Love And Hunger

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Tatiana Martynenko

Psychologist, gestalt therapist, supervisor

If a person enters into a love relationship who has received little parental love, then this is always fraught with suffering. Love is always, in a sense, a reflection of the first object relationship. In this arena, everything that once happened between a child, now sexually mature, and his first objects of love: mom and dad unfolds

And if the child has not received something important and significant in the process of growing up, then he will try to fill this hunger in his relationship with a partner.

And what is a hungry man? How does a person behave when he is very hungry? Will he eat unsuitable, or even unsuitable food, spoiled food? Why not, depending on how hungry you are. And if he hasn't tasted anything sweeter? Especially.

And now, if a very hungry child suddenly senses in a potential partner something that he lacked so much from the “ideal parent” - consider that he is doomed. Suddenly this wonderful person becomes extremely necessary, vital, longed for.

This is how addiction arises. The one with whom it is so good, and without him it is so bad, who fills the void, becomes the object of "blind love". The feeling of heady happiness, of the lost paradise next to the beloved is experienced so strongly that everything else goes into a deep background.

Often a person in love does not notice inconsistencies, inconsistencies, inconveniences, tends to ignore the fact that his needs for this contact are not being met. Hunger dulls sensitivity: the "beloved" is ready to eat with giblets. Even the reaction to rejection, neglect on his part, seems to be overwritten, smoothed out - everything is thirsty. The terror of separation triumphs over disgust.

A little later, a feeling of dissatisfaction appears, begins to grow, but even despite this, it is still scary to look at things soberly. A deeply dependent person prefers to be in a kind of fog, to be in illusions, so as not to lose the source of surrogate food.

"Hungry" vaguely understands that something is wrong with him, suffers and may even ask for help, but any attempts from the outside to bring clarity, remove rose-colored glasses only cause aggression in response. Help, in his understanding, can only be in the form of a recipe "how to change the taste of" food "- that is, requests like" do something with him "," how to make him (her) "- but so that leave this object alone and go look for another, as an option is not considered at all.

I believe that many will recognize themselves in this description: at least once in their life, but almost everyone experienced "unhappy love". But also, there are those who carry this banner throughout their lives, extremely indiscriminately choosing objects of affection for themselves.

Of course, in severe cases, psychotherapy is necessary, the efforts of which will be aimed, first of all, at filling the internal voids, gaps in the parent-child relationship. However, the person himself can and should help himself to get out of the usual pattern of behavior.

What can be done for this?

First of all, put the correct "filter". That is, focus not on what attracts and delights, but on what truly nourishes. Accordingly, you should direct your libidinal energy to those who do something good for you, who are sincerely devoted to you, and not to those who attract you with their qualities. That is, the primary should be the attitude to oneself, and not to another.

It is necessary to constantly ask oneself: is it good for me, is it comfortable, is it cozy for me in this place, with this person, what does he give me and how am I ready to thank for it.

Second, slow down. A hungry person eats very greedily, and therefore is not able to control the quantity and quality of food consumed. If you savor each "piece", carefully sniff and look closely - then there is less risk and more pleasure.

And also, perhaps, one should not be afraid of hunger. Now something is missing - it does not matter, it means it will be later. Do not grab the first thing that comes across, do not fuss - everything will happen on time! And this is not a question of faith in destiny, but of faith in yourself.

The field is rich in countless options, they surround us all the time. But a meeting with a need occurs when a person is ready for it. It's important to allow yourself to have it.

Keep the focus on yourself, your desires and needs, and then, sooner or later, you will find that you have been there for a long time, where you once dreamed, and with the one you really wanted to see next to!