2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
In psychotherapy of cheating, I attach great importance to the theory of family systems by Murray Bowen. There are two important indicators - the level of anxiety and the degree of differentiation.
Cheating in a couple occurs when anxiety becomes unbearable, and the level of differentiation of people in the family is low.
By the degree of differentiation, Bowen understood the distinction between a person's emotions and intellect. At a low level of differentiation, the sensory and mental spheres merge. In this case, the person easily falls under the influence of affect and is not able to stop the emotional sphere, to make an informed decision.
Anxiety can mask almost any feeling. It can be fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, desire to control the life and behavior of another, delayed decision, inaction, inherited anxiety, anniversary syndrome, unlived trauma or loss.
Something that causes anxiety happens in a couple - an increase in the distance between partners or, conversely, intimacy that is difficult to sustain due to an unreliable style of emotional attachment.
The highly differentiated person will provide a place for self-reflection to understand the roots of their emotional reactivity.
And people with a low level of differentiation, with an increase in anxiety, the most appropriate way to cope with unpleasant experiences choose the way - to redirect the energy of this feeling to a third person.
The third can be - a lover, a mother, a child, alcohol, work, school failure, illness. Any dysfunction that redirects the flow of energy in a couple will take over the excess of the emotional process.
Cheating is a way to deal with difficult experiences in a couple and to analyze the flow of energy outward.
Cheating is often a cry for help to your partner. "You see how bad we are! You're losing me! Pay attention to me!" The main motivation for cheating is high anxiety, due to the following reasons:
1. Poor quality of the romantic component in a couple. When a girl is looking primarily for admiration, pleasure, playfulness, flirting, warmth.
2. Passive-aggressive reaction - when, with the outward appearance of a good relationship, there is a suppressed anger at a loved one and a desire to compensate for the damage caused. Resentment, anger.
3. Fear of loss of attractiveness and desire to test the effectiveness of your feminine charm. "Am I still good enough at this age?"
4. Regular sexual dissatisfaction, especially in combination with a strong sexual constitution. It can be a dull joint dance of relationships, unacceptable foreplay and sexual illiteracy of a partner, as well as a woman's own inability to get an orgasmic release. There is a desire to study the reactions of your body in another passionate tandem.
5. Engaging in sexual intercourse on a non-sexual side in order to obtain preferences: promotion, gifts.
Either the given relationship - and there is a connection with the transfer of the love function to the third. In this pair, the girl is not at the call of the heart, soul and body, but at the behest of the calculation, for example.
6. Life scenario. People often find themselves in the repetition of the life events of significant people of a kind - "change like a mother", for example.
7. Lack of fidelity in the category of value level. Was there a fidelity agreement? Did both agree to be faithful? Are alliance interactions approved?
8. Cheating as a way to avoid the depth of the relationship. As soon as the other becomes a special figure, there is a fear of loss and pain in parting. To minimize these situations, a decision is made to “be paired with one leg”, to devalue involvement in advance.
9. Search for the Pope - according to Bowen, if the separation did not occur vertically, it will be repeated horizontally. This means that if the girl was not nourished with paternal love, then she will go through partners in her life, an unconscious search for a father. When cheating, it is very easy to break off a relationship to enter into a new one. ⠀
10. Fear of realizing daring sexual fantasies in contact with a regular partner. This is an attempt to avoid shame, guilt, rejection. I want a new storm and hurricane passions, but it is impossible to tell your dear dear cat about it. The difference in the range of sexual acceptability does not allow for proper diversity in sex life.
For any of the reasons for betrayal, listed by me, displeasure in the dyad grows, frustration burns and, instead of turning to the object of your love and discussing the problem, the most primitive way to reduce the excess of anxiety finds a place - joining a third, creating a triangle, a button to drain the painful.
Does it strengthen two?
⠀ Sometimes cheating is a way to endure a marriage. So hard and painful, dull and boring, and at the same time familiar and familiar that there is a desire to split your needs. Some close houses with their usual wife, others - with their mistress. A way not to be truly in any relationship!
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