Divorce Due To The Presence Of Scenario Games In The Relationship (4)

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

People who are hooked on a scandal and are prone to scenario games usually part for a long time and painfully. First, the "drug addiction" of the scandal requires more and more new doses, and why look for another supplier of the potion, if there is already a familiar supplier at hand. Second, the cyclical nature of the game presupposes not only a period of scandals, but also a phase of understanding and happiness: these scandals seem to cancel out periods of happiness. And thirdly, lovers have time to get used to each other, and parting with a very close and dear person is not so easy, because in moments of happiness and scandal, the abyss of both their own and someone else's soul opens up in front of them. In addition, love chemistry can feed not only on the energy of happiness, but also on the juices of suffering and anger.

We continue to consider, using the example of the story of Igor and Masha, the dynamics of the development of relationships in love couples. Previous articles discussed the effect of "age regression" immediately following the emergence of "love chemistry", then discussed the manifestation of childhood trauma and scenario games in love relationships. Now we have reached the stage of divorce.

The story of the divorce of Igor and Masha

We will skip several cycles of promotion of the scenario game in which Igor and Masha were involved. We will only recall that with each new turn of the game, the scandals become more and more severe, and the lovers exchange ever stronger accusations with each other, fall into deeper and deeper resentments.

At first, Masha simply accused Igor of the fact that instead of coming up with interesting stories and making common plans with her, he sprays his fun into jokes for other girls. Then she began to be jealous of both his male friends and girls. In the Machine Speech, tense and picky phrases began to sound more and more often, she, like Igor's mother, could begin to elicit from him why he was doing this, why he spends all evenings at the parties of his girlfriends and friends.

At some point, Masha bothered Igor so much with her causeless jealousy that, in a heat of resentment and anger, supported by a drunken frenzy, he really slept with one of his friends. Igor's company disliked Masha for her tediousness and for the fact that she constantly endures the brains of their friend. Therefore, one of "these girls" told Masha, out of friendship, that Igor had slept with Christina and, perhaps, they were having a secret affair.

Igor's real betrayal brought the relationship between him to the limit. Then came tears of repentance and oaths of allegiance, on the one hand, and the joy of forgiveness, on the other. The idyll was cut short by a new round of scandals, in which the topic of treason had already served as the "trump card" in accusations.

At the next stage, at a time when both were in a state of mental and physical exhaustion, an agreement was made about parting or trying to live apart. Having decided to leave, like civilized people, Igor and Masha agreed to meet on neutral territory in a cafe and discuss the details of the divorce.

The conversation turned out to be very warm and sincere, they reached a deep understanding of each other. They realized that they have different characters and it is better for them not to live together, but to remain friends. Igor went to accompany Masha to her parents' house, crossing a puddle, Igor gave Masha his hand, cutting off a corner through the park, Igor threw his jacket over Masha. And in the end, the evening ended with violent sex on a hard and uncomfortable bench in a remote corner of the park. Then Igor took Masha by taxi to his home.

There were several more such radical breakups in their history. During the period of another quarrel and "real breakup" Igor again accidentally met with Christina, she took him to her dacha, where Igor spent a couple of happy and calm days, without scandals and clarification of the relationship. The next weekend, Igor opened the doors to Christine to his wounded soul. She turned out to be very sensitive and understanding. Igor brought the cars to her parents when she was not at home.

Did Igor and Masha have a chance to save their relationship?

At this stage, the relationship can be very difficult to save. Both the psyche and the mind of both lovers turn out to be extremely shattered, they lose faith not only in their partner, but also in themselves. Probably, this is how a drug addict feels when he realizes that he is seriously addicted to a needle. But only in this case, a scenario game and dependence on a scandal act as a drug, so that the lovers no longer have their strength to save the relationship.

Men rarely seek help from psychologists. Male friends, after hearing a couple of times heartbreaking stories about a friend's family life, usually declare: "Give up this bitch!" …

Girls are much more likely to reach psychologists, they intuitively do not trust either friends or girlfriends. If the psychologist works in the mode of "living his experiences" and "closing incomplete gestalts", then during the first sessions the girl again plunges into the atmosphere of violent scandals, but not in reality, but in the mode of memories. Returning home after the session, she tries to convey to her partner the revelations that she heard from the psychologist. This conversation very often ends with a scandal on duty. But only now the young man already gets the right to accuse her of "letting a stranger into their relationship" and of "she puts him in front of a psychologist as a complete asshole." The offer to go to a psychologist together is followed by a harsh refusal.

Rescue from scenario play and other destructive social games is most easily accomplished by teaching a person the skills of interpersonal reflection (understanding what is happening in the relationship, understanding the mechanics of starting the game, and identifying the triggers that trigger the game).

With addiction to scandals, as with many other addictions, the situation is more complicated, since strong destructive trances are involved in this, one has to work both with the psyche and with consciousness (trance is an altered state of consciousness).

The problem is aggravated by the fact that lovers have the ability to induce in each other the mental states they need. Roughly speaking, if a young man who has started working with a psychologist of a girl needs another dose of scandal, then he is able to very easily provoke her to the actions he needs. In addition, when people involved in a social game feel that their partner begins to make attempts to slip out of the game, hysterics and panic can happen to them: they begin to think that their partner is trying to leave them, after all, whatever you may say, but the game is - that's what holds them together.

The sooner people who feel that scandals begin to penetrate their relationship turn to a psychologist, the easier it is to get them out of destructive games. The sooner they notice that the game begins to eat up their proximity, the easier it is to pull them out of this captivity.

I will talk about the methods of forming the skills of reflection of interpersonal relations and mastering it, as well as about the methods of "reflexive psychology", in subsequent articles. In this case, it is worth mentioning that in such situations it is necessary not to immerse a person even deeper into his experiences and into his psyche, but, as it were, to “pull him out of the psyche” to the level of awareness and reasonable discussion.

The fact is that the psyche in the course of destructive games and scandals suffers much more than the mind. The human psyche sometimes turns out to be torn to shreds, and the mind and consciousness only plunge into a state of destructive trance. You've probably noticed that in a work situation, when communicating with colleagues, a person can maintain his sanity while in his soul there is a complete frustration.

See articles on different stages in the dynamics of family relationships:

This article belongs to a series of articles on the phenomenon of "age regression" in love relationships, as well as on the mechanism of "scenario games" that sometimes happen in love and family relationships.