying, doing something "impossible"). At this moment, it is very important to shift the focus of attention from the child's behavior to yourself: try to switch to your body, its needs, your breathing. Feel where your anger is now, in which part of your body? What desires and needs does your body have now: maybe you are very hot and want to refresh yourself? Or is your mouth dry and need a sip of water? Take care of yourself in this moment of anger, try to shift your energy from controlling the situation / child to helping yourself. You can go to the bathroom to wash or go to the kitchen for a drink of water, go to the window and look at the sky, lie in bed in the fetal position. These few seconds of switching will give you the opportunity to get out of the situation, slightly change the angle, reduce the intensity.

2. Remember the main thing

Another practice that helps to cope with strong emotions is to remind yourself of something global, meaningful, valuable. When you are in a calm, blissful state, look at your child with love and formulate your motto - what is most important for you in motherhood, in relationships with dear people, in the family as a whole. Try to keep within a few words, this wording should be succinct and short. For example, “I choose love”, “the child will grow up one day”, “we are one family”, “relationships are above all”. Say this phrase every day to bring it to automatism. In a moment of intense irritation, say this phrase out loud, this way you engage the parts of the brain that are responsible for controlling emotions. Repeat this phrase like a mantra, completely switching your attention to what you are saying.

Looking for the real cause of irritation

When you learn to track your irritation in the smallest manifestations, try to figure out which situations are the most unsettling for you. Parents often get really angry when they feel helpless and fearful of failing to cope with their parenting function. And there are several reasons for this: mismatch of expectations and ideas about the child's age characteristics (for example, overestimated expectations regarding the control of his own emotions by the child); undeveloped parenting skills (poor repertoire of reactions to child behavior); low self-esteem in general. Well, let's not forget that the child is sometimes only the “last straw” in the emotional state of the parent - for example, the parent may actually be angry with the partner or be upset about work, and an uncleaned toy or compote spilled on the carpet is only release accumulated discontent. Therefore, in addition to differentiating your emotions, you must also look for an answer to the question: "Why am I now angry / upset / annoyed?" What is really happening to me? Who is the real culprit behind my mental anxiety? How can I help myself?

We increase our parental competence and personal awareness

Well, in order to learn to live in harmony with your feelings and emotions, you must, of course, be in contact with yourself, with your desires and needs. For this, it is important to increase your level of awareness, develop self-reflection skills, and learn the practices of emotional self-regulation. It’s unrealistic to just take it and stop being angry in one day. No matter how much you swear. But you can definitely learn to express your anger without your child getting hurt about it.

Also in parenting, knowledge about child and developmental psychology, about pedagogical techniques and techniques that help to understand how the brain and psyche of a child work, and also give the opportunity to interact with the baby so that it is effective, will be very useful. Raising a child begins with educating oneself, and this, at times, is a much more difficult task than calming a child in hysterics. But the good news is that we are definitely getting better as parents, and our changes are inevitable.