We All Come From Childhood, 3 "Illness = Irresponsibility

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The beginning of this story in childhood, as well as many others. When conflicts in the family, or the negative mood of the parents, the child tied to himself and believed that the father or mother was dissatisfied with him.

Nobody explained to him that adults can experience different feelings and emotions and the reasons can be completely different, and not just good or bad behavior of the child.

Today I want to do without analysis, assessment, comments. This is done by the clients themselves in the course of the conversation. Just cases from practice.

Request: fear that it will not work out, fear that you will not cope.

-Alexey, tell us about what worries you

-Aleksey: - an alarming state, unfounded, obsessive thoughts, fear that something might happen to me, fear of death, fear of getting sick.

-I understand correctly there was some kind of situation in life, how did it all start? Let's try to remember when it started for the first time.

- Alexey: it appeared after I once lost consciousness.

-Tell me

-Aleksey: I was preparing for a competition, I did a set of exercises, then I lost consciousness and after that it all started.

-What started?

-Aleksey: anxiety, expectation of something bad, winding oneself up and fantasizing about possible negative events. This state can be described as follows: renunciation, insecurity.

- Please remember what you were before this situation and what after it.

-Aleksey: there were no obsessive thoughts, I was absolutely calm, there was more joy, carefree … And after the situation: indifference, loss of meaning, helplessness in front of the situation, not the ability to change this situation, there was a kind of numbness and more importantly, there was a feeling that I guilty in front of loved ones, gave them resentment with my state of health, I am to blame for what happened to me and it causes trouble for loved ones.

- To whom are you guilty?

- Alexey: in front of my parents, before the training, and then I had remorse that I did not justify their hopes, their expectations. not as perfect as they would have liked, let them down. I did what I shouldn't have done so as not to let them down.

- I understand correctly: your illness is something like a misdemeanor that you shouldn't have done so as not to upset your loved ones? And if you get sick, will you let them down and you can't afford it?

-Aleksey: Yes, it is very similar to this state, apparently I am very responsible, and I have some kind of increased obligation to other people.

-Remember, when did this heightened sense of responsibility arise for the first time in you and in front of what people, and in what way was it expressed?

-Aleksey: only in front of loved ones, in childhood, I needed to correspond to these people and so that they would not be ashamed of me.

- What did they expect from you?

-Aleksey: I guess so that I do the right thing and not create problems for them. I remembered that before I lost consciousness, it was spinning in my head: What would others think of me: and there was a fear that I would lose control of the situation, when I opened my eyes I felt somehow lost and as if I let someone down or, more precisely, I could fail if the disease dragged on or led to disastrous consequences.

-Does this fear come out is not connected with your condition, but with how it will affect others? How does illness relate to your fear of not creating problems? How did you feel at that moment? What have I done or have done?

-Aleksey: fear of the consequences of what may happen next and I feel like an irresponsible person in that moment.

-I understand correctly: disease comes out = irresponsibility? And if I have not done what is expected of me, then what am I?

-Alexei: something like this, I feel oppressed if I did not meet the expectations of others, that is, I could not overcome any obstacle, the bar, so I feel like a failure. I do it differently from what is expected of me and this is a portrait of an insecure person, a loser, this person is not decisive and he is a coward.

- Apparently this person considers it special if he has expectations that he will be able to do everything. … Is it possible to always correspond to others, and always please everyone? Perhaps you had similar feelings once in your childhood?

-Aleksey: when my parents wanted to divorce and I then thought that I was the reason for this, and tried to behave correctly, just so that a divorce would not occur. At first I cried and begged them, and then I decided to be nice so that they would not get divorced.

- Do I get it right? and then I took responsibility for the parents' relationship on myself, concluding that if I do not upset and disturb them, give them trouble, then they will live together?

-Alexey- yes.

- Do you understand that if 2 adults enter into a relationship, they can already give an account of their actions or still not? and even if the parents did not agree and still decided to divorce, would I be able to influence it? how can a small person (child) influence the relationship of adults and in what way?

-Aleksey: I think no, he can't. It was then that the habit of controlling the situation, of myself, of behaving so as not to let my parents down, in order to prevent an event that would hurt me, developed.

-Do you know what is the difference between feelings of guilt and shame in contrast to other feelings? in both cases, this is a kind of shifting of responsibility onto another person. for example: you are to blame for the fact that I do not have this … or that I am now experiencing or shame, how are you not ashamed to behave like that.. why should I be ashamed of other people's feelings or states? and why do I need this responsibility for other people's feelings? Alexey, what conclusions can you draw after our conversation?

Alexey: Conclusions: I have a dependence on other people's opinions and expectations, I consider myself too responsible before the feelings and actions of other people. and if I lead someone, then immediately remorse arises. and this event from childhood is already reflected in relationships with other people, I began to feel somehow limited, began to compare myself with others, compete, compete, take offense, if I can't do it because of others, instead of actual actions, I think how it will look from the outside.