2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
“I do everything myself. I can, I do, I pull. I'm not asking anyone for anything."
The payment for total independence is fatigue, exhaustion, the inability to rely on someone other than yourself.
"I am all by myself." What for?
On the one hand, there is the inability and inability to ask for help. Yes, and it is.
But on the other hand, there is a deep sense of the need to justify my existence on this earth. "When I overcome fatigue and pain, step over myself, make more human strength, ignore my desires and needs, then I can … I can … live."
You can only live if you are a hero. To justify your life, you need to do a lot, at the limit of human capabilities, you need to be stronger, smarter, faster. And of course, herself. It doesn't count otherwise.
The roots of this belief are deep in childhood.
They can be based on low self-esteem. “You are like you - you are nobody. Become more than you are, and then you will earn the right to exist. The right to be reckoned with. " Paternal non-recognition. Mom's neglect. Constant need to "deserve" and "justify".
Or maybe this message was originally addressed to mom by her parents. And the daughter, seeing how her mother “pulls her strap”: she works late, cooks, cleans up, and then at night washes, “raises” the children in spite of everything or gives herself all the work without a trace - concludes that she is a woman's destiny. The daughter respects her mother and does not want to be "weaker" than her.
Tolya's grandmother's military fate and the "survivor syndrome" of that generation. The guilt that you survived and live now, when many have died, makes you pay for this happiness. Not to exhale, not to relax, not to rejoice once again - the survivors have no such right.
one way or another, but a woman develops an image of a heroic female destiny. in the modern version - an active woman-achiever, a selfless woman-rescuer, a staunch woman - a victim. often one in three forms
Higher, faster, stronger! Goal by Goal! Everything is under control - career, subordinates, family. Know everything and keep everyone in check. "I know better how it should be, and it's up to me to decide!"
Control every step, distribute responsibilities, draw up a development program for your man and persistently lead him along it (and then wonder how he went to another "coach").
Make yourself the head of the family. Become a parent to your parents and a mother to your brothers and sisters. Take the place of the "senior" of the whole family. Pay and provide, control and demand. Take all the power into your own hands.
Oh, this heady feeling of undivided power and strength! Well, finally, I can do anything!
And they all depend on me!
Make yourself important, irreplaceable, necessary. You can completely de-energize a person so that he cannot step without you. But being needed is not the equivalent of love.
“If I am needed, necessary, they cannot cope without me, they depend on me, then I am recognized… needed. Loved … . It is love and recognition that strong daughters are looking for.
To save everyone around - colleagues at work, not on their shift and working for three; their families, doing unnoticed for them what they can successfully do themselves; their relatives, deciding what will be best for them, and suffocating them with their care; best friend, arranging her fate; an alcoholic husband from his life …
Oh, this heady feeling of sacrifice, the power of a good fairy and the resentment of an unrecognized genius! And all this is there))
“To wash the floor at night when the whole family is asleep; pull bags from the store when a husband and an adult son are quietly watching TV at home; start gluing wallpaper, no one, without attracting … first. Demonstratively wash the dishes at 1 am or quietly pay off a husband's loan."
Sweet sense of sacrifice!
Rubbing her hands to show the bill How else?
Everything has a second side. Sacrifice requires reckoning. She suffocates with resentment from non-recognition of her merits. “They don't appreciate me, they don't respect me. They don't see how much I am doing for them. Not for them, but for them. It is not necessary to make disabled people out of people or to consider them as such. Cope without you.
“But if they can cope without me, then why am I needed at all? And does anyone need me?"
Do you need yourself? Or are you “zero, which only with someone becomes a worthy number, and in itself you are just zero without a stick? "(V. Moskalenko" Addiction: a family disease. ")
To relinquish the role of victim and rescuer, one must relinquish power. Rescue means that people are weak nearby, they can't cope without you, they don't have their own brains.
It is easy to become disabled next to the lifeguard. No wonder this is the original role of the wives of alcoholics and mothers of drug addicts.
By handing over responsibility to the person himself, you recognize him as your equal. Not stupid or weaker.
The psychology of the victim by "quiet glanders" is manifested in many ways. This is a certain stereotype of behavior that divides others into “rescuers” and “aggressors”. "Good and kind" and "bad and evil". The "good and kind" become "rescuers" and are guided by guilt. In this way, the victim satisfies his needs. Not being able to do otherwise, this is how she gets what she needs.
… Children's Hospital. Long queue of mothers and babies to the doctor. All are recorded for a while. 21st century after all. But babies do not obey coupons - someone is late, and the queue has shifted. 10 o'clock, and those who at 9:15 and 9:30 were only able to come up, and even the doctor went out for half an hour to the head. Mom, who has time for 10, publicly declares that now is her time, she has been standing here for a long time and those who go now will go in her time. She is extremely indignant. Shaking the child in her arms, the woman moves away from the office door and sits down with an offended look in the farthest corner from the corridor. This is the message to the world. He was heard and taken into account. But choosing between their own convenience and the convenience of another, the women who came with children chose their own.
For this young woman, this was, apparently, a habitual way of “appealing to the conscience” of those around her, in order to arouse their feelings of guilt. And then they will do what she needs. It didn't work out this time."
Apparently there is a lot to learn.
For example, be clear about your intentions and defend your interests. Take care of yourself, and not wait for someone else to do it. In the case of the clinic, it could be the phrase: “10 am is my time. I'm coming now. And that's all.
It is important to learn clear messages. Honest and direct communication of adults.
“Victims” of everyone around are divided into good and bad. The “good” ones usually “save” them, and the “bad” ones “offend” and “do all sorts of nasty things”. Getting out of the victim position means stopping dividing the world into good and bad, but learning to clearly say what you need.
and ask. ask for help. directly. not in a manipulative way, throwing out what is needed, but honestly. it is difficult, I understand. for this you need to remove the halo from your head and become just a person with your own need
Admit your weakness. And become just a man. Not a hero, not a saint, but just a person with his own desires, needs, limits of his capabilities, with his own convenience or non-convenience to do something.
What is worth doing?
Ask yourself questions more often:
Am I acting like a victim?
Am I not doing more of my strength, waiting for someone else to come and take care of me, “save” me?
Am I clearly saying what I need?
Am I able to ask?
Am I trying to disable my loved ones? Imperceptibly sharing for the children what they can do themselves. By devaluing their personal capabilities and preventing them from growing?
Am I not making my partner a weak invalid, unable to independently decide what he needs and take responsibility for his life?
Am I becoming a mom to my parents? Aren't I taking on a lot, getting used to the role of my grandmother and taking responsibility for the whole family? Is this my place?
learn to distribute forces and plan your time, share responsibility, somewhere to ask for help, and somewhere to outline your boundaries and pay for the decision not to retreat from them
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