2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Anna collapsed onto the bed and clutched her head. Another weekend passed, and again she did not manage to do almost anything that she wanted. At the same time, I was terribly tired and felt exhausted. She reproached herself from childhood with the usual words: "Lazy!", "Well, who is to blame for you ?!".
So another weekend passed … and another … and a few more years …
Anna felt like a squirrel in a wheel. She is always busy with something, all the time running somewhere, all the time doing something … She does not have time to rest, she gets terribly tired. But on your own to-do list, entries are crossed out very slowly.
Anna really was a squirrel in the wheel … of other people's lives. Either she helped relatives, then fulfilled the request of a colleague, then saved her friend from the next troubles, then in a hurry she put things in order, because someone unexpectedly gathered to visit her, or simply because "it is necessary" … In a relationship, she also constantly did what something for a man, receiving nothing in return.
As soon as she was going to do something of her own - "beep-beep" - a message came to some messenger with a request to do something or "talk urgently." Well, if it's urgent, then okay. The affairs of others seemed urgent, important, and their own, as it were, could be postponed, especially if it concerned something personal or creative. She will always have time to raise, this is so, for pleasure, but here is an urgent problem for a person.
In the family, little Anya has always been "already big". "You are already big - you have to help your mother", "You are already big - you have to do the cleaning", "You are already big - you have to look after your younger brother and help him with his lessons", "You are already big - go sit with your grandmother (grandmother after a stroke was not herself, she constantly needed someone to whom she could tell something) "…
As soon as Anya wanted to play, draw or just sit quietly alone, her mother called her and asked her to do something - with the words "You can always play, but now go get busy."
"Should … should … should …" Anya always owed something to someone, had to do something for someone, or just listen. Both affairs and feelings were thrown onto her, which they could not or did not want to cope with on their own. She catered to the physical and emotional needs of other people, but did not have time to live her life.
On Saturday night, Anna returned home, as usual tired, and saw on the table a full cup of cold coffee and a spread cake, on which a fat fly was crawling. She ran to the bathroom - she vomited.
On Friday night, after receiving an award at work for a successfully closed neighborhood, Anna bought herself vanilla coffee beans and an expensive cream cake to enjoy Saturday morning goodies.
Now she looked at it all and cried. Even a fly has the ability to devour her cake, but she does not. In the morning, as soon as she sat down at the table, she was ripped off by some kind of bell, and she forgot about her delicious breakfast.
Resentment, deep and bitter resentment …
She was replaced by anger …
"Anh, listen, there is such a thing …". A message came from a friend. Anna looked at the embroidery, which had already begun, six months ago, which had already become dusty, to which she had approached a second before this message. She felt angry and even disgusted with her friend. But I felt a sense of guilt when I thought that she would refuse her now and go about her business. Anger and disgust intensified.
This time Anna chose to help her friend. But she was annoyed all the time. And when I came home, I felt as if she had betrayed herself. And she burst into tears.
She was scared to refuse people. After all, then they will stop loving her, leave her, she will be left alone … And also, when she did something for others, she felt her value and significance. And yet - she seems to be very important, since she is so busy all the time and helps others.
But the feeling of resentment, anger, injustice and betrayal eventually outweighed oneself. Anna slowly began to refuse others and prefer her own affairs.
Indeed, many of her entourage stopped communicating with her. But Anna did not feel the loss, she felt only relief. It turned out that in these relations she did not receive anything, only gave. And now she has more energy and time for herself. And over time, new people appeared in her environment, to whom she "owed" nothing.
Fragment from the collection "Codependency in its own juice". You may also be interested in the book "What do we confuse love with, or Love is this" - about the illusions and traps in codependency and about the model of healthy relationships. Books are available on Liters and MyBook.
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