FAMILIES FORMING CHRONIC SHAME

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

All parents from time to time say or do something that causes shame in their children. However, some parents become honors in this area. Often, parents who say or do something can cause intense shame in the child themselves are deeply ashamed people. They pass on their own feelings of inferiority and shame to their children. People with chronic shame have received messages of inferiority in their families, telling them that they are bad, defective, unwanted, and unloved. People who carry an uncomfortable sense of shame have often been victims of physical and sexual abuse or neglect. Often these are people who were brought up in families who paid too much attention to the image and demanded perfection, or the family atmosphere was saturated with a shameful family secret. Ashamed people often fell victim to their families, who practiced tight control of the child through shame and threats of denial of love.

Shame has spread across generations. Deeply ashamed parents are more likely to pass this shame on to their children, infecting them with their own feelings of inner inferiority. Children see parental shame in forms of indecision, excuses, rejection, and various defenses. They notice that the parents cannot accept compliments or praise, that they are very concerned about their reputation. Children collect a lot of verbal and non-verbal evidence that their parents believe they are failures in life. Children of ashamed parents find it difficult to develop autonomy and corresponding self-esteem. If the child identifies with such a parent, he internalizes the parental shame. A child can acquire his own dignity only by rejecting parental shame; however, this act of disloyalty may be beyond his capabilities.

Many people with intense, chronic shame have fallen prey to a message of inferiority. Inadequacy messages are messages to a family member implying that the person is globally defective. Such messages can only be addressed to one family member - the "scapegoat". Also, such messages can refer to one category of individuals, to which a certain defect is attributed - to children, men, "the other side". To give an example, Maria (permission to publicize) has always heard from her mother and grandmother that she is the bearer of all the disgusting and shameful characteristics "genetically programmed" in all people belonging to her father's family.

Messages like "You are not good" are a global attack on the very center of individuality. They imply that a person has irreparable defects. Common messages of this type include the following: "You have always been … (unbalanced, stupid, cowardly, etc.)", "You will never change", "Since you were born, everything went wrong."

Under the constant bombardment of "You are not good" messages, the child learns that they have shameful characteristics that make them defective.

Messages like "You're not good enough." In this case, significant others tell the child that he has some value, but continues to fall short of the goals they set for him. Family members focus on the idealized child and demand perfection. They often compare the child to other, more successful siblings (“Your brother was an excellent student”). Family members let the child know that he is disappointing them. It doesn't matter how hard the child tries to be good enough. No matter what he does and how, he still disappoints others, and ultimately himself. In the future, a person repeats the "near-success" pattern in all areas of life, especially in those that are considered the most important in his family for achieving a sense of self-worth. Such a person constantly works hard and cannot relax. He cannot be happy or serene, since these states belong to those who "deserve" respect and approval. The shame of a not good enough person is muted, it is much less global and intense than that of a person who is suppressed by the messages "You are not good." The shame of a not good enough person is often mixed with envy of others.

“You are not ours” messages from significant others tell their child that he has some bad characteristics that separate him from others. The child is "not like" his siblings. The recipient of the “You are not ours” message often experiences a mixture of loneliness and shame. First in his family, and then in other groups, a person feels that he is not like others. Overwhelmed with shame, he is convinced that he cannot be "ours" and suffers from the pain of a separate life. Let me give an example, Yegor (permission for public performance received) from childhood heard from all family members that he is not "them", for various reasons - he is blonde, there is not a single fair-haired person in the family, he "thinks and dreams a lot", and all other members of his family are people of action. Yegor's grandfather often said that Yegor "wandered around the world and nailed to them." Mother loved to tell that Yegor, unlike his older sister, was always a cowardly and quiet child who was difficult to "stir up".

Messages like "You cannot be loved." The fear of abandonment is the central theme of shame. A person who is convinced that it is impossible to love him experiences deep shame. He believes that he is not worthy of attention, not worth someone else's time and other resources. A person who grew up feeling unable to induce love may later devote his life to caring for others. This method allows you to reduce the pain of your unloved. The only way that opens up the possibility of belonging to the human race is to give yourself to someone who is worthy of love.

A family's emphasis on image and respectability is another predictor of deep shame. The ashamed person from a shamed family has difficulty striking a balance between individuality and conformity. His family primarily focuses on conformism. The main question is: "What will people think?" Conformity is seen as a value in itself.

In some cases, the disclosure of almost any non-essential information that happened, is happening, or should happen in the family is considered as a threat to the image. Even the low grade of a first grader received should be kept silent in order to avoid shame.

Other families may have skeletons in the closet. All members are obliged to keep these secrets in the name of family image and well-being. Often such secrets include mental disorders of one of the family members, addictions, problems with the law, etc. A family with a shameful secret spends a lot of energy on controlling the secret, family members should be constantly on their guard. One of the defenses against shame is rage. Families with shameful secrets are often “violent” families, ready to destroy anyone who might be considered potentially dangerous. In some cases, the older generation does not allow the child to have a terrible family secret. This vague situation, tinged with shame, creates in the child a feeling of inexplicable shame and an unconscious knowledge of the need to be on guard.

Children also feel ashamed if their parents ignore them. Parents can demonstrate their disinterest in a variety of ways. They may often be absent, preferring other activities than parenting. The ashamed person cannot imagine that someone else can appreciate him enough to stay.

Physical and sexual abuse lead to shame for several reasons: the act of violence violates an emerging sense of self-worth as an autonomous individual in control of his body; the victim of violence may be treated as disgusting or despicable during and between acts of violence; especially in the case of sexual assault, the victim may feel dirty and humiliated; the victim can be convinced that she is just an object, in a sense, not a real person; if the victim of incest is treated “well”, later these children experience difficulties in determining their place in the world, since their role in the family is both unclear and inappropriate.

Fear is a natural extension of violence. A frightened person has problems with shame because their dignity is constantly threatened. Eventually, a battered or sexually abused child may become ashamed of not only being abused, but also not being able to protect themselves from the abuse. He is ashamed of his shame, his fear and his shame.