2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Usually this question is asked from the position of “How not to lose a partner?”: “Suddenly I will agree too early and the partner will think badly of me or just“take advantage”and leave?”, “What if I will pull too long and the partner will lose interest in me?”.
I propose to look at this question from the position of “How not to lose yourself?”.
What is sex for you?
A physical manifestation of love? Just pleasure that doesn't require deep emotional intimacy? Something other?
The speed of emotional convergence is different for everyone. Physical rapprochement - too. Attitudes towards sex can also vary. And it is not a question of what is right and what is wrong. This is the question "What is right for you?"
As in the case of any other form of contact (conversation, teamwork, etc.), it is necessary that both are comfortable in sexual contact. So that everyone has a desire and readiness. Own sincere desire to have sex with this particular person. And not just a tacit agreement on the verge of "tolerate" or even more so beyond violence against oneself.
It is worth asking yourself questions:
* "Do I have enough trust in this person?" It's not about agreeing to unprotected sex. And about the fact that the body cannot relax and accept affection if the partner causes anxiety, alertness or unpleasant feelings. When a person is still completely “alien”, as a rule, the body tenses when trying to make physical contact.
* "How does my body react to this person?" Is there an impulse for drawing closer, is there relaxation in the body, excitement? Or do you want to move away, there is tension in the body, no signs of excitement?
* "Is it comfortable enough to discuss sexual matters with this person?" Will it be comfortable to say that you don't like something and ask for what you want.
* "Is there any reason to believe that a person will be attentive, sensitive and careful?" For example, if in ordinary communication a person is not ready to hear a partner, accept his requests, does not show enough respect, says nasty things, interrupts all the time or behaves selfishly, then it is difficult to imagine that he will turn out to be a good lover.
* "Do we see sex the same way?" This question is quite possible to discuss how. In order not to be tormented by the question "Does this mean the beginning of a relationship or what is now between us?"
* "Do we agree on contraception issues?" For example, if one of the partners insists on contact without a condom, but for the other it is unacceptable, then this is a clear mismatch. By the way, asking to show the test results for STDs or suggesting to get tested together and only after confirming health to move to physical intimacy is also normal.
* “How will I feel if after sex the relationship will not develop? What will I do in this case? Do I agree to sex now because I want it for myself, or deep down I hope that sex will give more chances for the development of relationships?”. Yes, in the real world, we sometimes face deception - a partner can play a show of love for the sake of sex, and then disappear. Sometimes something changes and the relationship just doesn't work out. If we are mentally prepared for such a turn of events and take this into account, then it is not so painful to fall afterwards. Then we enter into sexual intimacy because we really want it, and we get pleasure, which is valuable in itself, even if the relationship did not work out later.
Then there is no question “What date is on?”, Then the question turns inward, “Do I have desire and readiness now? regardless of the opinions of other people.
You might be interested in the books " What do we confuse love with, or is Love" and " Codependency in its own juice"Books are available on Liters and MyBook."
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