2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Mom, just love me …
💗And I will give up my desires, I will cease to feel anything except what you want. My body will become insensitive, dead, accepting everything without disgust, anger and pain …
And I will remember that the other is more important than me, that I have to endlessly try, not to contradict, not to argue, to adjust, to guess, not to get angry. My heart, my life is for another, solely so that this person is happy …
💗And I will remain forever a little helpless child, like a blind kitten that cannot cope without you will not survive. Every attempt to move away will knock me down with diseases, phobias, panic attacks …
💗And I will be sure that I am not smart enough, capable, beautiful, talented, good … I will run faster and faster, without stopping, to become better. Exhausting your body, destroying your soul …
💗 And I will not marry, I will not create a family, because without me your life will lose its meaning, you have lived only by me for so long …
💗 And I will marry and give you my children, my husband, my life, you will still be the most important …
💗And I will take the whole world into my own hands. All his worries, difficulties. I'll grow up so early that you can lean on me, pour, like into a garbage can, your feelings into a little heart, especially sadness and bitterness. I will protect you in front of dad, I will preserve your marriage, I will replace your man …
💗And I will allow the world to rape me, beat, insult, humiliate, ignore, manipulate, use … After all, I deserve it, just by my very existence …
💗And I will stop needing you, I will learn that you can only rely on yourself, that you cannot trust anyone. Even in a dream, worrying about that, God forbid, you can not do something, make a mistake, stumble …
💗And I will allow you to control my every inhalation and exhalation. I will always be under surveillance. Since others know exactly what I want, what I need, who I should be …
And I will be strong, persistent, hiding deeply, deeply my vulnerability, squeezing my body so tightly that the vertebrae twist and break. I will forget how to ask for help and support, having made an iron shield out of shame …
💗And I will cling to the other, catch up, ask, beg, so that they do not abandon me. Giving all of yourself without a trace, just not to the emptiness of loneliness …
💗And I will crash to smithereens about rejection, non-reciprocity, dislike. It is unsuccessful to seek the ideal, running barefoot at night from intimacy …
Mom, I’ll come up with many ways, just not to lose hope that you will love me someday …
You will love it the way I want it …
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