2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Often before the divorce proceedings there is a question, does the child need to talk about the divorce, or if we say, how? Psychology has a definite answer - to speak! Silence and secrecy on the part of adults leads to the development of mistrust, the formation of fears, an increase in anxiety due to a lack of understanding of the situation.
At what age can a child be informed of a divorce? It all depends on the age and presentation of information. A 3-year-old child can be told that "dad will no longer live with us, but he will come to visit his grandmother, and you will definitely see him, go for a walk, play and spend the holidays." A kid at this age does not yet think about the concepts of "husband and wife", for him there are only "mom and dad" and relationships with them. The older the child is, the more honest and frank information about the upcoming divorce should be, but there is no need to go into details that are denigrating and discrediting the other parent. In any case, a fairly frank, albeit difficult conversation helps to build trust and emotional ties between the parent and the child.
As a rule, such a conversation should be conducted by the parent with whom the children will remain, and not by the one who leaves. It is necessary to allocate enough time to slowly, without cramming the conversation, to answer all possible questions. It can be a walk in the park or at a table in a cafe after watching a movie together in a cinema. In a word, the child should not have negative associations and bitter "aftertaste" after an unpleasant, difficult and sad conversation. You can focus on your future life or planning some family events. For example, traveling to the sea, celebrating his birthday, looking for a new hobby and passion for a new sport. The child just needs to understand and feel that his life does not collapse, but becomes different.
Usually one conversation on this topic is enough, if it was serious and exhaustive. You cannot turn this topic into an endless "serial", but you also cannot deny the child the answers that may arise after understanding the situation or receiving new information from the outside. In any case, the parent's tone should be friendly, patient, gentle and confident. Arm yourself with the rule of three “nos”, formulated on the typical mistakes of divorcing parents, and you will never lose respect, trust, understanding and support for a child in such a difficult situation as divorce.
1. IT IS FORBIDDEN blame the spouse with the child! For whom he is still a beloved dad, and not a bad husband.
2. IT IS FORBIDDEN blame other relatives for this situation! For example: "If your beloved grandmother had not covered her father, everything would have been different …"
3. IT IS FORBIDDEN blame the child himself for what happened. Manipulations, such as, "You behaved badly, that's why dad left us" are irreparable harm to the child's weak psyche!
So, if, nevertheless, you inevitably come to a divorce, try to minimize the already negative consequences for the child, do not be silent! Silence is a time bomb that will explode sooner or later. And the expectations for the child are more painful than the experiences that accompany that very first conversation. Teach and help your child voice their fears and doubts, express their feelings in words and provide mutual support to each other!
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