2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
As practice shows, everything that we have inside is also outside. In other words, if there is any imbalance in your inner world, you will meet toxic people poisoning your life. However, there is also a positive moment in this - it is thanks to such situations that you will be able to "settle" your inner world and weed out all the weeds (or you will not be so painful to perceive this weeds). Each of us is surrounded by many people with different characters, and one of them touches you more. If you understand that a person is toxic, you cannot distance yourself from him, break off relations or perceive all attacks in your direction differently, you should ask yourself - why is this happening?
You don't know what to rely on within yourself. You have no inner confidence in your strengths and capabilities. Your confidence in life relies solely on some external factors - someone said that life is bad, and you believed it (for example, you were told that Vasya was spoiling your life, and you ended up breaking off relations with him), not checking on their own experience through their feelings. Having fallen under the influence of a toxic person who sees only a nightmare from all sides, you "eat" his words, because you do not turn inside your consciousness ("How do I relate to my friend?", "I like this dress?"). Listen to yourself!
You don't respect yourself. Lack of self-esteem allows other people to violate your boundaries, worldview, and treat you disrespectfully.
You have never experienced a normal, good, respectful attitude towards yourself from others. Probably, criticism, devaluation, condemnation, negative attitude towards you was accepted in your family, or you could perceive this negative to a greater extent than positive moments. Quite often there are situations when the psyche concentrates on the negative, although in childhood there was a lot of positive, and now it seems to ask to close this gestalt (if a person takes the blame, it means that he did something wrong, and he wants to prove to others - "No! I'm good! I'm correct!"). It may be different - you want to change the person who occupies an important position in your life, so that he becomes good, attentive, and knows how to appreciate. Another option is that you had a good and kind relationship, but you did not learn to rely on them, they did not become a resource for you. All previously received negative overlapped this stock. In this case, getting into the funnel of criticism and condemnation, remember a resource person in your life who could now support (perhaps you can remember words of support or a confident, firm look) - this will help you not to fall into a relationship with a toxic person every time.
You tend to idealize and devalue. Toxic people at the beginning of a relationship are almost perfect - they look after beautifully, speak beautifully, but then change 180 degrees. This behavior is mainly typical for people with some kind of addiction (alcoholism, gambling, drug addiction) or a weak psyche. At one point, they play the role of a strong person, and then they show shameful weakness and push you to this - as a result, you go through the process of idealization and then devaluation, and you cannot get out of this funnel. Why? A whole picture has formed in your mind - this person was beautiful, and he really is beautiful, I believe in this, you just need to remove this husk of depreciation and criticism, and then I will get to the ideal that he was at the very beginning. However, keep in mind that at the beginning of the relationship, the person simply did not reveal his real self to you.
You tend to fall into a merging relationship, a codependent relationship. Relatively speaking, when meeting a person, on the third day you are already completely merging into his life, walk hand in hand with each other everywhere, constantly correspond and call each other. Not having time to get to know a person, get to know him better, evaluate according to your criteria how much he suits you, you melted into this relationship. And in this case, this is a toxic person or a narcissist, a psychopath or a sadist, you will perceive any action through the prism of your love (“I love this person so much! How can I leave him now?”). And here again there is an acute issue of the ability to distance a little at the initial stages of a relationship, to look closely at a person.
On all these points, you can work on yourself - carefully analyze your behavior and words, improve something inside, review actions, attitudes, trauma. The more you become aware of yourself, the more opportunities you will have to enter into relationships with healthy people, you will be able to be more selective in your relationships, you will be able to choose what distance to establish with this person.
It is not necessary to end the relationship if the partner you have been living with for 5-10 years is toxic. First of all, analyze the reasons - what influenced the fact that you got into this relationship? This step is important for you - it is your growth and psychological development. Look for ways to distance yourself so that you are comfortable, not taking this person so deeply and painfully.
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