Teenager. Difficulties In Growing Up. Part 4

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Dear Readers, I am concluding my four-part series on how difficult it can be for our children to become adults; about the difficulties they face and how we can help them go this way - to reach out when they ask, and to support unnoticed when they are silent.

Problems, problems, problems. They are different: complex and simple, funny and serious (yes, just funny - my son, at one time, in the third grade, got into the habit of forgetting his portfolio at school and said that he was lazy to go after it - it was funny for me). And to each of us, our problems certainly seem more worthy of attention than others. And we must remember from the previous article - the problems are not equal. But today the article will be about something else - today about how not to panic, how to get together and how to approach the problem, whatever it may be (of course, if we are not talking about a threat to life and health, then other actions are needed).

All difficult situations that arise between children and parents are unique. Of course, you will not find a solution to all your problems here. But, perhaps, the material presented below will help you not to get confused and act in the right direction.

The first thing you should do when you find yourself in a dead end is to divide the problem into parts and solve each of them separately. Sometimes, solving three simple problems is easier than solving one difficult one. Especially considering that our teenagers do not like to bother - everything should be as simple and intelligible as possible.

Here are three simple questions that will need to be answered in the process of solving one "difficult" problem:

1. When did the situation get out of hand?
2. What to do to improve the situation?
3. What to do to achieve what you want?

And now let's delve into each issue separately.

Step 1. When did the situation get out of hand?

This question allows you to narrow your search. It is enough to realize that there is a moment when the situation has changed and has ceased to suit the parties to the conflict. Now there is no longer a global problem and we are looking for something specific, most likely lying on the surface. If there is a misunderstanding with the child, you need to quickly clarify the situation.

Suppose it is impossible to influence the youth culture, where there is a place for alcohol consumption and foul language. But it is possible to influence a teenager who came drunk and later than the set time. It's important to consider the little things here and try to find what you can influence. The answer to the question should be formulated briefly - in a couple of sentences.

At this stage, we are trying to figure out what is going on with our teenager. Perhaps we are faced with natural problems of puberty. Perhaps the processes taking place in the child's brain during this period prevent him from controlling behavior. This is described in the first part of the article ….. Or maybe your teenager tests you for strength, using his arsenal of manipulations described in the second part of the article … … And, most likely, there will be several reasons. These are the steps of growing up. In any case, adolescents are emotional, and not always able to explain why they did this or that. And in the previous parts of the article, you can find more than one reason for the problem.

But our first step is to find the key moment. So when did the situation get out of hand?

Kostya, 14 years old, part 1

Mom brought Kostya. They quarreled a lot and very often due to the fact that Kostya did not take the orders and advice of his mother at all. He was rude and lied. But the last straw was coming home after midnight for several days in a row. It was from this moment that serious quarrels began.

According to my mother, at first she tried not to pay attention to rudeness, the main thing for her was to convey her opinion to her son, who did not want to listen and went to his room. But she wanted the best, because her advice is important, and mom followed Kostya and continued more persistently. Then the son exploded, he shouted and once even pushed his mother out the door.

“And now also these parties“after midnight”- she finished her story.

"Kostya, do you think these late returns home are normal?"

“Probably not,” he said with a sigh.

"What makes you raise your voice to your mother, why can't you listen to her?"

“Because I’m tired of these endless rules and instructions - do this, do that, this is possible, this is not possible…” - he simply seethed with indignation.

So when did the situation get out of hand? So, the situation has escalated for two reasons. Firstly, the opinions of Kostya and his mother regarding the rules established in the house did not strongly coincide. Secondly, each of them thought that by increasing the volume, they would convey their opinion or objection to each other.

Step 2. What to do to improve the situation?

Parents often freeze in indecision, not knowing how to solve the problem that has arisen. They want to get a positive result faster, try to explain the child in a good and bad way, but in the chaos that has come, they lose hope. It seems that no solutions can be found.

The problem is that parents, not understanding how to bring the situation to a positive result and solve the whole problem, stop. Let's remember the first part of the article again: we take small practical steps and do not stop making decisions.

It doesn't matter whether you know how to solve the whole problem or not, the main thing is to figure out how to fix the situation right now, in the present moment. This can be surprisingly easy. Then, when the tension of the conflict subsides a little, you can repeat the first and second steps, and see if you can fix something else.

This simple question is "What to do to improve the situation?" - helps to move forward even in seemingly hopeless cases. I can say that you almost never reach the ideal, but, most definitely, you will achieve something better than your original state.

Kostya, 14 years old, part 2

"What can be done to improve the situation?" - a question for both parties to the conflict.

“Let my mother not come to me with her moralizing, I’m not small,” Konstantin blurted out immediately.

Mom didn’t answer right away, she thought: “I don’t want us to shout at each other, and I want to go to bed on time, and not sit and wait for my son to decide to return home.” I will note that my mother did great - she spoke about her feelings and desires.

“This means that if Kostya had returned home on time, and his mother had given less advice, there would have been less screams and arguments. It would be a little better than it is now, wouldn't it?"

Both agreed with this.

So, the main thing is simplicity. We are not trying to change the world, and we are not changing anyone's personality. We do not even try to turn our child into a mature and reasonable person in an instant. No. It's just that the mother should be able to go to bed on time, and the son should have personal space without moralizing.

Our aspirations are extremely simple.

Step 3. What to do to achieve what you want?

