About Trauma Or Grief From Love

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Although a regular cause of developmental trauma is a lack of love for a child, most of us have encountered traumatics loved by our parents and other family members, but here you go …

In such cases, I recall the pages from the novel by James Clavell "Tai-Peng", where the heroine talks about how she got such small legs. Not themselves, of course, did. This was the custom of the Chinese medieval aristocracy, and it multiplied the value of women in their society. Because it is absolutely impossible to pretend that you have small legs and impersonate an aristocrat - this is a consistent work of many years.

Girls began to bandage their feet to slow down their growth. And if only bandaged - the foot was cut across and bandaged in this form. What happened in the end - such a small hoof, these women themselves, without the support of the maids, and often could not walk. They waddled around the house in special shoes and bandages up to the knee. They certainly could not run away from the man and from the house. The hero of the novel, a European, is horrified while listening to the story. And the heroine, who shed a sea of tears and lived through kilotons of pain during the whole process, believes that everything is fine, and it should have been, since she was born an aristocrat.

This is what happens when raising a "special" child, with systematic violence against his nature, one way or another, the holy confidence that it will be better and will benefit the child himself and the steadfastness, inexorableness of the elders in this, no matter how you ask or cry - they know better, and then only the belief that it was necessary, their justification.

I have seen people who are very talented by nature, brought up in such a way as musicians, dancers, adherents of sects, finally.

From the outside, it can really look beautiful, even harmonious - they adapted to the trauma as it developed, developed with it in an embrace.

How is this different from a freak raised in a barrel-vessel? Yes, precisely by the fact that we were consistently and inexorably engaged in this, investing in the created maximum attention, control over the process and - love. Yes, love. mixed heavily on the unshakable belief that it will be better for the child this way. That one needs to suffer now, and that the adult himself is also tormented by these tears, but that the end not only justifies the means, but is worth it all.

It also becomes clear why in some families some children grow up to be traumatic and others quite healthy. And they injure just those in whom they invest more, whom they do more in order to make them more beautiful. And those at whom they gave up are such Ivanushki-fools for themselves - and remain unharmed. It seems to me that sometimes children deliberately pretend to be dumber than they are, in order to avoid the fate of transforming a beautiful marvel with small legs.

Discussions about what love is and whether it was real in those families and cultures is not necessary here, from what I saw, people really loved their offspring as best they could with all their might. Only these forces were spent partly on this work with the daily bandaging of the legs … The belief that their efforts were necessary for a better future was terrible.

People raised in this way are not ugly at all, they are often very beautiful and well versed in their art or whatever was inculcated in them. Unless they broke down in adolescence and drank themselves as adults.

Only these little legs always hurt, and it is impossible to run on them. Just walk, and then carefully. Therefore, it is better not to expect a special speed of changes from those who are in therapy in this form - well, they cannot run. And everything else can, often better than many others. Because in their life there was true love - a terrible force. Combined with faith, it is really scary.