2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
One wise man said: "You cannot enter the same river twice. But you can step on the same rake three times."
Can. And these "rakes" are especially clearly visible in cases about which it is customary to say: "Unhappy love …"
- I was thrown …..- tears, a spasm in the throat. The face is covered with hands - pain and shame.
Thrown … Thrown …
- Let's digress from the situation for a moment. Let's hear How a person talks about an event.
- thrown - the verb is used in the passive voice. The speaker is not the person performing the action.
- the verb is in plural form. Consequently, the sentence "I was thrown …" is a vaguely personal sentence, where the reference to the characters is omitted. Who quit? You can substitute any word, even "aliens".
Of course, he (or she) gave up. Loved, the only one.
But note: the structure of the phrase gives information about this:
plural - painful breakup is not the first time. The person already has the experience of (traumatic) abandonment,
the use of the passive voice - the passive position, the ego state of the child. Reflects the inner state of helplessness and powerlessness
As a rule, this is not a slip of the tongue, not an accident. This is the key.
The signal that the work of a psychologist should be divided into two stages - stabilization is now. This is urgent. This is not to let go - there, into depressive oblivion, behind a gray veil … From where it is very difficult to get out. This is what my clients call "adrenaline in the heart".
But the second stage is a difficult, painful stage of work on the entire life scenario.
After all, "thrown …" It is not by chance that it is said - "thrown …" Who?
Long list … What a long list hides behind this - "thrown".
Mother. Father. Friends. Brothers. Those you once believed in. And so naively I thought that everything was already in the past … forgotten. It has passed. I got sick - something old.
Yes, that's the problem. An insidious thought has firmly settled in you:
This thought - conviction - appears even in a child, and at a fairly early age. Actually, this is one of the ways of adaptation and survival: it is easier for a child to accept the idea of his "badness" than the idea that they are being treated unfairly or that events do not depend on him at all.
For example, children often take the blame for the parents' divorce.
"I failed to reconcile them. If I was good, dad would not have left us …"
And then - the feeling - "thrown". And powerlessness. Powerlessness multiplied by love.
This feeling will be carried over into adulthood. As well as the firm belief that love can be earned, you can "become good" - and then … then everything will be fine.
The first experiment … the second … the third …
Thrown … thrown …. thrown ….
We start work right with this phrase here: "I was abandoned."
After about two weeks it sounds differently: "We broke up." Such a small step. Almost invisible. But what is behind it? Choice. Responsibility. Action
And - very often - the solution of situations that have hung for years:
- After the divorce, my husband lives in our apartment, I cook food for him, and he goes to his mistress three times a week …
- He says that he will return to his family, and I hope, but now he cannot return, because the other one really needs his help - even threatens to commit suicide..
- She left, she said, you need to think, check your feelings. Writes twice a week. Sometimes we meet … And as soon as I cool down - she's right there..
Why put up with all this? In order not to come into contact with the intolerable feeling: "I was thrown …" And they endure. They endure for years.
Leaving no hope that someday, finally, he or she will appreciate. They will understand. They will ask for forgiveness …
This is the first illusion to part with.
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