Several years ago, after finishing the construction of a house, I needed to sow 10 acres of lawn. My lawn is beautiful now. It makes us happy in good weather and saves us from dirt in the rain. But then…

A huge truck with earth appeared in front of my house. A serious driver with a mustache, Taras Bulba, dumped the contents of the truck at my gate, also exposing several bags of lawn grass seeds. He slipped me two invoices to sign, and left. I was terrified. The mountain towered above the fence. A beautiful black land with an abundance of peat and worms, it was immediately attacked by wagtails and sparrows. At that moment, I thought - if only they ate it all, otherwise I would die in these jobs before reaching my pension, which has now been postponed for another eight years. With such thoughts, without taking a shovel that day, I went to bed.

The next morning, an assistant appeared, suggested to me by my acquaintances. He was a pretty skinny guy. All right, - I thought, - we will die together. But, it was not so, he deftly loaded the earth into the wheelbarrows and poured it in slides over the site. Looking at his stormy activity, it was embarrassing to just look - after all, he was only an assistant, and I was in charge.

We, of course, worked for more than one day. But this boy planned everything so skillfully: he carries the earth - I level it with a rake, he sows it - I water it. The site was divided into small zones, and we were moving so deftly and quickly towards the intended goal that my mother suggested that we organize a brigade contract and go to earn money by planting a lawn.

The job was done in a few days. If I were alone, I probably would have sat staring at a pile of dirt, feeling sorry for myself and trying to come up with a steep plan for planting a lawn without any effort. But now, looking out the window, I saw - the job was done! I learned two lessons from this story: first, mountains need to be moved gradually, one wheelbarrow at a time, and second, which I realized later, I hate lawn mowing.

So it is with children, when you are trying to solve one big problem, act by dividing it into parts. One car - one conversation - one step. Then there is a chance for success! Looks very simple, but who said it wouldn't work.

Take, for example, an athlete with a great torso and muscular muscles. All this is achieved by daily exercise, day after day, in small steps. And not a single butt lotion or magic pill will give you firm buttocks the next day.

And remember, discipline is more important than motivation in your progress towards your goal.

Kostya, 14 years old, part 3

So, we are faced with a mismatch in the views of mom and Kostya. Mom wanted to raise a wonderful son, and guided by her life experience, she tried to tell Konstantin how he should act in certain situations, her advice seemed important and necessary to her mother in life. So it was, of course, it was. But, as we can guess, Kostya did not think so. And when there was too much advice per unit of time, he decided to retire. But the advice overtook Constantine and in the place of his solitude. And then he lost his temper. The conflict flared up with renewed vigor. And of course, in order to prove his adulthood, the son began to return home late in the evenings, which further added fuel to the fire.

So what will we do to avoid scandals, so that Kostya comes home earlier, and mom teaches less about life?

We did this. We found out what rules exist in the family and what they relate to. It turned out that there were a lot of rules, and they touched everything in the world. This is not surprising, because my mother raised Kostya alone, she worked, and Konstantin, I must admit, is a rather independent guy, spent all the time after school alone at home or attended the sports section. What to eat, what to wear, where to put things, rules if you have invited a friend, rules if you yourself go to visit, films recommended for viewing for general development and films not recommended, etc. And, of course, there was an explanation for all the rules. You understand that the explosion was inevitable.

Guided by Principle 4 from the third part of the article, we have chosen three basic rules - do not be rude, say where you are going and with whom and return home at the agreed time. As simple as that. The fewer the rules, the fewer scandals.

Next, we used Principle 7. Kostya shouldn't create problems for my mom … He had to come home on time - this is one of the rules. If the rule was violated, then the mother could go into the son's room and pick up any thing he needed. It could be a game console joystick, dumbbells, or even garments. And then it became Kostya's problem. If the rules ceased to be violated, mom could return all things or one, by agreement.

And of course principle 5 - points of contact … This is extremely important. We decided that Kostya and his mother would try to watch a film "not recommended for viewing" by their mother together and discuss the result.

Of course, all of the above was agreed by the parties in the negotiations.

What to do to achieve what you want?

In order to reach a mutually beneficial agreement, mother and son had to agree on acceptable norms of behavior.

Mom needed to establish rules, according to the principle "not too soft, but not too hard", there should be few of them and they should be simple. After all, we, adults, understand that a child needs showhow to live and be happy, not tell about it. Numerous tips and restrictions, alas, will not be effective.

In exchange for a reduction in control and the number of rules in force, Constantine had to fulfill only three conditions. He had to know what would happen if his behavior did not comply with the terms of the agreement, what the punishment would be and when it would be applied.

When boundaries are set, we stick to them, and we know what will happen if we break them.

You are a psychologist for your family! Try to think of your family as a system, as a mechanism in which, if you fix or replace one gear, you can maintain the entire mechanism in working order, and maybe even its well-coordinated work.

For example, you cannot change what is going on in your offspring's head, but once you understand what is going on, you can change your reaction to it. Your behavior is under your control, because you are an adult. And if your child sees an unfamiliar reaction to his actions (or inactions), then his response may change.

All you have to do to change a system that doesn’t suit you is to change the behavior and actions of one person: your actions.

Most likely you are not satisfied with the prospect of being a family psychologist, but rest assured that if you live with a family, you already are. You vigilantly follow the development of events, try to understand what is happening in the family and why. You support and advise, you mediate in negotiations, you surrender or gain victories. You try to see the causes of conflicts and, after that, do not repeat mistakes. And so it always happens, day after day, more or less often.

And to make it easier for you, you should step aside and, as if from afar, look at the situation. One should try to see how different events lead to other events. Most likely, it will become clear to you which parts of your family system need adjustment.

You are the best and most dedicated psychologists your family can have!

But it happens that even the best psychologist needs a supervisor - and that's when it is necessary to seek professional advice.

All the best! Be on the same wavelength with your children!