Why A Psychologist Shouldn't Give Advice

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I once wrote about why a psychologist should not give advice, unless, of course, this is an area of expertise where advice is appropriate. And now I have come to the conclusion that advice is simply bad for the client.

We are now talking about the existential decisions that a person makes in his life: to get divorced or not, to leave the country or not, to change jobs or not, to maintain relationships or not, how to live in general, and so on.

Of course, a person often asks for help precisely when these difficulties arise.

He thinks that he will turn to a psychologist, the psychologist will put everything on the shelves, or better - he will listen carefully and, being an expert, raised to the absolute, will give the right advice and make a decision for you. You just have to do the dirty work - to do it.

So, maybe one of the psychologists works like that. Me not. Why?

I'm a nerdy psychologist. I constantly ask again, I may not hear something, not understand, I double-check what the client says, asking clarifying questions. Some people get very nervous because certain things seem obvious to them, and they see no point in discussing them. And I see the point. But for me, nothing is obvious. I ask again.

It is important for me that I did not impose my vision of his situation on the client, but he told me how he sees it, with his digressions, assessments, stress marks, hesitations. After all, the meaning of the message is not in the text, but in what can be seen through the text. This is what our primary system of perception of the world tells us - the body. All the way the body behaves is the main thing in the message of a person. His posture, his gaze, his stops, breathing …

He himself does not see it, but I can see it. And ask, let's say:

- And why did you stop here, on the phrase ….. "but, I love him …" ….

The answer could be:

- I was just thinking …..

“Perhaps you are thinking for the first time in your life,” I think, but I will not say anything, and I will not make sudden conclusions that, once, I’m thinking, it means that I don’t love.

I will be in the moment here and now, as the most interesting thing will unfold further - the real life of a person in the session. If I am busy with my interpretations and judgments about how to act correctly for a person in a given situation, then I will miss the most important thing - what is behind the text, what will happen in the present.

Therefore, I try to be attentive. Yes, I also have punctures when I get carried away with the topic of the client, merge with him and share my vision. Sometimes this is appropriate, sometimes not. But I am a person and a person has different behavior, the main thing is to be aware of what exactly is happening here and now, for what reason I am doing this or that action, what is the purpose of my words. Only the ability to notice and track one's own processes will be therapeutic for the client. This is an indicator that the psychologist is attentive to the client's processes and will be able to see the present that the client brings to the session, and will not be busy with drawing up a project entitled: "How does this client live on?"

How do you go on living?

I have no idea. I don’t know how I’ll live further and I don’t know how I will be able to solve my questions, and you ask me about yours. I dont know. But I know how to hear myself and discover in myself that person who can make his own decisions, relying on his own strength, on the energy of life, on his own values, on his own determination and ability to withstand various difficulties. I know how to get to know such an inner person because I met.